Recovery Meditations: January 9th

~ SEEING CLEARLY ~

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee,
you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

Norm Crosby


For so many years I had trouble seeing the obvious. I felt blind when dealing with emotions. I didn't know how to express anger properly. I was either furious (and eating) over little things, or emotionally void (and eating) over big things. I was told my feelings were hurt too easily, so I began to stifle my rightfully hurt feelings, using food to stuff the pain. But the worst was happiness. I was hysterically happy over the stupidest little things, and felt immensely unworthy of kindnesses done for me. Neither felt comfortable, so I always ended up eating.

It all began to come clear in the program. For once I could see my actions and my reactions and begin to understand myself and my motives. As I have worked this program, I no longer feel like my emotions swing on a pendulum from one extreme to the other. I can see things as they really are. I no longer make big mountains out of small hills or make small hills out of big mountains. I can now feel happiness, and express it, in complete comfort with myself. The nicest part is that while I may not be well-acquainted with my new behavior yet, it feels very comfortable, and I no longer have to practice my eating disorders to cover up my feelings.

One day at a time...
My eyes are opened by the program to the truth of what is and the feelings that are.

~ Rhonda H. ~

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When I'm all about reaction & drama, that's when I can't cope with life and eat to shut down the pain of it all.

Feeling  uncomfortable in my own skin........that led me to overeat.  In fact, everything in life that happened........good OR bad........led me to overeat.  I didn't know who I really was, on the inside, and so I used food to hide behind.  Food, cigarettes and booze...........

When I found abstinence, I felt vulnerable & raw.........fragile to the point of breaking. With nothing to hide behind anymore, it was (and always is) sink or swim time.  A journey of this caliber is a gigantic learning experience.  I have to be able to identify my emotions, and then deal with them in a rational way, so I can stop trying to BURY them under food, booze & cigarettes.

Nowadays I see my actions & reactions & I understand myself & my motives (at least more than I once did.......)  I am a work in progress, however, and I don't expect everything to be perfect all the time, least of all myself.  My mood swings are less extreme, and I don't see the need to create drama 24/7. In fact, I try to AVOID the drama whenever possible!

For today, I know that I don't have to practice my addictive behaviors to cover up my feelings. For today, I will express them instead.