The Language of Letting Go: September 17th

New Relationship Behaviors

We talk much about new relationship behaviors in recovery: allowing others to be themselves without over reacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not setting ourselves up to be victims by focusing on the other person while neglecting ourselves. We talk about having and setting healthy boundaries, talking directly, and taking responsibility for what we want and need.

While these behaviors certainly help us deal with addicted people, these are not behaviors intended only for use in what we call "dysfunctional relationships."

These behaviors are our new relationship behaviors. They help us in stressful relationships. They can help us get through times of stress in healthy relationships.

The recovery behaviors we are learning are tools - healthy relationship skills - that help us improve the quality of all our relationships.

Recovery means self-care - learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves - with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become. And we'll never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.

Today, I will remember to apply my recovery behaviors in all my relationships - with friends and co-workers, as well as in any special love relationship. I will work hard at taking care of myself in the troublesome relationships, figuring out which skill might best apply. I will also consider ways that my healthy relationships might benefit from my new relationship skills.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

***********************************************************

I know some of you are not going to "get" what I am about to say but please hear me through before you judge my thoughts. I am done being accommodating. I spent 37 years being good, following the "rules" and being graciously accommodating to everyone around me. I'm over it! Graciously accommodating has not made me overweight as only I can do that to myself but it has given me the guilt and the mindset to put me last. This guilt has made me eat what was put on the plate in front of me. Be it at a restaurant, party or home. Heaven forbid I wouldn't want to hurt feelings by not tasting their treats or insult them by not having their food. It has had me put others before my health. I would take a call at a scheduled workout time just because the phone rang and again I didn't want to offend. I have accepted peoples passive aggressive insults as I lose weight and they don't . The last year I have watched how people treat me as I lose weight. The ones who like to fill my plate or fill my mind truly only have issues with themselves. Sometimes it's easier to live in a world where everyone is like you. I'm sorry but it's not my problem. I have risen above all of those issues and I truly hope that someday everybody does. This is something that doesn't have a magic wand though. It happens with time and a healthy awakening. Now that I have entered year 39 I am declaring a few changes permanent. If I go to a dinner I will eat what I like. No, thank you. Will be acceptable. I will no longer be guilted into eating something just to make someone feel good. If a plate comes to me at a restaurant and it's wrong - I'm going to nicely send it back. If I'm on a run and my phone rings unless you are my husband, child or father - I'm not answering it. 99% of most calls can wait one hour. If you call me back two times in a row - you might just have to wait two hours though - lol! Finally, if you truly are a friend you will be happy for me for the major changes I have made not only physically but mentally in my life. You will be proud of me as I always am of my friends. If you feel the need for passive aggressive comments.. You will quietly be directed to the door because nobody has time for THAT! There was a time when I thought putting myself first with those I love was outrageous. Now I know it is the only way! In doing this I have become a better wife, mother, daughter and friend. You can be your own worst enemy or best friend - you can choose for yourself - your happiness depends on it.