Food for Thought: January 31st

Don't Be a Garbage Can

A garbage can is round and unprotesting as it accepts the leftovers which are stuffed into it. How many times have you treated yourself as a garbage can? As we stood up at the sink scraping what was left on the plates into ourselves, we rationalized that we just couldn't bear to waste good food. Why did we not remember the harm we were doing to our own bodies? "Is not the body more than food?" Certainly, it is more than a garbage can.

One way to eliminate waste is to prepare only what is needed for the meal. Sometimes we compulsive overeaters catch ourselves unconsciously overestimating quantities just so there will be something left to tempt us! Another way to avoid throwing out useable food is to keep a bowl in the refrigerator or freezer for scraps which can later be made into soup. We all know how to store complete servings for later use. It is the little bits here and there that get us into trouble.

If there is nothing that can be done with what is left in the bottom of the pan, then throw it away. Better to waste a small amount of food than to break abstinence, which is the most important thing in our lives.

Teach me to value my body more than food.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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Here is a blog I wrote on this very subject a while ago:

Crumbs & Broken Bits


The topic of my blog today is crumbs, crusts & broken bits of junk food. That’s what calls my name…not whole cookies or thick slices of cake or pie…..just the crumbs. If I see a box of whole chocolates or an entire candy bar, I have no desire to eat it. If I see a plate with some crumbs on it though, I’m salivating like a maniac. What’s UP with that??

Maybe that’s why the junk-food manufacturers are making so many bite-sized options these days….because they KNOW how people are more prone to wanting them. Lately, there’s been a big trend towards making bite-sized junk food. In my previous life, I used to adore bite sized food. I could pop it into my mouth mindlessly & make believe I was eating less than I would have had I chosen a large serving size. In reality, I wound up eating a whole lot MORE though…who’s kidding who? And that’s probably the manufacturer’s tactic behind making those mini-sizes: WE wind up eating more, and THEY make more $$$$.

Take the new Reese’s unwrapped mini’s for instance. When you don’t have to waste a few seconds tearing off individual wrappers, how many more of those suckers can you eat? A whole lot methinks. If you have to stop to remove a wrapper, you may actually THINK about what you’re doing, and there goes the Mindless Eating Strategy, right? Hmmm.

But, back to the crumbs, crusts & broken bits investigation. Do you find yourself getting more tempted by the leftovers than anything else? Like, say, a crust of pizza dough on your kids’ plate? Or a chunk of pie crust? Or how about the bottom of a bag of pretzels or cookies?? An empty cake box with just a few blobs of frosting or remnants on the bottom?

Is it just ME, or do you find some certain allure here too? I’m trying to figure out if this craving is something we share in common, or just some wild hair up MY butt….

I think, for me, if I reach for a crumb or a crust, I can trick myself into thinking it’s no big deal…not ‘real’ calories….no real harm in eating SUCH a tiny morsel. Of course, it never ends with one tiny morsel though……

Because sugar is my personal poison. If I start eating sugar, I may as well inject myself with poison because it has the same effect: death. Well, not really…..of course I won’t die if I eat sugar….but doing so may kill off my whole program. And that’s a death of sorts, isn’t it?

So, let’s take a survey:

If you had a choice, would you prefer a whole candy bar or a bite sized piece?


This 'crumb mentality' is typical Compulsive Overeater behavior..............treating our bodies like garbage cans by eating all the leftovers.  For today, I pray to be relieved of temptations to take that FIRST compulsive bite.

Food for Thought: January 30th

Eat Less, Enjoy More

Before we joined OA, we were eating more and enjoying it less. The more we ate, the more fat we had to lug around, and the harder it was to do anything, much less enjoy doing it. Feeling stuffed and guilty, we often did not even enjoy what it was that we were eating.

When our bodies are not overloaded with too much food and fat, we have energy for new activities. Our minds are sharper when they are not drugged with refined carbohydrates. Our emotions are more serene and positive when we are not full of despair and self-hatred.

Freed from the terrible compulsion to eat more and more, we have time and energy to spend learning a new sport, reading a story to a child, writing a poem. Whatever we choose to do, we enjoy it more when we are not overeating.

When we abstain, we feel good about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves, we feel good about life.

May I understand that for me, less food means more enjoyment.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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When I'm eating compulsively, I'm not eating for taste; I'm eating for volume. I don't care about 'enjoyment'..........I'm after the NUMBING factor, not what the food tastes like.

Why do I sometimes want to shut down? Because I am a compulsive THINKER. I have trouble shutting my MIND down, and sugar accomplishes that shut-down rather quickly. 

