Separating from Family Issues
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members, l am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
©1990, Hazelden Foundation.We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members, l am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
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Wow! What a powerful reading this is; filled with truth and honesty.
Just because I am a member of a family does not mean that I MUST take on THEIR problems and make them my own! I am a separate individual, entitled to my own thoughts & feelings, and entitled to practice my own program of recovery, REGARDLESS of what they are doing!
Misery loves company. Friends and family often try (or ONCE tried.......) to drag me back into THEIR world of addictive/dysfunctional behaviors. It is up to ME whether I go back, or whether I stand MY ground & adhere to my OWN belief systems. Back in the old days, I'd use the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality.............but at some point, it no longer works. At some point, when I reached rock bottom, I HAD to change MY behaviors in order to live a full life.
Yes, my family is still my family, warts and all. But I am a different person now, no longer 'going with the flow' of what THEY think MY life should look like! Nowadays, I set healthy boundaries with the toxic family members, dealing with them on MY terms and on MY schedule. My phone has voice mail, which means I speak to them when I have the head to do so, not when THEY deem it's time!
I no longer feel guilty for taking care of MYSELF; that is my God-given right, and a necessary instrument to Recovery. I am worth it, and I am not afraid to say that out loud!
For today, I am allowed to be Me.
For today, I don't have to buy into YOUR version of 'normal.'
For today, I will not devote MY life to YOU and call it 'caring.'
For today, I will not internalize YOUR problems and make them MINE.
For today, I will not practice co-dependent behaviors.
For today, I am Free to Be.
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