Food for Thought: June 29th

The Joy of Abstaining

For someone who has suffered the physical, emotional, and spiritual anguish of compulsive overeating, abstaining is not a restriction but a release. We are released from indigestion, lethargy, fat, and the torment of never-satisfied craving.

If we dwell on the negative aspects of abstaining, such as the foods we are not eating, we will be unhappy. If we continue to concentrate on food, rather than on life and the spirit, we will find it difficult to abstain. The OA program gives us a new set of priorities and opens the door to new life if we are willing to leave our preoccupation with food outside and walk in.

It is good to feel full of energy rather than full of food. It is satisfying to discover new ways to give. There is deep joy in day-by-day spiritual growth. All of these joys become ours through abstaining.

We give thanks for the joy of abstaining.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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For years, I used food & drink to escape life; to ignore my Spirit, to impose my will instead of relying on God's will for me. I had closed the door to everything of importance, concentrating on food rather than on life.

 

So for me, abstinence is a release......... freedom from compulsive thinking & obsessing in general. Once I agreed *surrendered* to an abstinent lifestyle, I was released from stomach issues, lethargy, fat, and most of all, the torment of never-satisfied craving. 

Compulsive overeating forces me to look at life from the sidelines.......through a narrow window, where little light penetrates.  It forces me to isolate & feel separate from the rest of humanity.  There is no 'joy' in addiction.........only compulsive wanting, with no satisfaction. 

After the Binge

 

A thin, middle-aged woman walks into Safeway; well dressed, well put together, appearing to be in total control of herself and her life.  Some may look at her and think she’s lucky.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Unbeknownst to all that come in contact with her, that woman is on a mission.  Despite her cool, calm & collected exterior, a raging addict is driving her every thought, filling her mind with chaos.  Screaming in her ear that the ONLY thing she NEEDS is a bunch of junk food to calm down.  That’s all. Just hurry up and eat as much as you can, as quickly as you can, and then, I promise, You Will Feel Good.

All reason is gone from her mind, replaced by an overwhelming need to stuff herself and shut DOWN. Forget. Numb. Escape. Turn OFF her brain NOW. Stop thinking, worrying, counting, calculating. 

Afterward, when the sanity & awareness return, she is exhausted and beaten down.  As she comes out of the sugar coma, she asks herself WHY? What drove her to do it? Why did she lack the self-discipline that carries her through the rest of her life with relative ease? Why? Why does this ONE issue keep reappearing? Why can’t she get THIS under control?

The self-hatred she feels is palpable.  Nauseous & physically sick, dying of thirst, head pounding……..feeling enormous physical repercussions from the act of consuming thousands of useless calories over a one or two hour period of time.

She sleeps fitfully, tossing & turning, waking several times during the night to acid reflux and the ever pounding head. And the guilt.  The anxiety…..bordering on panic…….that overtakes her when she remembers the horrid and shameful act.

Yet, every time she wakes up, she thinks to herself, What Else Can I Eat Since I’ve Already Blown It?

If she eats more, she shuts herself down again, not having to think or worry about Why.

When she wakes to face the new day ahead, she feels incapable.  She wants to stay in bed, pull the covers up over her head, and hide. Dwell in the shame & self-loathing that’s overtaken her mind. Why get dressed & attempt to look good? For what? She feels unworthy of looking good.

She has to get up, though.  She goes thru the closet trying to find the ‘fat clothes’…….the loose fitting garments that will disguise her bloated & uncomfortable belly.  Everything feels wrong. Like so much effort.  It would be so much easier to go back to bed & turn the TV set on, and veg out instead.

The day is sunny & bright outside, but inside, she feels dark & shrunken. Hopeless.  She’s managed to push all that light out of her mind, and replace it with fear instead.

She swallows a few antacids & a couple of pain relievers.  Runs a brush through her hair, which looks limp & lifeless this morning…….exactly the way she feels.  The tears well up in her eyes as the memories of yesterday come flooding back, taking over her mind, as usual.

She drags herself through the day, vowing that she will never binge again.  

Until the next time.

By the grace of God, I’ve managed to stop this vicious cycle of binging & self-hatred.  That’s not to say I’ll never do it again.  It is to say that, for today, my program is more important to me than the temporary pleasure of a binge. 

The consequences are just too costly, too risky, and too debilitating; emotionally, physically & spiritually.

For today, I will stay committed to my food plan.  I will not dwell in the past, nor will I focus on the future.  All I have to do is concern myself with NOW.

And for NOW, I can do anything, with God by my side & a firm food plan to keep my mind from wandering too far off course.  Limited choices = serenity & inner peace.

For today, I will embrace my light & be all that God intends me to be.