This is a ridiculous way to achieve mental peace! In the end,a binge has the OPPOSITE effect! I want to shut down, and I wind up in an even WORSE frame of mind afterwards!!!

The way to shut my mind down is through prayer & meditation. By focusing in on my breathing and to get in touch with my spirit, forgetting all about my body.

When I abstain, I feel good about ME, ALL of me! When I am compulsively eating, there is no such thing as 'enough' so why get started on that road to BEGIN with??????????

If I can't fill an emotional void with food, why try?

For today, I will fill any emotional voids with God & through prayer & meditation.

Each Day a New Beginning: January 29th

"I can't help it" . . . that's what we all say when we don't want to exert ourselves.
—Eva Lathbury

Irresponsible behavior is not unfamiliar to us. Passivity is equally familiar. In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes with achievement.

Our fear of failure helped us to be irresponsible. We may still fear failure, but the program offers us an antidote. We can't fail if we have turned our lives over to our higher power. We will be shown the way to proceed. Our fellow travelers have messages for us that will smooth our path.

I have chosen recovery. I have already said, "I can help it." I will celebrate that I am taking responsibility for my life today.

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

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Fear prevents us from allowing love into our hearts. Fear causes us to feel blamed and, in turn, to place blame on others. Fear prevents us from living a full life and creates an "I can't help it" attitude which is nothing more than a cop out ON life.

I CAN help it and I WILL help it. I refuse to allow fear to dictate my behavior.  If I don't put myself out there because of feeling fearful, then I may as well stay in bed all day with a hotplate next to my bed and a ton of groceries to munch on.  I can eat myself up to 900 lbs and just lie around, waiting to die.

I can give UP or I can surrender my powerlessness over my fear & hand it over to God, along with my addictive vices.

For today, I am not afraid to fail.  If I've tried something which resulted in failure, at least I've TRIED. That means I am living my life, as God intended me to, with no fear OF failure. Because failure does not define me. 

For today, I CAN HELP IT.  I will take responsibility for my life and I will live it, to the best of my ability, one day at a time.

Food for Thought: January 28th

Blessed Are the Hungry

When we are sated and overly full of food, there is no room left for the spirit. We feel like taking a nap, rather than working productively or playing enjoyably. During our overeating careers, how many hours have we wasted in bed, sleeping off the effects of a binge?

To eat no more than is necessary is to maintain our minds and bodies in a state of alertness and readiness for action. To say no to the sugars and starches which throw our blood sugar out of balance is to keep our energy level on an even keel.

As we lose excess weight and get rid of debilitating fat, we will probably experience some periods of hunger. There is nothing wrong with being hungry. Often it is when we are hungry that we are most humble and ready to listen to our Higher Power.

To accept physical hunger with serenity is to be spiritually strong.

I pray that my hunger may bring me closer to You, Lord.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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I spent decades treating hunger as an emergency. I would overeat at every meal, just in case I MIGHT get hungry. I was always overly full of food, with no room left for my spirit. I felt like taking a nap most of the time, rather than getting anything accomplished! I wound up sleeping my life away, wasting all that precious time that could've been better spent!!

To overeat is to shut my mind DOWN, to numb myself OUT and to keep myself unaware of the beauty of life that surrounds me.

Nowadays, I allow myself to feel hunger without over-reacting and over-eating.

Nowadays, I stick to my food plan of abstinence which keeps my blood sugars regulated and my energy on an even keel.

Nowadays, I eat to live rather than live to eat.

For today, I will eat no more than is necessary to maintain my mind and body in a state of alertness.

For today, I will treat food as fuel for my body instead of as entertainment, comfort or a substitute for love.

Food for Thought: January 27th

Enough Is a Feast

The frantic search for more and more has characterized many of our lives. We believed that if only we had more money, more clothes, more sex, more food, and more things - we would be happy and satisfied.

The more we consume, the more miserable we become. No amount of material things will satisfy our emotional and spiritual hunger. We learn to know our Higher Power, and we learn that He satisfies our need, not our greed. He feeds our hearts and our spirits with the abundance of His love, and when we are strengthened spiritually, physical control is possible.

Our measured food plan fills our bodily needs. The measured amount is enough. We accept it and become comfortable with it. More than that, we learn the truth of the ancient Zen saying that "Enough is a feast."

May I be content with enough instead of grasping for more.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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The Allure of the Binge, from my Blog

Every once in awhile, I get to thinking how nice it would be to have a big ole binge. Sometimes I remember the old days, when I’d do that…have a binge….and how it made me feel temporarily calm & relaxed. 

