Recovery Meditations: February 20th

Secrets

There were deep secrets hidden in my heart,
never said for fear others would scoff or sneer.
At last I can reveal my sufferings,
for the strength I once felt in silence has lost all its power.

Deidra Sarault


I've heard it said in program that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep. If that is the case, then I was very sick when desperation forced me through the doors of this wonderful fellowship.

Not one of my friends or family knew what I was doing around food, as most of it was done in secret, and I was always careful to remove all the evidence. I couldn't believe that anyone would love me if they knew what I was doing around food, and felt that I was either really bad or totally crazy, or both. But for the first time ever, I was able to come clean about what I was doing around food, and I wasn't judged or frowned upon. The love and acceptance I have received here has been totally overwhelming, but in addition I found out that others had done the same or similar things to what I had done, and so for the first time ever, I felt that I wasn't alone. Not only have I been able to talk freely about my food and what I had been doing, as well as what it was doing to me, but in the fourth and fifth step, I was finally able to share with another person my darkest deepest secrets, that for years I'd thought had made me this terrible person. It was in fact in sharing all the things that I'd thought of as so bad, that I came to realize that it was only my magnifying mind that had made them appear so, and that in fact they really weren't bad at all. I would never have found that out, had I not been in this program, and I'm so grateful for the relief that sharing all these things has given me.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will learn to get honest and share with my sponsor and others in this program, all the things that are bothering me, whether it be food or other issues, so I can be relieved of the pain that all my secrets are causing me.

~ Sharon

**********************************************
It is said in OA that we are not bad people trying to get good; we are sick people trying to get well.

When I was binge eating, I felt the need to do it secretly...........and then dispose of the evidence before I was caught in the act. The shame of it all was terrible. Shame tries to convince us we're bad people, which is not the case. Overeating doesn't make me 'bad'...........it makes me an addict. 

The people of OA accept me, and love me, as I am right now, warts and all, and let me know that I am not alone with my struggles. 

I have been abstinent for almost 5 years now. While I would like to say that I haven't had a single binge during that time, I can't.  I have not been perfect with my program, and I'm likely not to EVER be perfect with my program. That's ok.............because I am not searching for perfection, but for a better way of life and freedom from compulsive eating.  Involvement in the fellowship helps me find that freedom, one day at a time.

For today, I pray to put abstinence FIRST in my life and to keep it on the very top of my to-do list. All good things flow from there.  When my eating is chaotic, so is the rest of my life! For today, I will put abstinence first.