The Language of Letting Go: December 15th

Feelings

It's okay to have and feel our feelings - all of them.

Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we've lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived.

Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations. We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy, and love. We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too. Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.

But times have changed. It is okay now for us to acknowledge and accept our emotions. We don't need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings. Our emotional center is a valuable part of us. It's connected to our physical well being, our thinking, and our spirituality.

Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct. They enable us to give and receive love.

We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we're becoming healthy and whole.

Today, I will allow myself to recognize and accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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Compulsive overeating forced me to shut down ALL of my feelings & emotions.........the painful emotions as well as the joyous ones.  Shutting down prevents me from living a full life, as the addiction takes over.

I couldn't lose weight & keep it off until I became willing *and felt safe enough* to express my emotions & to feel the pain of them.  The 12 Steps helped me identify what was happening, and abstinence cleared the mind fog and allowed me to SEE things in the light of honesty.

Nowadays, I realize that my emotions will not kill me, but obesity & compulsive overeating WILL.

I am posting a blog here that I wrote a while ago, it was an epiphany of sorts:

My ID Said: FAT GIRL

After losing a lot of weight, I had my identity stolen.

In this particular case, however, I couldn’t call the police to report the theft, because I myself was the responsible party.

Isn’t that what happens, literally, when a person loses a large amount of weight, transforming from the Fat Girl into the Thin Girl?

I suffered an identity crisis of epic proportions is what really happened after losing 100 lbs.


I thought of myself as the Fat Girl, and my mind identified with that image…..for 40 years I was fat, it was who I was. I was a size 2X. I was 225 lbs. I was the out-of-control woman who was judged by others for her size, primarily. Whether others really DID judge me for my size, I don’t know, but that was MY perception of how it was.

And perception becomes one’s reality.

My Perception. My self-image, my Ego, dictated who I thought I WAS: The Fat Girl image superimposed itself over all of my other qualities, and took on a life of its own. I over-compensated for my weight by bending over backwards to please others, oftentimes at my own expense.

Because I was worthless, after all, wasn’t I? I had to make people LIKE me, somehow……didn’t I? They would scoff at me for my body size, so my personality would have to shine to make up for it. Or, I’d have to do something extra special for you, even if I didn’t like you……even if I didn’t feel like it, to prove my worth.

As The Fat Girl, I was a combination of every quality I THOUGHT I SHOULD be. I viewed myself as I was viewed by OTHERS. Ok, if YOU think I’m funny & charming, then I must BE! If you think I’m kind hearted for going out of my way for you, then I MUST BE! Phew! Thank you for helping me figure out who I Am.

What about all the OTHER things I was besides Fat? Those qualities fell by the wayside, because all I could see was my Body. I’d neglected my soul, my spirit, and my light…..squashing it down with excess food, not recognizing it at ALL.

When I transformed into a person who appeared to be different on the outside, I’d get overcome with a ‘feeling’ that I wasn’t able to pinpoint, or put a name to. What was it? I blogged about ‘the feeling’ a few times last April, seeking an answer from my fellow travelers. One gal who’d searched high & low for an answer to ‘the feeling’ but never found one, in spite of extensive therapy, described it as ‘trying to hold a beach ball under water’. Whatever ‘the feeling’ was, it wanted desperately to come UP, but every time it tried, I became frightened. Fear of the unknown….what on earth IS it?? I couldn’t identify ‘the feeling’, so it would scare me, leading me back down the road to regain. Every time I’ve lost weight, this ‘feeling’ came up, and every time it did, I’d head back to my old ways.

It’s taken me over a year after writing that blog to finally identify ‘the feeling.’ It’s been my Spirit trying, and trying and trying to come UP, to be acknowledged & accepted. The Real Me, in other words. I never knew her before, so how could I recognize her when she came knocking?

When I’d lose weight & lose my identity in the process, I was never able to figure out WHO I was…….how could I form a NEW identity? Before, it was easy to know who I was; even though I didn’t LIKE it, it was familiar. But now……….jeez……..now what?

It took me 1 full year to see myself as I truly WAS when I looked in the mirror. Why? Because my MIND had developed a certain identity FOR me: the Fat Girl. Even though I wasn’t fat anymore, I still SAW fat because that’s what my mind TOLD me to see.

I had changed, but my perception of myself did NOT. My ego…….the way my Mind viewed things, still saw me as The Fat Girl.

The human mind desperately wants to attach labels and find identities. My neighbor ties herself to her Corvette; that’s what establishes her image. Those who hoard attach THEMSELVES to their stuff………it establishes their identity. Who would I be without my Stuff? (((Shivers))))

When I had a gigantic house & drove a Range Rover, I was The Wife Of A Big Business Executive. Albeit a FAT one, but somehow, my ego could overlook the Fat part a tiny bit MORE. Strip me of my gigantic house & Range Rover, and all that’s left is a Fat Girl.

Strip me of my Fat Girl identity, and THEN WHAT??????????????

Once my ego (my Sense of Self) shattered into so many little pieces, all that remained was my Soul; unfamiliar to me in every way.

Who was I at the core? My energy? My light? My Being……my Essence? I had no idea, but I was about to find out. Unless I wanted to go back to the old identity of The Fat Girl.

But staying true to my food plan forced me to see things clearly; the illusions no longer prevailed.

My Spirit wanted to come up & STAY up. Without a lot of ‘stuff’ to anchor me down, without a Fat Suit to protect me from life, with no fancy house or large bank account to define Me, all I had left was my Spirit.

I’d try to tamp It DOWN, like I would a beach ball in the ocean, but UP it would pop. It would be held down no longer.

It was sink or swim time for me, and I chose to swim.

Many times in the past, I’d choose to sink, because I didn’t know WHAT was happening.

Now I do. I am not My Stuff. I am not My Body. I am not even My Thoughts and I’m certainly not defined by who Others THINK I am! I am My Soul, the life force that sustains me, even when my body ultimately breaks down with age & eventual illness.

My Spirit is Who I Am.

And it’s been an awfully long journey trying to find It.

We come to a place like OA, wanting to lose some weight, to change our appearance from what we consider ‘ugly’ into something we consider ‘beautiful.’ We tend to think it’s all about food. The consumption of excess food is the SYMPTOM of the underlying condition that brought many of us TO obesity: not acknowledging or understanding the Essence of who we ARE. Our Spirit is buried, way down deep, under mountains of food and layers of protective armor, but it’s still alive & well, thriving in SPITE of our ‘failures’ and our ‘shortcomings’.

In reality, this journey hasn’t been about my Body at ALL. It’s been about my Soul.