Recovery Meditations: February 23rd

HUMILITY

To the humble man, and to the humble man alone,
the sun is really a sun;
to the humble man, and to the humble man alone,
the sea is really a sea.
G.K. Chesterton


Before I started recovery, lack of clarity was all around me and within me. There was too much fear. I was unable to acknowledge: This is who I am, and this is what's going on, no more, and no less. I was afraid to name my husband's abusive behaviour. I was afraid to name my complicity in it. I was afraid to name who I was and what I wanted and needed, and I was afraid to name the behaviour of those around me who wanted me to fit into their mold. My husband was scared silly that one day the world would find out that we weren't the perfect family.

So I was not humble. I kept nurturing the fog that covered what was really going on. And boy, was I good at it. I kind of had an inkling that something wasn't right, so, semi-consciously, I made sure that my denial was watertight. I knew that if we pretended that we were a 100% perfect family, there might be suspicions. So I made sure I'd slip in a little problem here and there.

At one point, luckily, I allowed the bubble to burst. I started naming things, loud and clear. I named them to the police, I named them to my friends and family, I named them in my poetry. I started playing with another 12-step program.

But it took me another twelve years to name that I was an overeater. In those years I gained another 70 pounds (with some yoyo dieting thrown in, of course). Humbly admitting that, yes, really, I was an overeater, was the best thing I've done since ridding my family of my abusive spouse. I humbly admitted that I had been abusing myself with my eating behaviours. Now I can see clearly. (I can also see more clearly how wounded my ex spouse is, making it easier for me to work on forgiving him).

One day at a time ... I accept the gift of humility. I am not afraid anymore to look reality in the eye - and what I see is as right as the sun and the sea.

~ I.M.

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Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.  I had to live in denial if the myth that my life was perfect was to be perpetuated.  I had a bad marriage but I was too fearful to end it.........so I used food & booze to anesthetize me from my misery.  I knew my ex-husband was mentally unstable, and getting progressively worse, but I felt paralyzed to take action.  Where would I go? What would I do? As a stay-at-home mom for 20+ years, my prospects for making a good salary were quite limited.

When the pain of what I was doing to myself outweighed the fear, that's when I finally took action & ended the marriage.  It took me another 6 years of independent living before I was able to humble myself to God and get sober & abstinent with food.

Looking reality in the eye is a scary thing.........but freedom lies within that reality! The truth is difficult to face.......but the pain of addiction is far more difficult to live with.  That's when change can be embraced.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Until then, I yo yo dieted and relied on excess food & booze as my crutch.  I thought I needed those substances as much as I needed my legs to stand on. 

I was wrong about that, of course.  All I need in my life is my program of recovery, God, and my loved ones to support me.  And enough humility to realize that I cannot control the world any longer if I want to maintain sobriety.

For today, I pray to recognize the difference between my wants & my needs.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.