For Today: August 14th

Envy is one form of a vice, partly moral, partly intellectual, which consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations.
Bertrand Russell

Looking at another's program and achievements is another way I have of putting myself down.  "Why can't you do better?  What's the matter with you? I wish I were......."  The OA program is not a competitive sport, nor is my Higher Power a referee.   With envy as a defect, I do not have to look far to find that I am making unreasonable demands on myself.

I know that what relieves me of the compulsion to overeat can also relieve me of other defects, I need only to practice the steps----all of them--------and turn my life over to my Higher Power on a daily basis.  I don't need to be perfect at any of this; I just need to be myself.

For Today:  To free myself of envy, I can start by looking to see how it is hurting me.

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When I compare myself to another woman, she will undoubtedly come out ahead........because she will be 6' tall and weigh 110 lbs soaking wet.  Me.........I will always be 5'5" and I will never weigh 110 lbs.  Envy is a character defect that hurts me enormously & working the 12 Steps helps me to eliminate it.

What's the point in making comparisons anyway? I am ME and as such, I am unique. I must learn to appreciate myself as I am, and work towards becoming who I WANT to be, rather than focusing on somebody else!

I must also recognize my positive traits & appreciate them TODAY, right NOW.  Because let me tell you, I will NEVER be PERFECT and my quest to BE perfect ended 38 months ago when I decided to take my life back.

For today, I will be grateful for who I am and for what I have accomplished in my life.  I will not compare myself to anyone else and I will perform the tasks ahead of me, one by one, without complaining or bemoaning my 'lot in life'.  My 'lot in life' is AWESOME and I am thankful FOR it!

For Today: August 13th

To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of a total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.
Erich Fromm

Am I still using food to avoid my feelings?  Does the term, "fat serenity," describe where I am today?  If it does, I accept it without judgment.  In time, perhaps I will tire of that bland feeling-no-pain state of escape that robs me of my humanity.  Perhaps I will have the courage to acknowledge pain, to feel the feelings without reaching for an escape, and to have faith that my Higher Power is directing my life, not I.

I accept unconditionally wherever I am today, acknowledging the truth without reservation or recrimination.

For Today:  The OA program, the people and God are all there for me, loving me fat or thin, abstinent or compulsively overeating.  Can I do any less for myself?

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For most of my life, I used food to avoid feeling discomfort….negative feelings that were aroused in me primarily by other people. Excess food was my escape & my comfort….my drug of choice to numb myself from dealing with my own response to life. If I stuffed back my negative emotions, well then, I didn’t have to feel them. Unfortunately, I also prevented myself from feeling positive emotions as well. Numb is numb……nothing good or bad penetrates numb.

Stress, aggravation, frustration, negativity….were all factors leading me to eat compulsively.  My mother, in particular, has a way of pushing my buttons like nobody else on earth, and when she does, it drives me to the refrigerator.  Sugar numbs me out like nothing else, shuts down my negative response to the situation, and calms me down.  It also triggers my addiction & keeps it alive.

My food plan prevents me from overeating.  So, if & when stress & frustration come up, I don’t get thrown for a loop & head for the junk food.  My food plan is what overrides my instincts.  Although I may have the desire to binge, my food plan doesn’t allow me to do it.

If I stay committed to my food plan, I don’t eat for emotional reasons.  I am then able to use food for fuel purposes only…..to nourish my body & not my soul or my mind.

Staying abstinent for 38 months has had a trickle-down effect with other aspects of my life as well.  I function beautifully with a routine…whether it applies to food or to everyday life, the routine is what keeps me on track.  I don’t divert from my daily routines because if I did, I would get lost again in the labyrinth of Too Much Choice. 

I’ve developed a solid routine for everything from when I go to sleep to when I wake up, cleaning the house, running errands, doing wash……..every chore I face is subject to a schedule so I don’t feel overwhelmed by what I have to do. The routine I’ve developed keeps me sane and thin, with a positive outlook on life instead of a negative one.

  Nowadays, my food plan forces me to eat moderately, not my addictive, manipulative mind.

Structure prevents chaos, as Dr. Kessler says in his book, The End of Overeating.  If I don’t stick to a strict routine of eating small, healthy & high protein meals all day long, I will go back to the chaos of thinking I have the power to wing it & stay successful.

For me, the real power lies in accepting the truth rather than fighting against it tooth & nail.  When I gave up is when I stopped giving in.  Only then was I able to structure my entire life in a way where I’m not a slave to addiction.  I never realized I would find freedom by giving up my control-freak tendencies & admitting defeat!

