For Today: February 4th

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.

John F. Kennedy

Am I still afraid to pursue my hope of recovery?  I hear people saying, “If I can do it, so can you.”  Do they have something I don’t have?  No.  The twelve-step program is the same for me as it is for them.  It shows us how to live if we are willing to follow its instructions.

I may be afraid, but in OA the fear is loosening its grip.  I am ready to put aside my pride and fear to look at my defects and to seek God’s will for me.

For Today:  Fears are not facts.  I can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears.

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Destined to Stay Fat? 

It’s early February now, when New Years’ resolutions tend to fizzle out, when we tend to grow weary of yet another new diet, throw in the towel & resign ourselves to the fact that we’re ‘destined’ to stay fat.

The world is  full of people re-committing to lose the weight they’ve regained over the holidays.  Or those who have worked their butts off to lose a lot of weight but wound up finding it again.

Why do we do that? Why do we stay on track with a diet, lose a bunch of weight, then turn around & regain it? Over and over again, too, not just once?

What’s going to be different this time? Why are you re-committing to lose the weight again? What went wrong last time, that you swear to almighty God won’t go wrong this time?

When I joined this program in June of 2008, I asked myself that very question: What’s going to be different this time Chris? What went wrong all the other times?

What ‘went wrong’, I’ve decided, was one big gigantic lollapalooza: I was afraid to be beautiful.  It wasn’t my inadequacy that frightened me, it was my power.  My light, not my darkness, overwhelmed me & led me back to the safety net of obesity, where I could fade back into obscurity again.  I felt more comfortable there, and my sub-conscious mind urged me to go back………that little voice that compelled me to eat eat eat, even when I didn’t feel like eating.  You know the one? The one that makes no sense. The voice that insists you keep eating until you’re sick & bloated, and then sends you back for more?

My sub-conscious, fat mind led me back to the security of obesity; not my ‘insatiable appetite’, or my lack of ‘willpower’, or anything else for that matter.

My previous weight losses felt like my ’15 minutes of fame’.  I suddenly became a celebrity of sorts, by losing a lot of weight & transforming myself, and I had no idea what to do with that fame.  This new found acceptance from lots of people who ignored me when I weighed 225 lbs.  I was able to blend into the woodwork and be a ‘non-entity’ as a fat woman, but as a thin woman, well………I was admired & respected.  People were shocked and amazed…..awestruck, even.   WOW, look at YOU! Holy cow, you went from the ugly duckling to the beautiful swan!!!

How uncomfortable that can feel!  How downright frightening.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson

When I was in the midst of a divorce from my ex of 22 years, he made a statement that took me 9 years to fully comprehend.  It seemed like a simple statement at the time, but it turned out to be quite profound.   He said, in a disgusted tone of voice, “I suppose you’re going to lose weight now and keep it off.”  It wasn’t a question as much as a statement.   He’d witnessed me losing & regaining weight for our entire marriage, you see, so he was an expert on what  yo-yo dieting looks like.

Each time I’d lost weight during the marriage and became beautiful, I still had a bad marriage.  Nothing changed in that arena.  What did change was how I viewed myself.  I liked myself a whole lot more, I loved how I looked, and I got a boatload of attention from others as I shrunk.  What on earth was I to do with all this attention? Have an affair? Divorce my husband & get stuck with 2 kids, no job, no big house, no nothing? The fear would rise up, and so would the little voice telling me to eat eat eat eat, you know you ‘can’t’ keep this weight off anyway, yada yada yada.

Once the fear sets in, the sub-conscious mind takes over, and Thin Girl is pushed away as Fat Girl comes rushing back.  Fat Girl re-emerges and the fear subsides…..the danger is over.  Phew, that was a close one!

5 years after my divorce, I was finally ready to liberate myself from fear and allow the thin girl in me to come out and to stay.  My light no longer frightened  me.

And now, 9 years after the divorce, I finally understand my ex- husband’s statement.  I couldn’t keep that weight off during our marriage because I used it as a shield to protect myself from the world (and the attention of other men) & I used my body size to prevent me from feeling beautiful (and desirable to other men).  I used it to keep me anesthetized from the fact of an unhappy marriage that could never be fixed.  Oil & water will never blend harmoniously, no matter how much you shake the mixture up….…..it still separates. 

He knew that.  I guess I knew it too.  It just took me an awful lot of years to really see it, accept it, and deal with it accordingly.

If you don’t deal with the ‘whys’ of your body size, you may be destined to go back to the ‘comfort zone’ that Fat Girl provides for you.  If you’ve done it before, like I have, what’s going to prevent you from doing it again?  Your sub-conscious mind prefers you to stay fat, even though your conscious mind wants you to be thin. An awful lot of internal work must be done if we are to allow ourselves to stay thin.

Ask yourself a question: What’s keeping me fat? It’s never really about the food, it just appears that way.

Until we allow our own light to shine, we live with a shield of obesity which is nothing more than fear, all dressed up in a fat-suit.

Marianne Williamson’s book, A Course in Weight Loss, is really helping me make a lot of discoveries about myself & my journey.  Maintenance is a very tricky thing………and I sometimes find myself wanting to revert to old, Fat Girl behaviors but not understanding why. Marianne’s lessons are giving me some answers that have previously eluded me.  Check it out if you feel so inclined.

For today, I will push past my fear of being thin & I will stay abstinent. Because, my toughest day of abstinence is far, far better than my easiest day of compulsive overeating.