Off The Hook
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
***************************************************
" If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it." AMEN!
I have been involved in a co-dependent relationship with my folks for the past 5 decades, without knowing there was a name for the behaviors. The 'hinting & sighing' technique has reeled me in for years................I pick up on the cue and then run to 'fix' whatever my mom is hinting at!!! I've tried, unsuccessfully, to 'fix' the endless issues, at my OWN EXPENSE. I'd wind up eating/drinking/smoking to cope.
Now it's my turn to 'sigh'.
UGH. I am no longer willing to get reeled into the mess. I am no longer willing to listen to the endless complaining & negativity, or respond to the chronic hints, looks & words that hook me. I have some techniques I use nowadays, to avoid the traps that are set for me (whether they are unconscious or not). I will say, "That's unfortunate" to the endless litany of complaints. That prevents ME from internalizing the negativity and punishing MYSELF for it!!! It's kind of like a shield I put up in front of me, to deflect the negative words. Gee Mom, that's unfortunate. Moving right along.................
If someone wants something from me, they must ASK me for it directly. I no longer respond or react to hints or suggestions............just direct requests. Beating around the bush yields NO results with me anymore. I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty, and I must treat others with respect and honesty as well.
For today, I will not throw out a hook to others............. I will ask for what I need or want, with direct, precise language.
For today, I will not be snagged into caretaking by backhanded techniques which leave ME feeling victimized and angry.
For today, I will not be manipulated into feeling 'guilt'.
For today, I will act like an adult.
Wow, just stumbling upon your blog and this post really hit me! I want to make sure I'm not leaving hooks out. I have a hard time asking for what I need, and I can see that I may drop hints instead of being direct. Sometimes it's hard to be direct, it exposes our most vulnerable needs. But it's the honest way to be. Thanks!!!
ReplyDelete~Margene