Recovery Meditations: February 22nd

~ CHILDLIKE ~

Anxiety is the rust of life,
destroying its brightness and weakening its power.
A childlike and abiding trust in Providence
is its best preventive and remedy.

Tyron Edwards


Like so many of us in OA, I grew up as a little adult. My parents didn't know better - treating me like an adult seemed a good way to them of both showing love to me and making their difficult post-war life easier. Providence was something that intervened once in a while, and in ways that were weighty and important. God was there - but God had to attend to serious matters.

There was little room in God's and my parents' life for the seemingly unimportant details of a child's world. I had no trouble internalizing that message. I learned very soon that no-one was going to take care of my "little" problems and anxieties, that I had to shove them out of the way, and that I could do that very well by daydreaming, by making sure I was the little adult my parents were so proud of - and by eating.

The trouble was that there were times when these coping mechanisms didn't work seamlessly and those anxieties would break through. Panic attacks were the result, and dogged attempts to do more of the insanity: more retreating from the world, more "adult" behaviour, more eating.

One of the things I'm learning in recovery is that paradoxically, in order to really grow up, I need to risk the vulnerability of being more childlike. I need to learn that my Higher Power is not too busy worrying about world peace to listen and deeply care about my little boo-boos. I need to, I WANT to develop an abiding trust that I am safe with and cared for by my Higher Power, like a baby in a mother's arms.

One day at a time ... I let go of the rust of anxiety so that like a child, I may marvel at and participate in the brightness and wonder of God's world.

~ Isabella ~

******************************************************

I grew up as an 'adult' also..........feeling the need to take care of the grown-ups instead of having them take care of me.  I turned to food for comfort, and sneak-eating to cover up my guilt & shame.  I was trained to believe that God was judgmental and didn't love me if I wasn't perfect at all times.  So, while I believed in Him, I didn't feel I could turn to Him for help because I wasn't a perfect person.  I felt that I was unlovable; in the eyes of God and in the eyes of the grown-ups.  Fantasy became my reality.  As a result, I fought a weight battle for 40 years.

OA opened my eyes, finally, to the truth of my distorted thinking.  To be 'as a child' nowadays is to recognize the dysfunction of my childhood and to let it go.............to embrace a youthfulness and joy NOW that I wasn't able to embrace back THEN.

I know that God is with me at all times, and loves me unconditionally, in spite of the fact that I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect.  In His eyes, I AM!

For today, I turn my life over to God for guidance.