I read a blog last week  where the writer talked about how he feels so Relieved as soon as he makes the decision to have a binge. Whether he went ahead & ate the forbidden food or not, it was the decision to binge that made him feel relieved.

I know that feeling. There’s something about giving yourself the Go Ahead to eat whatever you want to that feels like freedom, doesn’t it? Freedom from diets, freedom from scales, freedom from worrying if something is on plan or off plan; freedom from caring.

Escape.

That’s the biggest allure of a binge: the freedom it promises, right? I don’t know about you, but every time I’ve had a binge, I didn’t care about the consequences; I only cared about the blessed nothingness that excess food brought along with it. No thinking, no worrying, no obsessing, no micro-managing, no racing mind. Nothing. It’s only the next day that I do care, after the sugar coma wears off & I’m faced with ‘the diet’ again.

Of course, there is no freedom whatsoever with binges. Once that decision is made, the real trouble begins. That’s when the real freedom ends and the true enslavement & addiction to food begins.

I know if I were to have a binge, no matter how much I ate, it still wouldn’t be enough.  Once I let that tiger out of his cage, he is totally Ravenous, let me tell you. 

When I have my bad moments & start thinking along the lines of having a binge, this is what I remind myself:

No Matter How Much You Eat Chris It Will still Not Be Enough

And that’s the truth.

So why should I get started down a road I’m not sure I can find my way off of?

If I have a binge, I will start feeling guilty immediately afterwards. I will feel ashamed of myself in the process. Shameful behavior leads to more shameful behavior. I awaken my taste-buds by eating trigger foods. Even if I’m able to get back to my Food Plan the next day, for instance, I’m still thinking about eating trigger foods. And, there’s only so long a person can think about something before he makes it a reality.

If it’s ok once, why not twice? Or three times? And so the vicious cycle goes.

It’s like a roller coaster analogy. You ride the car slowly slowly slowly up the tracks *staying abstinent* & then reach the top *a struggling point* where you stop for a 2 second breather, before that car takes off like a bat out of hell down the tracks towards the bottom. You lose your stomach once that car takes the plunge, and you know you’re in for a wild ride. A wild ride you can’t get off of or stop until it reaches its destination.

If I were to start having binges, my destination would be bottom alright, rock bottom. 

The key, for me, is not to get on that roller coaster to begin with. To stick to my Food Plan because I know for a fact that it keeps me on track. It keeps my addictive nature on simmer instead of on full-boil.

When we read blogs of those who have regained weight, it always started out with ‘just a bite’ of a trigger food. Sometimes it started out with the full intent to binge. But, one way or another, it always starts out with the consumption of a trigger food.

I can honestly say I’ve never read a blog from a person who regained their weight & had the whole mess start out with a broccoli stalk.

It’s sugar that starts the whole downhill decline.

If all I had to eat was vegetables & protein, I’d never have one moment of struggle.

It’s when I think I can ‘handle’ a sliver of pie or a ‘few’ cookies that I truly do struggle. Those foods are not part of my Food Plan so I don’t eat them, as a rule. I’m not always 100% though, and I do have my moments where I try to delude myself that I can handle sugar ‘in moderation’ or even eat like ‘a normal person’.

That’s when the vicious cycle starts & where it stops, nobody knows.

So, for today & today only, I will stay true to my Food Plan. I will recognize the fact that it keeps me on track & sane. I will remember what it feels like to experience true freedom rather than con myself into thinking excess food can provide that. It can’t. It never has & it never will.  

For today only, I will remember that while a binge can feel like Relief, the true relief comes from adherence to my Food Plan.

For today only, I will remember that every action has a reaction, and, most likely, a reaction I’m not interested in discovering.

For 24 hours, I can do anything. And that’s all I have to worry about: today. Yesterday is gone & tomorrow isn’t here yet.

The Language of Letting Go: January 26th

Off The Hook

We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.

We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.

Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.

Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.

When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.

We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.

What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?

What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?

Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.

We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.

If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.

Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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" If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it."  AMEN!








I have been involved in a co-dependent relationship with my folks for the past 5 decades, without knowing there was a name for the behaviors. The 'hinting & sighing' technique has reeled me in for years................I pick up on the cue and then run to 'fix' whatever my mom is hinting at!!!  I've tried, unsuccessfully, to 'fix' the endless issues, at my OWN EXPENSE.  I'd wind up eating/drinking/smoking to cope.

Now it's my turn to 'sigh'.

