The Language of Letting Go: February 3rd

Rejecting Shame

Shame can be a powerful force in our life. It is the trademark of dysfunctional families.

Authentic, legitimate guilt is the feeling or thought that what we did is not okay. It indicates that our behavior needs to be corrected or altered, or an amend needs to be made.

Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are isn't okay. Shame is a no-win situation. We can change our behaviors, but we can't change who we are. Shame can propel us deeper into self-defeating and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.

What are the things that can cause us to feel shame? We may feel ashamed when we have a problem or someone we love has a problem. We may feel ashamed for making mistakes or for succeeding. We may feel ashamed about certain feelings or thoughts. We may feel ashamed when we have fun, feel good, or are vulnerable enough to show ourselves to others. Some of us feel ashamed just for being.

Shame is a spell others put on us to control us, to keep us playing our part in dysfunctional systems. It is a spell many of us have learned to put on ourselves.

Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life. It's okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It's okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It's okay to be human and cherish our humanness.

Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.

Today, I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame's trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out by accepting myself and affirming that it's okay to be who I am.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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This may be the most important reading of all; one to absorb into our hearts and to learn from.

I was raised with a tremendous amount of shame and as a result, I learned to dislike who I AM. I lived for decades with shame, feeling 'less than' and unworthy to take my place in society as a human being! I had to be 'perfect' or I wasn't good enough. I could never make mistakes and when I did, it fostered the shame and the dislike of mySELF.

I drank, smoked and ate to numb myself from the shame of who I was. I felt shame for getting sick, for having problems, for letting my slip show, for being part of a family who fought like dogs and then pretended everything was perfect.  I felt shame for being adopted and thrown away by a mother I never knew. I felt shame for telling others I was adopted, and then getting put down for it. I felt shame for the adoption itself, because I was told to keep it a secret.  I felt shame for ALL of the things I was taught to keep secret.

We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. If all of life is to be a secret, then aren't we deathly sick ALL the time?

For today, I will accept myself for who I am. I will fall into the shame game trap, or believe for ONE moment that I have ANYTHING to feel shame FOR or ABOUT. 

For today, I am good enough AS IS!