FREEDOM
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
Judy Garland
As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be like -- or act like -- someone else. I never allowed myself the freedom to be me. I was my parents' child, my husband's wife, and my children's mother. It wasn't until I came into program wearing all of my identities on my body -- 150 pounds’ worth -- that I was able to see how unhappy I really was.
I began my journey to recovery by slowly discovering the real me underneath all that extra weight. Working the Twelve Steps of recovery helped me to peel away the layers of fear that kept me stuck.
One Day at a Time . . .
I am free to be me ~
And I am enough.
~ Eileen
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My ID Said: FAT GIRL
Blog By Chris on Friday, March 22, 2013 at 9:51pm
In this particular case, however, I couldn’t call the police to report the theft, because I myself was the responsible party.
Isn’t that what happens, literally, when a person loses a large amount of weight, transforming from the Fat Girl into the Thin Girl?
I suffered an identity crisis of epic proportions is what really happened after losing 100 lbs.
I thought of myself as the Fat Girl, and my mind identified with that image…..for 40 years I was fat, it was who I was. I was a size 2X. I was 225 lbs. I was the out-of-control woman who was judged by others for her size, primarily. Whether others really DID judge me for my size, I don’t know, but that was MY perception of how it was.
And perception becomes one’s reality.
My Perception. My self-image, my Ego, dictated who I thought I WAS: The Fat Girl image superimposed itself over all of my other qualities, and took on a life of its own. I over-compensated for my weight by bending over backwards to please others, oftentimes at my own expense.
Because I was worthless, after all, wasn’t I? I had to make people LIKE me, somehow……didn’t I? They would scoff at me for my body size, so my personality would have to shine to make up for it. Or, I’d have to do something extra special for you, even if I didn’t like you……even if I didn’t feel like it, to prove my worth.
As The Fat Girl, I was a combination of every quality I THOUGHT I SHOULD be. I viewed myself as I was viewed by OTHERS. Ok, if YOU think I’m funny & charming, then I must BE! If you think I’m kind hearted for going out of my way for you, then I MUST BE! Phew! Thank you for helping me figure out who I Am.
What about all the OTHER things I was besides Fat? Those qualities fell by the wayside, because all I could see was my Body. I’d neglected my soul, my spirit, and my light…..squashing it down with excess food, not recognizing it at ALL.
When I transformed into a person who appeared to be different on the outside, I’d get overcome with a ‘feeling’ that I wasn’t able to pinpoint, or put a name to. What was it? I blogged about ‘the feeling’ a few times last April, seeking an answer from my fellow MFers. One gal who’d searched high & low for an answer to ‘the feeling’ but never found one, in spite of extensive therapy, described it as ‘trying to hold a beach ball under water’. Whatever ‘the feeling’ was, it wanted desperately to come UP, but every time it tried, I became frightened. Fear of the unknown….what on earth IS it?? I couldn’t identify ‘the feeling’, so it would scare me, leading me back down the road to regain. Every time I’ve lost weight, this ‘feeling’ came up, and every time it did, I’d head back to my old ways.
It’s taken me over a year after writing that blog to finally identify ‘the feeling.’ It’s been my Spirit trying, and trying and trying to come UP, to be acknowledged & accepted. The Real Me, in other words. I never knew her before, so how could I recognize her when she came knocking?
When I’d lose weight & lose my identity in the process, I was never able to figure out WHO I was…….how could I form a NEW identity? Before, it was easy to know who I was; even though I didn’t LIKE it, it was familiar. But now……….jeez……..now what?
It took me 1 full year to see myself as I truly WAS when I looked in the mirror. Why? Because my MIND had developed a certain identity FOR me: the Fat Girl. Even though I wasn’t fat anymore, I still SAW fat because that’s what my mind TOLD me to see.
I had changed, but my perception of myself did NOT. My ego…….the way my Mind viewed things, still saw me as The Fat Girl.
The human mind desperately wants to attach labels and find identities. My neighbor ties herself to her Corvette; that’s what establishes her image. Those who hoard attach THEMSELVES to their stuff………it establishes their identity. Who would I be without my Stuff? (((Shivers))))
When I had a gigantic house & drove a Range Rover, I was The Wife Of A Big Business Executive. Albeit a FAT one, but somehow, my ego could overlook the Fat part a tiny bit MORE. Strip me of my gigantic house & Range Rover, and all that’s left is a Fat Girl.
Strip me of my Fat Girl identity, and THEN WHAT??????????????
Once my ego (my Sense of Self) shattered into so many little pieces, all that remained was my Soul; unfamiliar to me in every way.
Who was I at the core? My energy? My light? My Being……my Essence? I had no idea, but I was about to find out. Unless I wanted to go back to the old identity of The Fat Girl.
But staying true to my food plan forced me to see things clearly; the illusions no longer prevailed.
My Spirit wanted to come up & STAY up. Without a lot of ‘stuff’ to anchor me down, without a Fat Suit to protect me from life, with no fancy house or large bank account to define Me, all I had left was my Spirit.
I’d try to tamp It DOWN, like I would a beach ball in the ocean, but UP it would pop.
It would be held down no longer.
It was sink or swim time for me, and I chose to swim.
Many times in the past, I’d choose to sink, because I didn’t know WHAT was happening.
Now I do. I am not My Stuff. I am not My Body. I am not even My Thoughts and I’m certainly not defined by who Others THINK I am! I am My Soul, the life force that sustains me, even when my body ultimately breaks down with age & eventual illness.
My Spirit is Who I Am.
And it’s been an awfully long journey trying to find It.
