Recovery Meditations: July 24th

IDENTITY

“Resolve to be thyself:
And know that he who finds himself loses his misery.”
Matthew Arnold


Life before recovery was a theatrical production in which I played all parts to all audiences. I gave a performance which aimed to satisfy everyone's requirements but my own. I proffered whatever I felt others wanted, giving no thought to my own needs. Some may say that's a worthy attitude, but it was influenced by a desire to be accepted -- not for who I am -- but for whom I thought everyone wanted me to be. I used my performance to control situations and to avoid any nasty surprises. I furnished more than I could afford, often lavishing what wasn't mine to give. Frequently I didn't feel that I had gained the acceptance I so fervently sought, and this yielded feelings of incompetence.

To be everything to all people took time and sapped considerable quantities of energy physically, spiritually and emotionally. Often I found I couldn't keep up with this self-inflicted regimen of people-pleasing. I began to resent the performance and gained no satisfaction from the results.

Through my recovery I realized that I had never been happy with the results of my role-playing. It had been a compulsion to seek the approval from others because I couldn't grant myself the authorization to be me. The only person I can be is me. The only person I have a right to be is me.

One day at a time ...
I give myself permission to be who I truly am: ME!

~ Sue G.

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Boy, does this reading hit home for me. I was taught to put on a face for others, and to play the role of people pleaser. To never show my true colors, and make believe at ALL times. I was never to show my warts, or admit to having skeletons in the closet. I was trained to smile while stabbing you in the back!  No one was to be trusted, everyone was evil, and so, a facade HAD to be maintained.

I lived like a performer in a show, nodding my head like a puppet and playing to an audience.  I needed to be accepted..........but not for ME, for someone I was PRETENDING to be!

I now live an authentic life. I am ME, the REAL me, take it or leave it. I give myself permission to BE me, without feeling guilt or shame. My goal is not to be accepted and liked by everyone...........just by ME and by God.

For today, I pray to seek approval from only myself and God. 

 Affirmation:
 I am willing to live
an authentic life.
I am willing to be
exposed as one who
seeks the wisdom
and love within me,
even if others do not
approve. I find the
perfection within.