UGH. I am no longer willing to get reeled into the mess.  I am no longer willing to listen to the endless complaining & negativity, or respond to the chronic hints, looks & words that hook me.  I have some techniques I use nowadays, to avoid the traps that are set for me (whether they are unconscious or not).  I will say, "That's unfortunate" to the endless litany of complaints. That prevents ME from internalizing the negativity and punishing MYSELF for it!!!  It's kind of like a shield I put up in front of me, to deflect the negative words.  Gee Mom, that's unfortunate.  Moving right along.................

If someone wants something from me, they must ASK me for it directly. I no longer respond or react to hints or suggestions............just direct requests.  Beating around the bush yields NO results with me anymore.  I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty, and I must treat others with respect and honesty as well.

For today, I will not throw out a hook to others............. I will ask for what I need or want, with direct, precise language.

For today, I will not be snagged into caretaking by backhanded techniques which leave ME feeling victimized and angry.

For today, I will not be manipulated into feeling 'guilt'. 

For today, I will act like an adult.

Recovery Meditations: January 25th

~ MOVING ON ~

Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind.
Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time.

Eileen Caddy


As a child, teen, and young adult, I was sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically abused. I was neglected as well. By the time I was a young woman, the "abuse" was history, and I was left dealing with a very sick family. But I could not let go of my abused past!

The abuse became the topic of every conversation I had. Anything I saw on TV or read in a book or newspaper brought to mind the past. I awoke in the middle of the night to relive my childhood nightmares for a few hours before crying myself back to sleep. I spent entire days staring at the television, eating to numb myself from my pain and anger.

Eventually, I wanted more from my life. I became disgusted with myself and what my life had become. I was led to a Twelve Step group. There I learned how to let go of the past, to work through it, to make amends for my part in things, and to forgive those who abused me.

Today, when I discuss the abuse I suffered, which is seldom, I can do so without the anger and pain bubbling up. I can help others with my story, and then I can let it go. It is my history, but it's no longer ruling my present.

Like Thomas Raddall said, "Don't brood on what's past, but never forget it either."

One Day at a Time . . .
I will make amends and forgive others, not for them, but for me. I pray to live in today, to make it the best day I can.

~ Rhonda ~

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Rhonda, the writer of this lovely passage, decided at some point to STOP being a victim...........to STOP feeling self-pity for her 'lot in life' and to use all that painful history as a tool to empower herself & heal, rather than a tool to enable & entitle her to stay addicted.

If we want recovery, we must be willing to stop using our scars as badges of honor...............we must forgive ourselves & those who created those scars, so WE can move forward & live a useful, joy filled life.

If we choose to dwell in self-pity, we will never recover or be able to find all the joy life has to offer. We'll be too bogged down in what we 'can't' have rather than appreciating all we DO have!

For today, I will get out of m OWN head by paying my blessings forward.

For today, I will not feel sorry for myself for what I don't have, but I will feel joyous for what I DO!

Recovery Meditations: January24th

~ POSITIVE ATTITUDE ~

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money,
than circumstances, than what people do or say.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

Charles Swindoll


I can't remember ever having a consistently good attitude. When I was younger, I usually wore a mask of a good attitude, so many people were attracted to the mask but not to the real me, and I knew it. It didn't help my attitude grow more positive.

Coming into the Twelve Step program, my attitude was all negative. My theory was that if I expected the worst from everyone and everything, if by chance I got something better, I could be pleasantly surprised. This makes me laugh now. With that attitude, would ANYTHING ever be considered good enough to "pleasantly surprise" me? No, and it didn't. I ignored the many good things that happened--or I created a dark side to them.

In a meeting, I once heard that positives attract positives, and negatives attract negatives. This has stuck with me for years. It might be a scientific thing, but for me it refers to attitude. When I make the choice to be in a bad mood, I struggle through the day. Nothing seems to go right, and if it does, I don't notice it or appreciate it. When I make the simple choice to be in a good mood despite whatever problems I'm facing, good things happen to me. People smile back, elevating my mood. I can find humor in things around me. The sun is shining even on a rainy day. It's all up to me.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will make the choice to be happy for just today. I will look for the good in myself, in others and in the situations around me. I will keep my attitude positive.
~ Rhonda ~

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I'm sure I've used the 'expect the worst' attitude over the years! I was raised that way.........to be distrustful and suspicious of everyone & everything. Being trained to believe I was cursed, and living under a dark cloud of misery all the time, I developed into an adult with a bad attitude.

People can change when they are willing to have attitude adjustments! Nobody is 'cursed' or living under a dark cloud..........we are all given a beautiful life to enjoy & to appreciate, IF we allow ourselves to!

