For Today: October 22nd

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.

Henry Miller

Under the heavy anesthetic of compulsive overeating there was perfect security.  I felt no pain or confusion.  In fact, I didn’t feel a thing.  The price I paid for such peace was to chop off all my connections with reality, and with life itself.

In my fondest dreams, I did not imagine that such a life could be turned around; yet, that is exactly what happened when I found OA.  Today I have no need to cut myself off from anything.  Feelings are feelings—they have only as much power over me as I am willing to give them.

For Today:  I do not have to be afraid that my feelings will blow me away.  I can allow myself to feel them, talk about them, write about them----and watch them dissipate.  I do not need the fake security of compulsive overeating.

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Wow, this reading is quite powerful!!!   Indeed, compulsive overeating is a ‘heavy anesthetic’.  To feel nothing at ALL can be quite alluring………and comfortable, and secure, and pain-free.

But the other side of that security blanket is lined with prickly thorns that draw blood when touched.  To live in ‘fat serenity’ means I am unable to feel ANYTHING, except the pull of junk food………luring me in to have more more and MORE.  When the comfort turns to extraordinary pain, THEN it becomes time to change.

The illusion of security finally shatters, and what’s left is a shell of a person.  A person that has NO idea WHO she IS.  A person who’s been lost in a food fog of fantasy for SO long……..

That is a frightening prospect.

Without the cloak of excess food for protection, what will my life FEEL like?  HOW can I possibly cope with all the new emotions, with no food to bury my fears?

This journey is a process; one that starts with a baby step and proceeds to gain momentum……one step at a time, until life begins to feel normal; good; joyous and free.

The early days can be very difficult, to say the least.  Giving up an addiction tends to make one feel vulnerable; raw; naked.  Emotions rise to the surface and crying jags ensue.  I feel so OUT of control, HOW can I possibly DO this?

In 24 hour increments, with lots of prayer and lots of determination and lots of commitment.  There is no going back to what once was; no comfort exists there…….no real joy, no peace, no contentment.  When I pull the novocaine needle OUT of my arm, I have to FEEL the pain before I can begin to heal.

One day at a time, I will no longer anesthetize myself from LIFE by hiding inside of an ice cream tub or a bottle of wine.  For today, I choose to live my life to the fullest, as God intended me to, with peace & serenity………and the knowledge that there IS a better way.