Each Day a New Beginning: February 23rd

I want to dance always, to be good and not evil, and, when it is all over, not to have the feeling that I might have done better.
—Ruth St. Denis

Our wants in life may be simple, or they may be complex. They may yet be confused in our minds, but the clarity will come if we're patient. God has a way of giving us an "inner tug" when a certain direction beckons. Our responsibility is to follow that tug and trust it, fully. Too often we look back on our lives with regret. What is done, is done. We learned lessons from those mistakes. Every day is a new beginning. And we can close every day with no regrets when we have followed our consciences, that "inner tug" that beckons.

The opportunities will come today. Opportunities to be good or evil. Opportunities for making choices over which we will feel good or full of regret at the day's close. Many of our choices will bring us closer to the satisfaction, the contentment with life that we all search for as women, as human beings. We need not fear coming to life's close, wishing we had done more or better. Living each day in good conscience, waiting for the tug and following it, will ensure a life well lived.

My ego can block out the tug, if I let it. Or I can trust.

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

**************************************************

The Weight of Regret 9/6/12

After my kids moved out recently, I went from a houseful of people, noise & chaos in general, to peace & quiet, with just 2 of us puttering around.  Even the bird has stopped chirping quite so much.  My husband is currently obsessing over the hummingbird feeder he installed on the deck, instead of my daughter’s 19 year old chronic drama. He can now focus on the exact ratio of sugar to water mixture for these creatures, instead of which girlfriend stabbed which other girlfriend in the back or stole a boyfriend while the other wasn’t looking.  I find myself with more time to read & do some writing, now that things have quieted down. Gone are the excuses about how I don’t have time to organize the closets or de-clutter the storage room.

My daughter changed direction, and went from University to Beauty College, preferring to do hair instead of pursuing academics.  I’m fine with that, even though I now have to pay a penalty AND taxes on the money I put aside for her TO go to college.  For some reason, the Feds don’t consider Beauty College ‘real’.  Which is odd, since I DO consider the $19,000 tuition VERY real indeed.  After less than 2 weeks, the girls dyed her hair a strange shade of electric blue, which everyone tells her is SO gorgeous.

My son is sitting for the MCAT exams today, to see which medical schools he will qualify to apply to. He sat for the exam last year, but wants to go for a better score, in hopes of getting into Medical School here in Colorado, which is not an easy feat.  The past few months he’s spent training to be an EMT & planning to work in the field until Medical School begins in August of 2013.

What happened to the past 27 years, I wonder? Those years of child-raising felt like an eternity while my son was screaming with colic, while my daughter toddled around the house, putting every foreign object  she could find directly into her mouth. I felt like there was no time for ME while I raised them, along with an ex husband who was more infantile than BOTH of my kids combined.  I lost myself in THEIR lives. And I overate & drank myself into a stupor in a futile attempt to ‘cope.’

Now I listen to my grown son talking about being a doctor & I stand back in awe, wondering how he’s managed to grow up before my very eyes , becoming an intellectual in the process.  I remember driving to the back door of Goodwill, asking for broken appliances that couldn’t be sold, to take home to the little boy who would otherwise be taking the doorknobs off of my doors.

I watch my daughter applying makeup & doing her friends’ hair, and I think to myself, WOW, this girl has SOME level of artistic talent inside of her petite little frame.  Not to mention a heart as large and generous as the great outdoors. She has a serious boyfriend and I’m waiting for the day they’ll announce their engagement.  And then the grandkids will come along, but hopefully not BEFORE the engagement announcement.   And I’ll be a grandma, which doesn’t seem possible, since I’m still 23 in my mind, although my gray hair & creaky body insist otherwise.

What happened to the past 27 years? They flew by mighty fast, while I occupied an awful lot of my time drinking & overeating. Practicing my addictions & wasting ALL that precious time I can’t get back.  Those days are gone for good, I’m afraid.

At least I’m finally 100% available to my loved ones these days.  I’m available to look at pictures being sent to me via text messages on my IPhone.  Pictures of mannequin heads in a full set of permanent curlers or cut into a ‘bob’ hairstyle that looks more like it’s wearing a skirt than ‘layered’.  In two weeks, she’ll be out on the floor, giving real haircuts to real people, while the butchered mannequin heads lay in waiting for their next task: facials & blackhead removals.  I wonder how mannequins managed to develop blackheads?

I spend every Sunday with my elderly parents who moved here to Colorado to be near us now, as they approach 90 & watch their lives winding down like the hands on the grandfather clock in the living room.  Not so long ago, I remember being afraid of my big strong father, larger-than-life, who could reduce me to tears with one stern word.  Now, HE has the ability to reduce ME to tears by witnessing his frailty, as I wonder when I’ll hear the news that cancer has spread to his vital organs.  His days are numbered now, and I wonder what regrets HE has about his own life? Not too many, I sincerely hope. I wonder how Mom will cope without her husband of 65 years by her side, to cook for, and to pick on, and to stroll the nearby golf course with, on days when they are both physically able.  But that’s not something for me to worry about NOW.

Life flies by in the blink of an eye, doesn’t it?

Today is my 3 year Anniversary & I remember the vows I spoke when I married my soulmate.....which seems like just yesterday:

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give you forever.

Enjoy TODAY my friends, and don’t worry about yesterday.  It has passed you by, rather quickly in fact, and it won’t be back again.  Don’t concern yourself with tomorrow; it isn’t here yet and there’s no use in living the hallucination of what ‘might’ be, trying to cope with something that isn’t even real.

Live for NOW; this very moment is all that is real.  Don’t stress out about your weight or your program because you are on the right path to get healthy now. It WILL happen, so what’s the use in wishing the day to arrive sooner than it should?

One day, you’ll wake up at 55 or 60 years old, and the sound of silence will seem deafening.  Don’t waste THESE precious years getting caught up in yo yo dieting & addictive behaviors. Get out there with YOUR kids, and read their essays, build Lego towers and climb the monkey bars with them. Commit yourself to taking your life back NOW, so you can find freedom & joy in every day of your life that remains.  Don’t allow ONE more moment of shame, fear & isolation because of your size to stand in the way of YOUR freedom.

Regret weighs a lot more than you think.