For today, I will recognize the fact that my feelings won't kill me........but obesity & compulsive overeating WILL.  For today, I will interpret my emotions as facts instead of dramatic crises that must be avoided.

For Today: August 12th

A theorist without practice is a tree without fruit; and a devotee without learning is a house without an entrance.

Sa’di

If I talk a spiritual program and practice that program to the best of my ability, people ask me to share my experience.  They want what I have because what I have is obvious even to the newcomer.  If, on the other hand, I make suggestions I do not follow, my words are hollow sounds without conviction.

It is a waste to pretend to be something I am not, because I am missing out on the rewards of this program.  To start walking the way I talk, I need only the willingness to ask for help.

For Today:  It has been said that no one is too “dumb” to work the 12 Step program, but there are some who are too smart.  I pray to God to keep me from being too smart.

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Before I surrendered my powerlessness over food, I had 'outsmarted' myself right into obesity, misery & spiritual impoverishment.  I had all the answers.  I insisted on doing things 'my way' and there was no need to ask for help.  My 'fierce independence' and brilliant mind kept me stuck in a place where self-righteous pride was in charge.  

Only when I allowed God to be in charge was I able to set myself free from the burden of obesity and food obsession.

Today, I have no need to pretend; I work my program to the best of my ability and I speak the truth about it.  I am not perfect, I do not know everything, and I'm relieved to not be running the world all by myself.  To let go & let God is to relinquish control of something I truly have no control over.

It's too bad I didn't realize the power of surrender long ago. I could have avoided 40 years of failed diet attempts and all the pain that goes along with that.  To have spent all those years feeling shame & self-loathing is a sad thing. But then I see the blessing in it.......had I not felt the pain of compulsive overeating, I would never have found such a wonderful new way of life or such inner peace and serenity.

"There are no mistakes; no coincidences. Every event is given to us as blessings to learn from."  For today, I choose to look at my disease as a blessing. 

For Today: August 11th

True wisdom consists in not departing from nature and in molding our conduct according to her laws and model.

Seneca

There is a rhythm to life: growth comes from a winter of rest, spring rains, a summer of wildflowers and fireflies.  If everything in nature follows God’s plan, why do I think I have a better one for myself?  To live according to natural laws, I need abstinence and freedom from obsession---needs that are filled, not when I’m in charge of running my life, but when I turn my will over to God in the matter of food.

True wisdom, then, is to seek and follow God’s will for me in every aspect of my life---a path laid out in steps 2, 3, 6, 7 and 11 of the program of recovery.  Making progress along that path to the best of my ability is surely living as close to nature’s intention as possible.

For Today:  I open myself to God’s will by putting out of my mind something I want but don’t need and can’t get.

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Staying focused on my needs instead of my wants keeps me centered. Just because I may 'want' to overeat does not mean I 'have to' overeat.

I do not 'have to' put my every thought into action.  Thoughts are fleeting & I can push them out of my mind when they threaten to throw me off track.  My Food Plan stays in charge of what I eat, not ME.

I have tools to use if the preoccupation with food pops up & tries to force me off course.  I can blog, make a phone call, go to a meeting, work on a puzzle, do a crossword........the list goes on and on. 

When I open my heart & mind to God, I ask for direction from Him at every turn.  I am a work in progress & so, I do not demand perfection of myself in this area.  One day at a time, I am working my program to the best of my ability & for that I am grateful.

For Today: August 10th

A permanent state of transition is man’s most noble condition.

Juan Ramon Jimenez

Change is not compatible with stubborn pride.  Growth does not happen in a climate of arrogance and know-it-all superiority.  The changes that are taking place in those who practice this program involve the total personality---thoughts, emotions, the way I see myself and other people.  These transitions require a willingness to let go old ideas, to place my faith in a Power greater than myself.  When I gave up my will, the gift of abstinence became mind and my compulsion to overeat was arrested.  My other defects are being removed as I become willing to give up my right to decide and control my life.

For Today:  To change, I must understand that giving up ins not giving in, nor is it failing.  It is no longer needing to be right.

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Paper Towels (written 4/26/10)

A weight loss journey is a lot like unraveling a roll of paper towels. At first, the roll is large & bulky...you're hungry & miserable....it seems like you'll never get to the end of the roll....it'll take forever. As each towel is removed from the roll, it gets smaller & smaller. When you first start removing towels, you don't see a change...you don't notice a difference. As the roll keeps unraveling though, you notice it's getting smaller & smaller. Every day you stay the course, you can imagine you're removing another paper towel from that roll. One day, you wake up & you're at the end of the roll: the tube is all that's left.

