Recovery Meditations: May 4th

LIGHT

It's better to light a candle
then to curse the darkness.

Old Chinese Proverb


I have been living with this disease of compulsive eating for as long as I can remember. I remember stealing money out of my mother’s purse to buy sugar-filled soft drinks and candy, and sneaking food out of the cupboard and trying to make it look like nothing was missing. I hid food and ate in isolation, pretending on the outside that nothing was wrong. But I carried this terrible secret -- I lived to eat.

As my disease progressed, I acted out in other compulsive ways, and surrounded myself with people who cared nothing for my welfare. I kept running faster and faster, and eating more and more, as my disease sucked all of the energy from my spirit. I sank deeper into the darkness of despair and depression, cursing all those I blamed for my unhappiness.

Through the grace of my Higher Power, my life became so painful that I had to seek help outside of myself. I found this program, and a candle was lit. While my recovery has been rocky over the last 10 years, that candle of progress and hope continues to light my way. No matter how bad things get now, I know that I have my Higher Power and my program friends to lean on. The wonderful people I have met through the program have saved my life, and have shown me the path to peace and abstinence. While I don’t always choose to follow that path perfectly, I continue to recover, and to find everyday joys that make life worth living.

One day at a time . . .
I will keep the light of recovery burning.

Suzanne

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I remember eating compulsively as a young child; it was the only time I felt safe & secure. I'd steal salt from the cupboard because all the other food was measured & counted out.  As I got older, I'd hide food in my room and eat it secretly, after everyone had gone to sleep.  To this day, my COE tendencies come out at night. I can be fine all day long, but once nighttime hits, watch out..........I want to eat everything that isn't nailed down.

I see that my compulsive behavior covers a lot more than just excess food.  Allowing compulsions to infiltrate every aspect of my life is no way to live. Compulsive thinking, spending, and compulsive behaviors of all kinds keep me sick and constantly seeking MORE. More food, more stuff, more happiness, more more more. 

For today, I pray to be satisfied with who I am versus what I have.  Otherwise, all the stuff in the world, and all the food in the grocery store won't be enough to fill a void that exists within ME.

For today, I pray to surrender my life and my compulsions to God, who will remove them for me. 

I may be a compulsive person, but for today, I don't have to act like one.