When I make the choice to be in a bad mood, I am purposely blocking joy OUT of my life, and inviting negativity IN. It is my choice to feel good and to have a positive attitude, or to feel bad and dwell in a negative attitude.

For today, I choose to be in a good mood & to focus on all the positivity that surrounds me! I will have a good day today, because I want to.

The Language of Letting Go: January 23rd

New Energy Coming

Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, and life becomes worth living. And we become grateful.
  —Beyond Codependency
There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.

There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. Our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.

The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.

Do not limit the future by the past!

Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?

Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.

We make these times doubly hard by comparing them to our past. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who we are. We do not have to scare ourselves by comparing our present and future to a painful past, especially our past before we began recovering or before we learned through a particular experience.

Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it.

A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.

Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of trust and obedience. Be open to the new.

Today, God, help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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As a compulsive person, I tend to think in extremes............in the "Nevers" and "Forevers".  If I'm having a bad day, it's going to last Forever.  I'll Never feel better.  Oh-my-God This Is My New Life From Now On.....................

I have learned to stop thinking in that black & white mentality............the beauty of life is in the Gray area. 

If I'm having a bad day, I just chalk it off, knowing it WILL pass if I allow it to.  When I accept what IS, I stop insisting on change and/or having things MY WAY.  In God's economy, nothing is wasted anyway..........every situation serves a purpose or has a lesson attached to it.

For today, I agree to accept whatever discomfort comes along, without fear and without trying to change it!

The Language of Letting Go: January 22nd

Appreciating Our Past

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.

The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.

Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes-stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.

Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.

Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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" Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving." When we embrace this concept, we stop beating ourselves up for past 'mistakes' and realize they served a purpose. Our mistakes were lessons that were required to insure our growth and development as human beings.

If not for my mistakes, I wouldn't be where I need to be: right here, where I am today.  I have faith in the knowledge that I am exactly as I am meant to be............living this life, doing what I'm doing right now.  I accept God's will for me............my goal is not to please anyone but Him, by living a clean and honest lifestyle, to the best of my ability.  When I keep my eyes & ears open for His messages, they come through loud & clear!

Miracles abound on a daily basis. They aren't all obvious, but they are all there for the taking, when I keep my heart & mind open to receiving them.

For today, I am grateful to be exactly where I am and grateful for all the 'mistakes' that led me here!
 

Recovery Meditations: January 21st

~ POSITIVE THINKING ~

Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.

Zig Ziglar


I came into Twelve Step meetings after descending into a well of negative thinking. It was a vicious cycle, one I wasn't even aware of for the longest time. My negative thinking fostered many resentments, hurts and binges. Once I became aware of this and started to work on changing my destructive thinking, I discovered that letting in just one negative thought opened the door to more negative thinking.

Then one day in a meeting I heard a long timer say that negative thinking attracted negative (thinking and actions) and positive thinking attracted positive (thinking and actions). That made sense with what I was experiencing. As I walked out of that meeting, I determined that I would do everything I could to keep all my thoughts positive in order to attract more positives to my life.

It worked! The more positive I could keep my thoughts, the better I felt about everything, and the more good things happened to me. My general attitude soared. When a bad thing happened (and they do happen) I found good things about it and focused on the good. Many many times I discovered that the "bad" thing had actually been a new good direction in disguise.

Positive attracts positive. Negative attracts negative. I'd rather attract positive.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will remember to turn to the program to help maintain my peace and serenity, especially through the bad times.
~ Rhonda ~ 

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We create our own reality with our thoughts.  If I take a negative outlook on life, negativity will prevail and surround me, causing destructive thinking to keep me practicing addictive behavior.  And it will allow me to feel justified in doing so! Poor poor me. I need to eat and I SHOULD eat/drink/smoke to feel better.

When I keep my thoughts positive, the better I feel about everything & everybody, and the more good things HAPPEN to me. When something 'bad' or unexpected happens, I can take the attitude that it's a blessing given to me to learn from. 

The purpose of life is to learn........and to learn how to give & receive love..........for ourselves and our fellow man.  Growth does not come during times of ease and comfort..........growth comes from adversity and making it THROUGH, whole and intact.

For today, I welcome whatever God has in store for me, 'good' or 'bad', happy or sad.

Food for Thought: January 20th

Avoiding Binge Foods

Most compulsive overeaters react to refined sugar and flour the way an alcoholic reacts to alcohol. One bite and we sooner or later go on a binge. We find it impossible to eat a controlled amount of food, which contains refined sugar or flour, and we inevitably end up with a hangover from our excesses.

