For Today: May 19th

How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.

Publilius Syrus

Why didn’t I?......How could I?.....What is it with me?...............

The tendency to hang onto self-condemnation persists with a will of its own. It goes beyond healthy self-criticism, branding judgments deep into the core of my being. Where did I get the notion that I am to be without flaws, make no mistakes? The program tells me that wrongdoings of the past, both real and imagined, need to be recalled, looked at and disposed of through the directions given in steps four through nine. Is it these all-but-forgotten thoughts and actions that keep me wallowing in guilt, which in turn keeps me from facing and resolving my real problems of today?

For Today: Forgiveness of myself is one of the first rewards of working the twelve-step program.

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The quest for perfection leads me to believe I am to be without flaws & to make no mistakes. Working the steps helps me to identify my real flaws & to make amends to those I have hurt in the past. Once I am purged of those mistakes, I am free to live a new, honest lifestyle.

I am not an accumulation of my mistakes; I am not perfect; I am not without character flaws even after working the steps on an ongoing basis. But I am good enough!

If I constantly criticize myself, I cannot grow, spiritually or emotionally. My behavior is directly tied into my feelings of self-esteem. When I work my OA program to the best of my ability, I do not feel the need for self-condemnation.

That, in and of itself, is one of the big miracles of OA: Freedom from self-judgment.

For today, I pray to keep working my program to the best of my ability so I can live in truth & freedom from obsession.