For Today: October 11th

Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.

Fyodor Dostoyevski

I am with myself every minute of every day.  I have no respite from my frailties, no leave of absence from myself.  It’s hard to have to listen to that relentless inner voice forever pointing out my faults and mistakes.  So I fall back on the familiar patterns of self-deception.  In that never-never land, things are not what they really are; they are what I want them to be.

As I work this program of recovery, I find better ways of seeking relief.  I call time out to express my feelings, either verbally or in writing.  Funny, how much more bearable the truth becomes when I can look at it openly and honestly, without having to be defensive about it.

For Today:  To the extent that I take time to express my feelings, I can be comfortable with myself and learn something important at the same time.

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I am with myself every minute of every day..........boy, do I need a VACATION!  That mean inner voice is constantly harping on me about what I could be doing better..........what I should be doing better.........what I'm doing wrong..........and how I should be doing everything perfectly.  It's exhausting.  

Overeating shuts that voice UP for the duration of the binge; it almost feels like a vacation from myself.   But then, afterward, the voice is screaming bloody murder.  I think this is the danger of starting that cycle:  The binge may never END because once it does, the voice pipes up AGAIN.  In order to stay NUMB, the eating MUST continue.  That is the vicious cycle of compulsive overeating.

For today, I will stick to my food plan because doing so makes ME feel good about MYSELF.  It's not really about food at all.........it's about honesty, commitment and taking my medicine.  My medicine is my food plan and my disease is compulsive overeating.  In the end, life is a whole lot easier this way, even WITH the voice that never sleeps.