Recovery Meditations: April 4th

LIGHT

It's better to light a candle
then to curse the darkness.

Old Chinese Proverb


I have been living with this disease of compulsive eating for as long as I can remember. I remember stealing money out of my mother’s purse to buy sugar-filled soft drinks and candy, and sneaking food out of the cupboard and trying to make it look like nothing was missing. I hid food and ate in isolation, pretending on the outside that nothing was wrong. But I carried this terrible secret -- I lived to eat.

As my disease progressed, I acted out in other compulsive ways, and surrounded myself with people who cared nothing for my welfare. I kept running faster and faster, and eating more and more, as my disease sucked all of the energy from my spirit. I sank deeper into the darkness of despair and depression, cursing all those I blamed for my unhappiness.

Through the grace of my Higher Power, my life became so painful that I had to seek help outside of myself. I found this program, and a candle was lit. While my recovery has been rocky over the last 10 years, that candle of progress and hope continues to light my way. No matter how bad things get now, I know that I have my Higher Power and my program friends to lean on. The wonderful people I have met through the program have saved my life, and have shown me the path to peace and abstinence. While I don’t always choose to follow that path perfectly, I continue to recover, and to find everyday joys that make life worth living.

One day at a time . . .
I will keep the light of recovery burning.
 
Suzanne

************************************************************

I too remember living with this disease since I was a small child.  After hearing some traumatic news, I comforted myself with excess food.  I went thru elaborate measures to hide the food I'd sneak out of the kitchen, and I remember eating salt when I couldn't steal one of the cookies my mother had counted & hidden away.   I felt alone within myself........nobody to talk to, no sisters or brothers to confide in, nobody to understand me or to sympathize with my situation.  I couldn't talk to my parents, either, because they held a completely different view of the situation than I did.  Food became my best friend, my confidante, my everything.

To say my disease sucked all the energy from my spirit would be an understatement.  As I began my dieting career at 12, I experienced one failure after another.  I viewed myself as a failure and a throw-away, so the excess weight would only disappear briefly.  When faced with who I was, a worthless human being, the burden was too great & so, the excessive overeating would begin again in earnest, once the diet was finished.

I wore my fat as a shield, to protect me from the world.  A lonely & insecure child, seeking refuge & escape in a plate of food.  Later on in life, I sought that same refuge in a bottle. 

No matter how far and fast I ran, I still wound up facing my self.  


When I walked into my first 12-Step meeting was when I finally faced the truth.  I learned to love myself enough to stop abusing my body with excess.  I'd like to say the road hasn't been rocky, and that I've had no struggles or relapses since that first meeting in 1987, but that would be a lie.

I am a work in progress. I will never be perfect, but I will always be good enough.  I have God in my corner, who will strengthen and guide me when I feel weak and unable to go on.  My worst day in recovery has been better than my best day practicing my addictions.

One day at a time, I walk the path of recovery whether it's rutted with potholes or as smooth as silk.