For Today: March 12th

For Today: March 12^th

What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?
George Eliot

I didn’t call it distrust, but what else kept me always on guard, saying only what others wanted to hear, often doing nothing for fear of displeasing? I walked on timid feet.

The door to trust opened when I took the first three steps: the minute I gave it to God, the compulsion was gone. Today I am open to the wisdom, integrity and strength of others, inside and outside OA. Because I trust the OA program, my whole attitude and outlook has changed.

When I am disappointed in a meeting and wonder, “Is this all there is?” I accept it as part of living. Far from making me lose faith in the program, my restlessness reminds me of what life was like before OA. I may not always find what I want there, but my trust that OA meetings are where I need to be is as unshakable as my trust in the principles of the program and my trust in God.

For Today: Trust is freedom from fear, which is one of the promises of the program. To become more trusting, I can devote part of this day to writing on my experiences in this area.

A large part of me used to exist to please others.  The other part of me used to exist to condemn others. I’d want to please them, but I’d wind up judging them after putting out a gargantuan effort TO please!  

What a cycle.

I was fat, and therefore, unworthy. I HAD to be the happy, good natured person so others could look PAST my body size & acknowledge my worthiness.

That was, I think, my primary reason for being a People Pleaser. Maybe, if YOU saw me as worthy, then perhaps I MYSELF could FEEL worthy.

I didn’t want to be judged by others, yet I was quick TO judge.

If I always went out of my way to make someone happy, how could they say anything bad about me?

The program taught me this:

Other people’s opinion of me is none of MY business.

I am not here to please others; that is not my purpose in life.

If I make such huge efforts to please others, I will feel resentment which is likely to lead me to want to stuff those emotions back with food.

Today, I live to please God and to please myself; to keep my program #1 in my life, to live with kindness, integrity & grace.

For today, I pray to recognize that people pleasing is a character defect; a phony façade that means nothing.

For today, I pray to live with Hope instead of Fear, with Trust instead of Expectation, with God by my side directing me every step of the way.