Many of us have other binge foods as well. We have learned from sad experience that it is easier to avoid these foods entirely than to try to eat them in reasonable amounts. We have to be rigorously honest with ourselves in order to determine which food plan is best for each of us as an individual.

No food is worth the anguish of a binge. Once we accept this, we can accept the necessity of abstaining from personal binge foods. Abstinence means freedom from the obsession with food and from the compulsion to overeat. Freedom to live without overeating is the reward we gain when we avoid the foods that trigger our compulsion.

May I realize that avoiding binge foods is a small price to pay for freedom.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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After the Binge (My Blog written 6/27/12)

A thin, middle-aged woman walks into Safeway; well dressed, well put together, appearing to be in total control of herself and her life.  Some may look at her and think she’s lucky.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Unbeknownst to all that come in contact with her, that woman is on a mission.  Despite her cool, calm & collected exterior, a raging addict is driving her every thought, filling her mind with chaos.  Screaming in her ear that the ONLY thing she NEEDS is a bunch of junk food to calm down.  That’s all. Just hurry up and eat as much as you can, as quickly as you can, and then, I promise, You Will Feel Good.

All reason is gone from her mind, replaced by an overwhelming need to stuff herself and shut DOWN. Forget. Numb. Escape. Turn OFF her brain NOW. Stop thinking, worrying, counting, calculating. 

Afterward, when the sanity & awareness return, she is exhausted and beaten down.  As she comes out of the sugar coma, she asks herself WHY? What drove her to do it? Why did she lack the self-discipline that carries her through the rest of her life with relative ease? Why? Why does this ONE issue keep reappearing? Why can’t she get THIS under control?

The self-hatred she feels is palpable.  Nauseous & physically sick, dying of thirst, head pounding……..feeling enormous physical repercussions from the act of consuming thousands of useless calories over a one or two hour period of time.

She sleeps fitfully, tossing & turning, waking several times during the night to acid reflux and the ever pounding head. And the guilt.  The anxiety…..bordering on panic…….that overtakes her when she remembers the horrid and shameful act.

Yet, every time she wakes up, she thinks to herself, What Else Can I Eat Since I’ve Already Blown It?

If she eats more, she shuts herself down again, not having to think or worry about Why.

When she wakes to face the new day ahead, she feels incapable.  She wants to stay in bed, pull the covers up over her head, and hide. Dwell in the shame & self-loathing that’s overtaken her mind. Why get dressed & attempt to look good? For what? She feels unworthy of looking good.

She has to get up, though.  She goes thru the closet trying to find the ‘fat clothes’…….the loose fitting garments that will disguise her bloated & uncomfortable belly.  Everything feels wrong. Like so much effort.  It would be so much easier to go back to bed & turn the TV set on, and veg out instead.

The day is sunny & bright outside, but inside, she feels dark & shrunken. Hopeless.  She’s managed to push all that light out of her mind, and replace it with fear instead.

She swallows a few antacids & a couple of pain relievers.  Runs a brush through her hair, which looks limp & lifeless this morning…….exactly the way she feels.  The tears well up in her eyes as the memories of yesterday come flooding back, taking over her mind, as usual.

She drags herself through the day, vowing that she will never binge again.  

Until the next time.

By the grace of God, I’ve managed to stop this vicious cycle of binging & self-hatred.  That’s not to say I’ll never do it again.  It is to say that, for today, my program is more important to me than the temporary pleasure of a binge. 

The consequences are just too costly, too risky, and too debilitating; emotionally, physically & spiritually.

For today, I will stay committed to my food plan.  I will not dwell in the past, nor will I focus on the future.  All I have to do is concern myself with NOW.

And for NOW, I can do anything, with God by my side & a firm food plan to keep my mind from wandering too far off course.  Limited choices = serenity & inner peace.

For today, I will embrace my light & be all that God intends me to be.

Food for Thought: January 19th

Be Not Anxious

If we are conscientiously working the OA program, we may leave the results to our Higher Power. To worry is to insult God. When we admit that we are powerless over food and that our lives have become unmanageable, we can then ask for and receive strength and power beyond ourselves. When we turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, we are free to live without anxiety.

At first, we are awkward. We turn over our problems and anxieties one minute and take them back the next. We forget that the Twelve Step program has worked for countless other compulsive people--alcoholics and drug addicts as well as overeaters. Doubting God's strength, we fall back on our own weakness, and the result is trouble.

Through our contacts with OA members, we can see lives changed and people made new in body, mind, and spirit. These examples are convincing testimony to the efficiency of our Higher Power. The more we trust His will for us, the more He is able to work miracles in our lives.

