Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Language of Letting Go: October 20th


Detaching with Love

Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.

When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play - an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.

Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.

The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful - getting centered and restoring our balance.

Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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In the case of dealing with my elderly parents, I find myself with the need to 'detach with love' continuously. My mother makes a gigantic federal case out of the simplest of decisions, turning a small matter into a 3-ring circus. I can't control HER, nor is it my job to force her to do the 'right' thing. In the end, it's HER body, HER life, and HER decisions entirely.  Unfortunately, I am the one who has to 'pick up the pieces' of those poor decisions, by schlepping her around to the various doctors for 'second opinions', etc.  Instead of jumping at each opportunity to drive her around, I allow her to take the apartment mini-bus to some of her appointments. I make myself available one day a week to drive her wherever she'd like to go, and the rest of the time (except for emergencies), she's on her own.

(From Recovery Meditations) I love the idea of helping people. Seeing the other person shine after my input gives me a great feeling. The flip side of this peak experience is the sadness and bleakness I feel when the person I am helping does not succeed. When it is all about me, I have to accept responsibility for everything: the good and the bad.

Thank You, God, that it is not really me who is the source of all help, it is You. I can point the way and make suggestions, but I cannot make someone change for the better. What causes people to change is something for which no person can take credit. It is simply divine!

The real question is whether or not the person I want to help will turn to his or her Higher Power and use the help that is offered. I cannot actually take these steps for others. I can pretend to do that, and perhaps offer some temporary relief, but lasting recovery will come only to those who make a quality decision to take the necessary steps on their own.

One day at a time...
I will realize the limitations of my help. I will not try to do for others what only they can and should do for themselves.

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