With each towel removed from the roll, you're uncovering another layer of yourself that's been buried for quite a while. What will you find under each layer? Another facet of yourself...another exciting discovery lies beneath each layer that has effectively cushioned you from life. You realize you can walk further without getting winded. You can reach down & tie your shoes without needing an oxygen tank afterward. You can fit comfortably in the seat of a movie theater without needing the jaws of life to extract you from it.

As each paper towel comes off the roll, you're freeing yourself from a bit more of your burden. You're freeing yourself from the obsession of overeating & the pain that keeps you locked up in your self-imposed prison. While removing those layers may leave you feeling exposed, you realize it's far better to FEEL something than to be numb.

Under those layers you may find the child you once were who is ready, once again, to experience life in a carefree & joyous manner, much like you used to. Maybe you'll go swimming with your kids & let them dunk you underwater. Maybe you won't care that your hair gets messed up...because you'll be wearing a swimsuit & living life instead of watching it from the sidelines, covered up & hiding out on a chaise lounge, planning a rich & carb-filled dinner for later on. Maybe you'll glide down the water slide & hear your kids tell you what a FUN mom or dad you are! That will be music to your ears that no food on earth could possibly provide, no matter how delicious.

When your roll of paper towels is finished, you can look back at all those sheets of paper scattered around you on the floor. You can recognize that each sheet represents a piece of YOU that's no longer there, weighing you down both body & spirit.

You can then use those paper towels to wipe up the tears you've cried over the years. To wipe up the mess of discarded hopes & dreams which vanished when you found abstinence. You will finally be able to dispose of those paper towels in the big old trash can outside, where they belong.

Yep, this journey is a lot like a roll of paper towels. And YOU are a lot like that roll of paper towels. Strong & absorbent, ready to soak up a whole NEW set of hopes & dreams which come along with a slim & healthy body & new eating habits which keep you free, at last, from the burden of obesity. One day at a time.

For Today: August 9th

What a day may bring, a day may take away.

Thomas Fuller

“Hang onto the good feelings,” I tell myself.  Sadly, the effort to control dissipates the very state of being I want to retain.  The clarity, the joy of living does not come about on demand.  God feelings come as a result of getting out of myself and “going with the flow.”  As I live the OA program, I root out gloom producing defects and discover a new capacity for pleasure.

For Today:  This is a day to be aware of my Higher Power’s gifts;  to live with whatever comes my way.

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I read an article recently about the mindset of people who are substance abusers.  Those  who are addicted look for reasons to be miserable. They look to find fault & discontent wherever they go. This is too hard, this is too annoying, people bug me, if YOU didn’t do THAT, I wouldn’t have done THIS; the traffic is too heavy, the vacation isn’t long enough, the salary is too low, the water is too cold, the heat is too hot, the dress doesn’t fit perfectly….and on & on goes the litany of complaints.  If the addict can’t find something wrong, he will invent it. He will go out of his way to find fault & misery everywhere he goes.

 

 How else can he feel justified to partake in his drug of choice if he isn’t miserable?

Misery gives the addict license to practice whatever he feels like practicing. If I feel like crap & go shopping, I can justify spending too much money. Doing so ‘made me feel better.’ So did that pint of Haagen Daaz I sucked down without even tasting it.

If I choose to look at the bright side of life, what excuse will I have to overeat? If I look for the good in people instead of the bad, how can I overeat about the perceived injustice that rotten so-and-so DID to me? There will BE no perceived injustice when I change my attitude towards one of happiness & acceptance instead of aggravation & discord.

If I don’t feel particularly happy, I can fake it till I DO feel it.

If a person insists on viewing his glass as half empty all the time instead of half full, he stands a much slimmer chance of changing his life for the better or ditching his addictive behavior once & for all.

I grew up in a house where everything was looked at as a problem, a misfortune, a misery, an injustice or something to be afraid of. The boogey man was going to sneak in my window at night if I left it open.  A thief was going to rob & kill me if I walked down the street unescorted.  The Russians were going to invade the United States & life as we knew it was going to cease to exist. My friends weren’t real friends because they were jealous & envious & out to harm me. Nobody on earth had my best interest in mind, they were only out to get what they could from me. If I didn’t keep the doors dead bolted & a chair rammed up under the knob, I’d surely be robbed & raped & murdered.  And if the baby was left to cry in his crib for 30 minutes as the doctor recommended, the cat was going to jump into his crib & suck the breath right out of him. I was told to never, ever, under ANY circumstances trust another human being for ONE second.  And I needed to be oh-so-very-careful about airing the dirty family laundry! That laundry was OUR secret & nobody could or should ever, ever know about what went on in the privacy of our home. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! I was told how very ‘lucky’ I was to have such a loving home but yet, I had to keep some big  secret about what went on.  So how great WAS that ‘lucky’ life I led? Pretty confusing message for a kid methinks.

