For Today: June 9th

We never do anything well till we cease to think about the manner of doing it.

William Hazlitt

Whether I want to improve my skill at tennis or jogging or the art of living, the experts all tell me the same thing: I must get out of my own way, stop thinking about how I’m doing.  The allegory of the centipede makes the point nicely: asked how it knew which of its hundred feet to use when, the creature found itself unable to move.

To perform any action self-consciously is to function under a handicap. Being natural, throwing myself into an activity without worrying about the outcome relieves me of distracting and counterproductive pressures. And isn’t that letting go and letting God?

For Today: I free myself to fulfill my potential by having my Higher Power take me off my hands.

Thinking back, I was raised to be self-conscious!  I was told to hold my stomach in at all times, I had to wear a girdle and a ‘minimizer’ bra as a teenager.  I was groomed to think in a self-conscious manner instead of conducting myself in a natural, as-I-am state of being!  I was trained to never let my slip show, and to put on a happy face in public, no matter what.  It was more important to put a happy face on things than to allow my feelings to be known.

I was trained to pretend.  To make-believe as if everything was great all the time. That outward appearance was all that mattered. 

When I got too fat at 12, I was sent off to Weight Watchers to fix that little problem.  But obviously, ‘that little problem’ wasn’t fixed but instead, grew larger as my compulsive overeating behavior was being established.

When I spoke my mind, I was told to stop doing that, that my personal life was nobody’s business.

There were secrets that had to be kept at all costs, because again, outward appearances had to be perfect.

I write this now, not in condemnation or to place blame on anyone, but to better understand how the compulsive overeater mentality was born.

I was trained to be distrustful of everyone; nobody on earth was worthy of trust & they were all jealous, envious, evil & out to get me.  The boogie-man was lurking at every turn, waiting to jump into an open bedroom window or, God-forbid, an unlocked door.

Danger was everywhere & people were all behind it, waiting to destroy my soul.

It’s no wonder I turned inward & toward food to comfort me, since life was so bad, so negative, and people were so ugly & hateful.

It’s taken me 50 years to change that way of thinking, to recognize it for what it is: sick & twisted; exactly opposite to the serene & joyous life God wants me to live!

Many years of convoluted thinking had to be reversed if I was to find recovery, and slowly but surely, I began to recognize that need through the Steps.

Living in fear & negativity breeds inner turmoil & a need to anesthetize reality, doesn’t it?

I had to change my concept of reality to find recovery & more importantly, to hold onto it. Oh, it’s easy enough to make temporary changes & delude myself into thinking they’re permanent, but, to make real & lasting changes, I had to change myself from the inside out.

I often say, to find & keep recovery, the only thing that has to change is everything. It becomes necessary to go back to the grass-roots of childhood to find where & how the toxic thinking started.

Unless I can find it, how can I change it? Unless I can figure out what caused it, I can’t fix it.

For today, I pray to keep an open, non-judgmental mind & manner of thinking. I pray to remember the only way out of something is through it, sober & sane, one day at a time.