For Today: May 13th

Hope is the only good thing that disillusion respects.

Marquis de Vauvenargues

Disillusionment comes when illusions are shattered and there is nothing better with which to replace them. The illusions I had a compulsive overeater were at the root of my illness. Chief among them was the belief that I could get through my days only with the aid of excess food.

Overeaters Anonymous freed me of that illusion and many others. Hope that I could recover gave me the will and the energy to examine ideas that drove me to use food as a painkiller. When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas---my old illusions----crumble into dust and blow away.

For Today: There is so much hope in OA that it fills and replenishes me if I only go and listen.

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When illusions & fantasies crumble into dust, it can be difficult not to feel frightened. What lies ahead? If everything I based my ideas on was an illusion, what is REAL?  Who am I? Who is the REAL me?

Change can indeed  be a frightening thing.  Who knows that more intimately than chronic dieters & compulsive overeaters?

That excess body weight is often used as a cushion, literally, to shield us from life. To keep us safe in our little butterfly cocoon where everything is warm & familiar.

Losing weight is like shedding that protective cocoon, a transition to a different state of being & sometimes, a different state of consciousness where we continue the journey of growth & self-awareness. The actual weight loss itself is just one small piece of a much larger picture.

To say that weight loss simply means that we can go from wearing a 2X to wearing a size 8 is like saying the only difference between a butterfly & a caterpillar is his ability to fly.  The caterpillar may be frightened to fly…..it’s a big change from his previous existence and so, it’s the Great Unknown.

So is weight loss the Great Unknown.

Our friends & family members may be worried, too. Who  are we going to become? Will that sweet little shrinking violet suddenly turn into the Venus Flytrap??

Fear of the unknown is real.  We know who we are when we’re overweight, as much as we may not like ourselves, so that is a known quantity.

Some  stop themselves from losing weight at a certain point, when the fear becomes overwhelming & the safety net of the excess weight sounds appealing once again.

Who I am is still something I’m in the process of figuring out, as a matter of fact. Being cocooned up for so long in so many layers of protective fat has prevented me from knowing myself.

This journey is complex in many ways, even more so than we realize.

Our relationships can change; our friendships can fall by the wayside & new ones can crop up; those we thought of as buddies can turn out to be a bit too toxic for our new lifestyles. That can be scary, and that can hurt; to say goodbye to someone who’s been a part of our lives for ages. But, if that person only wants a yes-man or an eating buddy, he may have to GO if we are to maintain our new goals in life.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming.

God helps me stay focused & working the Steps & prayer helps me keep the fear at bay. That’s not to say I never feel frightened….I do…..I just don’t allow it to overwhelm me or drive me back to overeating behaviors.

For today, I pray to use the tools of OA to keep my fear and my program intact.

For today, I realize that courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to work THROUGH the fear to come to a better place.