For Today: October 9th

The moral deteriorations attendant on a false and shallow life are among the most pitiable wrongs that mortals suffer.

Nathaniel Hawthorne

At one time I needed to make a good impression, put up a façade that said everything was fine.  That’s all I had, a façade.  Today I have more, but sometimes I still play the game.  “If it looks good, it is good.”

Thank God, there is a part of my consciousness that is not impressed by appearances.  I may try to silence it with distractions but it forces me to look at the truth.  Once again, the tenth step brings incredible relief. It feels good to plan to correct myself, to make amends where possible.

For Today:  Making a list of my worst faults and the problems each of them creates in my life today helps me see what I can do to change.

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The disease of compulsive overeating affects my entire life; everything; my personality, my behavior, my distorted way of thinking.........the whole 9 yards.  I read this passage from Recovery Meditations today & I'm going to post it here on my blog.  This reading says it all:

BALANCE SHEET
“It is amazing what you can accomplish if
you do not care who gets the credit.”
Harry S. Truman

Before I came to OA, I kept an emotional account of all my positive actions. I didn't really do that many good things, but the few I did were meant to show how great and kind I was. I even “wrote down” smiles, talking politely, giving a hand in the house, or filling in at work. I expected a great reward one day for all of my good actions ~ especially considering all of the things I put up with. I wanted people to speak well of me. I wanted people to grieve in great sorrow at my funeral for losing the fantastic person I was. Because I felt I never got back half of what I had put into this balance sheet, my resentments started to block me from acting nicely. Why help out, when nobody ever does anything for me? I didn't have an honest focus on reality. I felt worn out, bitter, used and angry. Why was I never paid what I deserved?

I learned in OA that I have a terminal disease which will kill me sooner or later -- if I do not change my thinking and acting. I am powerless over this disease. The only thing I can do is to admit I’m powerless and surrender. As I see it, this disease is the primary reason I have gotten into trouble all my life. I am self-centered, bitter, immature and insecure. Before I entered these rooms, I didn't know how to have a real friend, or brush my teeth on a daily basis. In this program, I learned that I am worthy, loveable, and an ordinary woman -- with my positive and negative sides -- just like everyone else. When I am accountable today to God as I understand him, I do not need an emotional balance sheet. I do not need to grow bitter or hate other people.

One day at a time...
Because I have so generously been given a new life in this program, I choose to give service to my homegroup and to give time and patience to my sponsees. I choose to give of myself, for that does not have a price, in money or in diplomas. I no longer need the credit for what I give.

~ Trine

Pretty heavy stuff, eh? 

For today, I pray to treat my disease seriously, to STOP already with the facades, and to STOP the 'tit-for-tat' mentality I am using at work.  This disease WILL kill me if I'm not careful..........and if not physically, then spiritually.