Recovery Meditations: March 11th

INSANITY

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and
over again and expecting different results."
..... Albert Einstein (1879-1955)


Everyday I get up and fight the fight of 'I am not good enough.' Nevertheless, I know I am who I am and that's what counts. I may never be what others expect me to be and many times those expectations were so great that I used to beat myself up over my failures.

That is the insanity of the compulsion that I am being healed from. I now have a mirror in my bedroom! I now can go without cleaning my house compulsively for those who visit me and now I can stand up for myself. Why? Because I love ME!

Program has given me back who I am. The person I love. My welfare comes first! Above all I am grateful for my sponsor, my Higher Power and this program. I am also grateful to the many men and women who have inspired my life because if it were not for all of these, I would still be in that insanity.

One day at a time ... I will not require everyone's approval; I will not continually beat myself up when I expect more of myself than I can give; I will continue to love ME and all the good things about me.

~ Rosehips

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Not loving myself has been at the root of my compulsive overating.  The negative behaviors is what cause me to think I am entitled to find comfort in excess.  If I stuff myself enough, I may just be able to stuff down all that negativity and self-hatred.

It never works that way, of course.  No matter how much 'comfort food' I consume, it never helps me feel better about me; just worse.

Ignoring my own feelings in an effort to please someone else contributes to the problem. Saying Yes when I want to say No; thinking that others are better than me; putting on a false front so I appear good enough on the outside while fighting utter turmoil on the inside; that's at the core of the compulsive behaviors.

When I let go & let God, and work the steps to the best of my ability, I can finally accept myself for who and what I am.  I can finally let my slip show, by sharing myself honestly and openly with people. I can let go of the need to be perfect and just BE.

For today, I will not require everyone's approval; I will not continually beat myself up when I expect more of myself than I can give; I will continue to love ME and all the good things about me.