Fear
One day, I decided to try something new. I took my ten-year-old son out on the St. Croix River on a Waverunner. A Waverunner is a small boating vehicle resembling a motorcycle.
We donned life jackets and embarked on an experience that turned out to be both exhilarating and frightening; exhilarating when I let myself enjoy it; frightening when I thought too much about what I was doing and all the terrible things that could happen.
Midway though our ride, my worst fear came true. We took a spill. We were floundering in thirty feet of water. The Waverunner was bobbing on the waves in front of me, like a motorized turtle on it back.
"Don't panic," my son said calmly.
"What if we drown?" I objected.
"We can't," he said. "We have life jackets on. See! We're floating."
"The machine is upside down," I said. "How are we going to turn it over?"
"Just like the man said," my son answered. "The arrow points this way."
With an easy gesture, we turned the machine right side up. "What if we can't climb back on?" I asked.
"We can," my son replied. "That's what Waverunners were made for: climbing on in the water."
I relaxed and as we drove off, I wondered why I had become so frightened. I thought maybe it's because I don't trust my ability to solve problems. Maybe it's because once I almost drowned when I wasn't wearing a life jacket.
But you didn't drown then either; a small voice inside reassured me. You survived.
Don't panic.
Problems were made to be solved. Life was made to be lived. Although sometimes we may be in over our heads - yes, we may even go under for a few moments and gulp a few mouthfuls of water, we won't drown. We're wearing - and always have been wearing - a life jacket. That support jacket is called "God."
Today, I will remember to take care of myself. When I get in over my head, God is there supporting me - even when my fears try to make me forget.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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All the 'What If's' keep me focused on the future instead of the present. The future is nothing but a hallucination, because it isn't here yet. When I worry about what might happen down the road, I lose sight of what's happening NOW, and fail to appreciate the beauty & wonder of the moment.
When I predict the future, I imagine the negative outcome of various situations. I wind up trying to cope with events that do not exist. Living in a state of worry & fear leads me to the refrigerator to cope with the drama of fantasy that I have created! Why on earth would I want to create drama for myself? As an excuse to soothe myself with addictive behavior?
What if my daughter's plane crashes coming home from the west coast? Shall I plan what I'll wear to her funeral & how gut wrenchingly horrible I will feel? Or, shall I live in the NOW and enjoy each moment of my life, as is, without trying to change it in any way?
For today, I will not create hype & chaos by worrying about the future. I will not create drama & fear by dwelling on the past, either. I will not re-examine every mistake I've ever made, chewing on those mistakes like a bone, lamenting about 'what if.' Had I NOT lived my life precisely the way I DID, I wouldn't be here today, in recovery, living a happy, joyous and free lifestyle.
For today, I am celebrating what IS, grateful for it, and happy to be exactly where I am right now. I wear God as my life jacket, and never leave home without it. I need not worry, because He has MY back.
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