Take my anxieties, Lord. I pray that Thy will may be done.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation

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I always felt it was my JOB to worry & feel anxiety.............how could I possibly turn things over to God to take care of? I was in charge of running the world!

Admitting powerlessness enables me to let GO of the notion that I'm in charge of the world.......because I'm not.  My efforts to control everyone & everything brought me to my knees with addiction running my life...............my efforts to enjoy freedom wound up enslaving me instead.

True freedom comes from surrender.

For today, I surrender my life to God and allow Him to be large & in charge.  I do the footwork, and leave the rest to Him.

The Language of Letting Go: January 18th

Gratitude

Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we're submerged in misery by nightfall.

Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences.

One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called gratitude. We learn to say, thank you, for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don't like this experience, but thank you anyway.

Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

Today, I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today's pain into tomorrow's joy.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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What a weird concept to be grateful for everything and everybody. For a compulsive person to find acceptance is a miraculous thing; we tend to criticize everyone and everything, then turn to food or other addictions to 'cope' with unfairness of it all. Woe is me. Poor me.

When I stop labeling events in life as 'good' or 'bad', then I treat each event as a blessing to learn from.  Everything is meant to play out exactly as it does, so I need to stop questioning 'why' and just go with the flow.  Acceptance is the key to gratitude, and gratitude is the key to serenity.

For today, I will force gratitude, if necessary, until it becomes habitual.  I will stop trying to control the outcome of any given situation, too.  If doors close when I'm trying to arrange something, and I find myself fighting to make it happen.........then it's not intended to work out.  Then is the time to let GO of MY way and accept God's way.  Conversely, if doors open for me when I'm trying to arrange something, and I find no obstacles in my way, then I will proceed, knowing that I'm on the right path.
When my gut tells me No, I will accept No as an answer. 

For today, I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today's pain into tomorrow's joy.

Recovery Meditations: January 17th

~ PROCRASTINATION ~

Procrastination, more than anything else I can think of,
separates those who want to be successful from those who are.

Lee Silber


I would always intend to start everything 'tomorrow.' As a compulsive overeater I constantly promised myself the diet would start the next day, or if a weekend was approaching, then it would be Monday. When I first found this program I still had the same attitude: I would get a sponsor in good time, I would get a food plan next week, I'd read the Big Book and other program literature when I got a moment. I thought if I just kept going to meetings something will happen.

However, I found that procrastination does not work in program any more than it does outside. I no longer wanted to be the member who was constantly sharing what a dreadful week I had with the food and other aspects of my life.

Today I have a sponsor, I have worked through all the Twelve Steps -- I am still working and living the Steps -- I am in good contact with my Higher Power, have a good food plan which I am following religiously, and I have recovery to bring to my shares.


One Day at a Time . . .
When I make a decision I follow it through with action immediately.

~ Lilian ~

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If I had a dime for every "Monday" I'd start a new diet, I'd be able to retire in Hawaii. Similarly, if I had a nickle for every 'last supper' I'd eaten before "Monday".........................you get the drift.

False promises and the lies I'd fed myself were plenty. 

Abstinence is a 'one day at a time' kind of thing.  I don't have to worry about yesterday or tomorrow, and I certainly don't have to make false promises to myself about "Monday".  All I have to worry about is NOW. Today.  The next 24 hours.  And, for 24 hours, I can do ANYTHING!

When I procrastinate, I put off the inevitable, and create stress for myself by worrying about the task at hand. Why not make like Nike and JUST DO IT?  The apprehension I feel by putting something OFF is worse than the act of DOING it!!!!!!!

Today I choose to work my program. Today I choose to have a good day.  Today I choose to stay in contact with my Higher Power and to listen for His guidance.

Today I choose to act 'as if' I have a good, solid program, because I DO.  I will allow nothing and nobody to stand in the way of my recovery.

For today, I choose to LIVE! Free from the bondage of addiction.

Food for Thought: January 16th

Act Your Way into Right Thinking

The OA program is one of action. For years, many of us have tried to analyze why we overate. The fact is that no amount of thinking will change our habits. To change, we must act.

We act by writing down a food plan, by picking up the telephone and calling a food sponsor, by going to a meeting. We act by buying the kind of food we need for our program. We act by planning our day so that we spend as little time as possible in the kitchen during those periods when we are likely to be tempted.

We act by walking away from food, which is not on our plan.

As we work the Twelve Steps, we take actions, which result in concrete character changes. As we take the right action, our thinking changes and right thoughts come. But first we must act. What actions shall I take today?

Lord, direct my actions.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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Going to any lengths to preserve our abstinence..............that's what it TAKES so that's what we DO.