We come to a place like Medifast, wanting to lose some weight, to change our appearance from what we consider ‘ugly’ into something we consider ‘beautiful.’ We tend to think it’s all about food. The consumption of excess food is the SYMPTOM of the underlying condition that brought many of us TO obesity: not acknowledging or understanding the Essence of who we ARE. Our Spirit is buried, way down deep, under mountains of food and layers of protective armor, but it’s still alive & well, thriving in SPITE of our ‘failures’ and our ‘shortcomings’.
In reality, this journey hasn’t been about my Body at ALL. It’s been about my Soul.
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Each Day a New Beginning
It's odd that you can get so
anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don't quite
fully share the hell of someone close to you.
—Lady Bird Johnson
Preoccupation with self can be the bane of our existence. It prevents all but the narrowest perspective on any problem. It cuts off any guidance from our higher power that may be offered through a friend. It blocks whatever truths are trying to gain our attention. The paradox is that whatever our pain, it is lessened by turning our attention elsewhere, to another's pain or her joy.
When we open our minds to fresh input from others, insights emerge. We need the messages others are trying to give us. Nothing that is said in a loving spirit is empty of meaning for our lives.
We might consider that every conversation we have is a conversation with our Creator. What we need to know, for our own growth, is guaranteed to be revealed in our many conversations with others. But we can't hear another's thoughts until we let go of our own.
Full attention to the persons sent to me will offer me exactly what I need, today. My inner guide has beckoned them. I can be alert, expect solutions, and celebrate the wonder of it all.
—Lady Bird Johnson
Preoccupation with self can be the bane of our existence. It prevents all but the narrowest perspective on any problem. It cuts off any guidance from our higher power that may be offered through a friend. It blocks whatever truths are trying to gain our attention. The paradox is that whatever our pain, it is lessened by turning our attention elsewhere, to another's pain or her joy.
When we open our minds to fresh input from others, insights emerge. We need the messages others are trying to give us. Nothing that is said in a loving spirit is empty of meaning for our lives.
We might consider that every conversation we have is a conversation with our Creator. What we need to know, for our own growth, is guaranteed to be revealed in our many conversations with others. But we can't hear another's thoughts until we let go of our own.
Full attention to the persons sent to me will offer me exactly what I need, today. My inner guide has beckoned them. I can be alert, expect solutions, and celebrate the wonder of it all.
From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey
© 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.
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Food for Thought
Simplicity
Someone has said that God is simple; it is we who cause the complications. The more we are able to simplify our lives, the more effective we become.
A simple eating plan frees us from being preoccupied with food. We decide what we will have for our three measured meals, we may call the plan in to a sponsor, and then we can forget about food. We are free to concentrate on the jobs and activities of the day. In contrast, how muddled and messy our lives were when we were bingeing!
Turning our will and our life over to our Higher Power frees us from preoccupation with self. Rather than trying to figure out complicated methods of getting things to go our way, we are free to live each day as God gives it to us, trusting His will.
As we grow in this program, may we grow in simplicity.
Someone has said that God is simple; it is we who cause the complications. The more we are able to simplify our lives, the more effective we become.
A simple eating plan frees us from being preoccupied with food. We decide what we will have for our three measured meals, we may call the plan in to a sponsor, and then we can forget about food. We are free to concentrate on the jobs and activities of the day. In contrast, how muddled and messy our lives were when we were bingeing!
Turning our will and our life over to our Higher Power frees us from preoccupation with self. Rather than trying to figure out complicated methods of getting things to go our way, we are free to live each day as God gives it to us, trusting His will.
As we grow in this program, may we grow in simplicity.
From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L.
©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.
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The Language of Letting Go
Divinely Led
Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next step should be. In times of doubt and indecision please send your inspiration and guidance.
—Alcoholics Anonymous
The good news of surrendering ourselves and our life to a Power greater than ourselves is that we come into harmony with a Grand Plan, one greater than we can imagine.
We are promised Divine Guidance if we ask for it if we work the Twelve Steps. What greater gift could we receive than knowing our thoughts, words, and actions are being directed?
We aren't a mistake. And we don't have to control or repress others or ourselves for life to work out. Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, and those things we call errors can evolve into harmony.
We will be guided into understanding what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, and our thoughts. We will know when to go, to stop, and to wait. We will learn a great truth: the plan will happen in spite of us not because of us.
I pray today and each day that my thoughts, words, and actions may be Divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence, knowing my steps are guided.
Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next step should be. In times of doubt and indecision please send your inspiration and guidance.
—Alcoholics Anonymous
The good news of surrendering ourselves and our life to a Power greater than ourselves is that we come into harmony with a Grand Plan, one greater than we can imagine.
We are promised Divine Guidance if we ask for it if we work the Twelve Steps. What greater gift could we receive than knowing our thoughts, words, and actions are being directed?
We aren't a mistake. And we don't have to control or repress others or ourselves for life to work out. Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, and those things we call errors can evolve into harmony.
We will be guided into understanding what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, and our thoughts. We will know when to go, to stop, and to wait. We will learn a great truth: the plan will happen in spite of us not because of us.
I pray today and each day that my thoughts, words, and actions may be Divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence, knowing my steps are guided.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.
--Calvin Coolidge
There's really only one way to achieve self-respect and that is to act respectably. We can't go back and undo our past. But we can act and behave respectably today, so that when we close our eyes tonight to go to sleep, we can say we have self-respect. A day at a time or an hour at a time, it's our actions now that count. If we put our self-respect on hold, saying something like "I'll have self-respect when I graduate," or "I'll have self-respect when I get a good job," we are putting off what we should do today. But when we live in the present, knowing it's all we have, we can give our best effort to life today.
Today let me treat myself and all those I encounter with respect.
You are reading from the book:
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