The Language of Letting Go: January 13th

Good Feelings

When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio - pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm - happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, and excitement.

It's okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.

We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less joyous terrain.

It's okay to feel good. We don't have to analyze, judge, or justify. We don't have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.

We can let ourselves feel good.

Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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It's strange, but true, that it sometimes feels 'wrong' to allow myself to feel good!  I may tell myself, when I'm feeling good, that the other shoe is going to drop soon, so watch out...........beware.........don't trust the good feelings; they are momentary in nature.

What sick, twisted thinking that is!!!

I was raised to believe that life is unfair; that people are not to be trusted.  That there is evil everywhere, and bad things WILL happen to good people all the time.  Doors must be locked at all times, windows cannot be opened for fear of thieves and murderers who WILL come through to kill me.  I was raised in an environment of fear & mistrust, trained to always look over my shoulder and be suspicious of everyone and everything.  Nothing is good. Nothing is real. Everyone on earth is bad & out to get me.

It's taken me decades to break this line of thinking!! When I allow myself to live in fear, how can happiness be allowed to seep THROUGH?  It can't. And, I was taught that it SHOULDN'T! 

Although I personally have made great strides to change my negative outlook on life & humanity, my folks still display the same behaviors I've grown up with.  Being an only child & in constant contact with them, I am subjected to this negativity constantly.  I receive phone calls asking me if my doors and windows are locked...............at 55 years old, I am constantly reminded of the negativity of my childhood & subsequent years of training.  I have no way to escape the situation, either, so I have to put up a shield to block OUT all of the negativity without blocking THEM out of my life and my heart.

It's tough. To say otherwise would be a lie. To be subjected to toxicity every day is definitely a challenge, especially from a Recovery standpoint.  My natural instincts tell me to stuff BACK all of the toxic messages with food, drink, or cigarettes.  Those three have been my 'go to' substances to find escape and relaxation.............to unwind from the mind chatter.

To stay in recovery while maintaining some semblance of a good relationship with the folks takes a solid plan of action!  I work the Steps, I stay glued to my Food Plan, and I keep the contact with them to a minimum.  I set the boundaries, to the best of my ability, and I leave the rest to God.

For today, I pray for the composure to stay on track, in spite of the Sunday visitation and the trip to a restaurant, where there will be much food pushing, questions, and judgments about what I choose to eat or not eat.

For today, I pray for the strength to keep a smile on my face & love in my heart.