The Language of Letting Go: September 8th

Stopping Our Pain

Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn.
—Beyond Codependency

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain - temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings.

We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids - temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with our Higher Power's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward - into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation

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  " We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with."  As a child, I had no support or permission to deal with the pain & trauma of my adoption.  I wasn't allowed to discuss it, or to ask questions, or to feel any pain.  If I let on that I was upset, I was made to feel guilty & selfish for not appreciating the wonderful thing that my adoptive parents had done for me. I was forced to pretend 'as if' everything was perfect, and to never, ever, under any circumstances, feel otherwise.

As a result, I withdrew into myself and became quiet & isolated. I was THE only person on earth; connected to nobody, unworthy of love, and literally lost, with nobody to talk to and nobody who understood me.  At 5 years old is when my compulsive overeating was born, as a coping mechanism & a source of comfort for a troubled & sad little girl who'd had to pretend everything was perfect all the time, when that was far from true.

I learned to stuff my feelings BACK & keep them buried.  When they came UP, I was angry & resentful, which scared me something awful, because I didn't know HOW to process such feelings.  Since I had no outlet TO discuss my feelings, they stayed bottled up for a long time, and forced into the background with excess food. "Using" kept me functioning, and therefore, served a useful & important purpose in my life. I'm grateful FOR my compulsive overeating........it kept me sane in a household of insanity.  When my mother drove out of the garage, on one of her many tirades, threatening to drive the car off the bridge & kill herself, I could hide in her bedroom & eat myself into some level of comfort.  

Had I NOT had this coping mechanism, who knows what might have happened.  Yes, addiction normally DOES serve a useful purpose.  In some cases, it means Survival.

It no longer does, however.  As a grown woman with a family of my own, it is my responsibility to process my own emotions and to FEEL them.  I had to wait until I felt 'safe' before I could embrace recovery, however.  As long as I felt threatened, I had no other choice but to stay INSIDE of my own head & process my feelings 'safely.'  

I found recovery first in 1992, when I decided to stop drinking. I went to church & prayed.  Being raised Catholic and active in the church, I'd abandoned God for a long time after getting out of parochial school. I went back to my early training, though, and got on my knees & asked God to help me figure out how to get sober.  He sent me to my first AA meeting, shaking like a leaf, and wondering how on earth I'd managed to foul my life up THAT badly.

My first AA meeting was my wake-up call to the freedom & peace that recovery brings through abstinence. 

I stayed sober for 9 years, attending AA meetings frequently, and joining OA at the same time. I tackled both of my addictions at once,and I was successful for 9 years.

Then I decided to hire a private investigator to find my birth certificate so I could find out who I was, once and for all.

And that's when the chit hit the fan, so to speak.  I'd opened a Pandora's Box that could never be closed back up.  The truth of who I really was threw me into a nightmare, or so I had perceived it at the time.  What it was, in reality, was a huge lesson that I'd HAD to learn; a lesson that helped shape me into the person I was intended to BE all along.

I fell off the wagon, hard.  I stayed off the wagon for 7 years, eating & drinking once again, as a coping mechanism to deal with a huge amount of emotions I'd been unable to process.

But I had a background in Recovery; I knew the Steps and the program was there FOR me, I'd just been unable to embrace it once again.  In June of 2008, it was time.

I've been back in Recovery for a little over 4 years now, and I'm holding ON to it with all of my might, one day at a time.

I've managed to drop 100 lbs & stay 100% sober for 39 months now, with God's help, and the support of the fellowship.  I am allowed to process my feelings now. I have allowed MYSELF that luxury, and so has my family.  The times I DO struggle is when I have to deal with my mother & all of her histrionics and dysfunction.  She brings up those old memories again, where I was hiding in fear & licking salt if there was no other food available.

For today, I remember who I was & who I am NOW.  I pray to let go of all the resentments of the past, and to live in peace & freedom TODAY, and every day, one day at a time.