For Today: September 28th

You cannot create experience.  You must undergo it.

Albert Camus

I tried to fabricate my own experience, to make my life a never-never land of no pain.  Instead, I brought compulsion on myself, stifling all growth, blocking out joy along with pain, the good feelings along with the bad.

Today, though I naturally want to avoid painful experiences, I much prefer to own my feelings in all their intensity, to feel alive and struggling through whatever there is before me, to freedom.  I am willing to go through all that I escaped from, experience each moment as if it were the first, like a child learning about the world.

For Today:  I no longer evade experience or try to create it out of fantasy.  I willingly undergo what life puts before me.

****************************************************************

The fantasy world I had created for myself was an attempt to escape the pain of life that I thought I couldn't cope with.  A bad marriage kept my fantasies alive and well for a very long time.  I ate and drank to keep my head buried in the sand.  One day I woke up and realized I couldn't live that way for one more second, and that's when I finally felt ready to embrace change, and ditch my fantasy-world for reality.

There have been bumps in the road along the way; it hasn't all been easy or problem free. But the decision I made was THE best one I've EVER made.  I struck out on my own, literally and figuratively, and I've never regretted my decision.  I finally grew up and allowed myself to enter adulthood where I agreed to take care of myself, come what may.

What came along was freedom. 

For today, I pray to own my feelings in all their intensity rather than trying to avoid pain at all costs.  While my feelings may not all be sunshine and light, I now know those feelings will not kill me.  But compulsive overeating and drinking can and WILL.