For Today: July 16th

He will never have true friends who is afraid of making enemies.
William Hazlitt

People-pleasing has a twin called resentment.  Excessive compromise----always smiling and saying Yes when I want to say No---is bound to take a heavy toll in terms of self-esteem and, consequently, in my relationships.  Fear of going off the deep end, of blowing up, keeps me from letting people know how I really feel.

As a result of working the steps of this program, I am developing the emotional balance I need to express disagreement without hostility.  Progress in this area is slow.  It begins with feeling good about myself.

For Today:  I seek my own approval first, then the approval of others.

People-pleasing as a lifestyle breeds resentment.  Resentment, in turn, leads me to feel ENTITLED to overeat to soothe my wounded soul. 

"Resentment is like drinking poison yourself and then hoping it will kill your enemies."

-- Nelson Mandela

"Emotional balance" was a foreign thing to me before I found OA. All I knew were extremes; I was extremely angry, extremely happy, extremely sad, extremely WHATEVER. I had a hard time just sitting there and being still and quiet, appreciating the moment.  As a result of constantly being on an emotional roller-coaster, I felt the need to 'calm myself' down with excess food & drink.  I guess THAT is where I found my 'emotional balance'......which is a big fat lie.

There is no balance in excess.  Too much is never enough & so, my binges would get bigger & wilder every time. I needed more & more to 'fill me up' and to tamp down all of that emotion that I didn't know how to handle properly.

Working the Steps taught me to love myself by separating my behavior from who I am.  It's like we tell our kids: I love you, it's your behavior I don't like.  As a compulsive overeater, I was unable to separate myself from my behavior; they were one in the same.

It wasn't until I found abstinence that I began to actually like myself at all. Before then, I was my body & I was my behavior.

Through abstinence I was able to stop putting on a false front for others; I've learned to speak my mind in a mature & honest way, I've learned to identify my emotions & deal with them in a rational fashion rather than stuffing them down with excess food.

Recovery is a process & a journey, that's for sure, and one that I'm grateful to have embraced.  One day at a time, I will continue with my journey to sanity through abstinence.