Recovery Meditations: February 20th

Secrets
There were deep secrets hidden in my heart,
never said for fear others would scoff or sneer.
At last I can reveal my sufferings,
for the strength I once felt in silence has lost all its power.

Deidra Sarault

I've heard it said in program that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep. If that is the case, then I was very sick when desperation forced me through the doors of this wonderful fellowship.

Not one of my friends or family knew what I was doing around food, as most of it was done in secret, and I was always careful to remove all the evidence. I couldn't believe that anyone would love me if they knew what I was doing around food, and felt that I was either really bad or totally crazy, or both. But for the first time ever, I was able to come clean about what I was doing around food, and I wasn't judged or frowned upon. The love and acceptance I have received here has been totally overwhelming, but in addition I found out that others had done the same or similar things to what I had done, and so for the first time ever, I felt that I wasn't alone. Not only have I been able to talk freely about my food and what I had been doing, as well as what it was doing to me, but in the fourth and fifth step, I was finally able to share with another person my darkest deepest secrets, that for years I'd thought had made me this terrible person. It was in fact in sharing all the things that I'd thought of as so bad, that I came to realise that it was only my magnifying mind that had made them appear so, and that in fact they really weren't bad at all. I would never have found that out, had I not been in this program, and I'm so grateful for the relief that sharing all these things has given me.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will learn to get honest and share with my sponsor and others in this program, all the things that are bothering me, whether it be food or other issues, so I can be relieved of the pain that all my secrets are causing me.

~ Sharon

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What I try to remember is.......we are not bad people trying to get good.........we are sick people trying to get well.  A big part of compulsive overeating is secrecy.  I never ate excessively in front of others.......it was always done secretively, and the evidence was disposed of.


A long time ago, I decided to eat ALL of my food in public..........no more hiding food or eating alone.  If I want to stay in recovery, I have to come out of the closet, so to speak.  It's not always easy, and my first inclination when I'm going to be alone is to have a binge.  Go to the store, load up on junk food, fill a trash bag with the evidence, and dispose of it before I'm 'found out.' 

I'd like to say I've never done that since finding recovery nearly 4 years ago, but that would be a lie.  I have my moments of relapse, where I wind up hating myself afterward.  But I have a program to get back to, friends to share my story with, and a food & exercise plan to follow that keep me sane. 

Progress, not perfection, is my goal for today.