For Today: May 21st

Defeat is a school in which truth always grows strong.

Henry Ward Beecher

Never in all the years of fighting it did I think I would admit to being defeated by food. When the illusion that I could eat like other people was finally routed, many other truths began to emerge. That was the beginning of recovery. Each day I practice the program of recovery, more truth about myself is revealed to me. I welcome all of it, the worst as well as the best. Only when I know who I am can I make use of the directions that tell me how I can change.

For Today: Any person or incident that shows me a truth about myself is of benefit to me.

What a profound reading!

I wound up spending 40 years fighting my disease instead of recognizing & accepting it.  Fighting it kept it alive.  Accepting the disease for what it is freed me to deal with it truthfully & to kick the notions of ‘normalcy’ to the curb.

I am not a normal eater. I will never be a normal eater. What freedom there is in uttering those words!

When I fight & insist I can handle trigger food in moderation is when I keep the Denial alive. When I look at thin women eating & think that I too can eat like they do is when I struggle.  There is no cake on earth that I can eat a few bites of & push away because I’m ‘stuffed’. I can observe the behaviors of thin women & normal eaters for the rest of my life & still not be one!

"A cucumber can choose to become a pickle, but once he becomes a pickle, he can never go back to being a cucumber."

Somewhere along the line, I became a pickle. At some point in my career of   developing compulsive overeating habits, I crossed a line. Maybe it was one night while I was devouring the leftovers in the refrigerator even though I wasn’t hungry. Or perhaps it was after a trip to the grocery store for a stash of candy & cookies. Who knows when the transformation took place…I can’t pinpoint the exact moment or event that led me to pickle-hood. Compulsive overeating is a disease of progression. It doesn’t happen overnight…it develops over time. It may start out with a snack after school which then becomes a snack after dinner which progresses to a slice of cake for desert which turns into a whole cake. With a liter of Coke to wash it all down. Can’t have a dry throat after all…or maybe a Diet Coke….I can pretend I’m ‘watching my weight’ by making that Coke a diet…As one compulsive overeater described it, ‘First there was the Friday night eating-all-you-want plan, which quickly became the weekend plan, which quickly slopped over into Monday & Tuesday, which then swallowed up the entire week.’

For today, I am grateful to admit being defeated by food! Had I not made that admission, I’d still be fighting a deadly war with no ammunition.