I wonder why I turned to food to cope with my life? If it was so horrible, so bad, so terrifying, so dangerous, so downright UNLIVEABLE, wasn’t it the natural thing to do to turn to an addictive behavior to cope with it???

In a world where nothing is ever good enough, why even bother trying to change things?

I’ve worked my ass off for the past 8 or so years to squash the dogma that’s filled my brain! It takes a LOT of hard work to undo all that garbage that’s cluttered my head up for so long!

I wound up marrying a man who thought exactly the same way as my folks did! If there was a patch of ice in the middle of the Sahara desert, HE was going to find it, slip on it and break every bone in his body! Because he was cursed; born under an unlucky star, blah blah blah & BLAH.

I was so bogged down in the misery for SO long, I’m not sure I even realized I was living that kind of life & responding to it accordingly! I became a people-pleaser…..I had to ‘fix’ everyone ELSE & prevent THEM from acting out THEIR misery! It became MY job to rule the world & make everyone smile & be happy. I wound up living for others but never for myself. What a vicious cycle!

I moved out of my parents home for good when I was 20. I moved out of my ex husband’s life when I was 46.  The day my ex moved out of the house was the day my life truly began, I think. Life on MY terms & not dictated by the misery of another!

As of that day, I decided to no longer tolerate misery in my life. I had to remove myself from the glass-is- half-empty philosophers who inundated my life.  I divorced my ex husband & I set boundaries down with the folks. I will speak to you on the phone every  Wednesday & Sunday. I will see you for 2 or 3 weeks every year & I will do my honest best to smile & be happy while you are here to make your stay most enjoyable.

 And that’s it.  

My lifelong quest to fix everyone else was finally over. The only person I CAN fix is myself.

I have finally reached a point where I can tell you my life IS good enough. I AM good enough.  The Food Plan I follow IS satisfying.  I’m no longer ‘trying’ to achieve a better quality of life, I am MAKING it happen by focusing on the Positive! I refuse to live in negativity & perpetuate the ‘poor me’ syndrome!

If I expect to live without the chains of addiction weighing me down, I have to change everything about my life. It’s not enough to say I’ll cut back on my food intake. That’s only one small part of a much, much larger picture that turned me into a person who abuses food & booze to cope.

I started my journey at 46 & I am still a work in progress at 54.  With God’s help, I will continue to BE a work in progress until the day I die.

For Today: August 8th

They that reverence too much old times are but a scorn to the new.
Francis Bacon

Do I look back in longing and think what fun it was to eat what I wanted when I wanted it?  Do I feel my life today is one of deprivation?  Dear God, remind me of what life was like before I came to OA---the obsession, the demoralization, the treadmill, the despair and sickness. I am as powerless over food now as I was the day I walked in.  Compulsive overeating and hope are not compatible.

My new life of abstinence, peace of mind and physical well being was made possible by a willingness to trust in a Power greater than myself.  All I have to do is keep on letting that Power do for me what I cannot do for myself. That is more precious to me than any remembered “high old time” with food.

For Today:  On my knees, I pray to be “as a child”—to go back now to steps one, two and three. There is nothing out there in the wilderness of compulsive overeating that I want.

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The longer I stay abstinent, the less I long for the 'good old days' of eating whatever I wanted, whenever  I wanted to.  Back in those days, I was spiritually impoverished.  I relied on myself instead of my Higher Power because I thought I knew what was best for me.  I control freaked my way up to 225 lbs of pure misery & self-loathing.

Eating small meals in moderate portions does not have me feeling deprived.  I don't long for the good old days because they weren't good.........my life today is just as it should be; in God's hands.  While my life isn't perfect, it's filled with serenity, peace of mind and just what I NEED to function.  When I put aside my WANTS and trust that God will provide me with what I need, I can stay focused and abstinent, one day at a time.

For today, I pray for the willingness to trust that God WILL do for me what I cannot do for myself, which is allow me to live free from the obsession with excess in all forms.