Good actions create good thoughts, not the other way around.  I can think about abstinence until the cows come home..........but it's the action I take that makes abstinence a reality instead of a dream.

I stay out of dangerous situations that I know may threaten my program. Safeway I can't go into.........for me, it's like a crackhouse for some reason. It doesn't matter WHY...............all that matters is I stay OUT of that store!!!

When someone brings junk food into the office, I don't even look at it.  If I do, I risk eating it, because I put the thought into my MIND.............then it can be hard to get RID of said thought............so I don't go there to begin with.

For today, I will ACT myself into healthy THINKING. 

Food for Thought: January 15th

Slips

Each time we give in to our giant appetite and go off the program, it is just as hard to get back on as when we first began. If we forget that we are compulsive overeaters and think that we can handle a little extra food like a "normal" person, we are deceiving ourselves. For us, one extra bite invariably leads to another, and we begin to slide downhill back into despair.

The longer we wait to get back on abstinence, the harder it becomes. If we slip, we sometimes feel that since we haven't been perfect we might as well go ahead and eat a lot, since we have blown our food plan anyway. When we do this, we punish ourselves.

If a slip occurs, we need to put it behind us. It is over and done. We cannot undo it, but we can at this moment stop eating and start abstaining again. We do not need to wait until another day. Every moment we have the choice of abstaining or overeating. Which do you choose right now?

May I choose to abstain now and always.



From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation

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It's easy to forget that I am a compulsive overeater, and to delude myself that I can have a 'bite' and eat like a normal person.  Every time I get into that mindset, however, I am brought back down to my knees with the knowledge of my disease.  And the ensuing binge that happens every time I take that first compulsive bite.

There is not enough food on EARTH to fill my stomach when it's a spiritual void that truly needs fulfilling.

The OA program and the 12 Steps give me a clear path to a sane life and an abstinent lifestyle. For that I am eternally grateful.

For today, I will stay true to my food plan and I will ask God's help to saying No Thank You to that first compulsive bite.  When I feel weak, I will pray instead of eat.

Food for Thought: January 14th

Willing to Go to Any Lengths

To achieve success in this program, we are willing to go to any lengths. We want to stop eating compulsively more than anything else. We are willing to take the steps, which led to success for hundreds of others who have gone before us.

When we put abstinence first in our lives, then we are willing to experience periods of hunger and craving as our appetites and our bodies adjust to the new food plan. We are willing to eat according to need, not greed.

In times of stress and difficulty, we are willing to go to any lengths to stay on our program. This may involve going to extra meetings, making more phone calls, spending more time reading the literature and meditating. Whatever it takes to keep us abstinent is what we are willing to do.

Most important, we are willing to turn our lives over to the care of God, as each of us understands Him. As we let ourselves be led hour-by-hour and day-by-day, our lives fall into place, and we are given inner joy and serenity.

I pray that I may always be willing.


From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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Going to any lengths........for me, means that I must keep the house clear of any & all trigger foods. I cannot keep junk in the house and NOT eat it.  I will wake up at 2 am to do so............such is the nature of my disease and I KNOW that.............so I keep my house an abstinence-friendly zone. 

At work and out of the house, I ignore off plan foods & pretend they don't exist. I will not check to see what's new in the vending machines, or what's in the big box on the lunchroom table...........because I don't need to know. I have my meals planned out, and I eat them at certain times during the day, and that's ALL I need to focus on.

When I put abstinence first in my life is when I am willing to eat according to need, not greed.  If I veer off course, then there won't be enough food on earth to 'satisfy' me because I'm not eating from hunger but from greed............and to fill an emotional void...........which cannot BE filled with food (or any other addictive substance)

For today, I pray for the willingness to keep my program my #1 priority.

The Language of Letting Go: January 13th

Good Feelings

When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio - pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm - happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, and excitement.

It's okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.

We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less joyous terrain.

It's okay to feel good. We don't have to analyze, judge, or justify. We don't have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.

We can let ourselves feel good.

Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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It's strange, but true, that it sometimes feels 'wrong' to allow myself to feel good!  I may tell myself, when I'm feeling good, that the other shoe is going to drop soon, so watch out...........beware.........don't trust the good feelings; they are momentary in nature.

What sick, twisted thinking that is!!!

I was raised to believe that life is unfair; that people are not to be trusted.  That there is evil everywhere, and bad things WILL happen to good people all the time.  Doors must be locked at all times, windows cannot be opened for fear of thieves and murderers who WILL come through to kill me.  I was raised in an environment of fear & mistrust, trained to always look over my shoulder and be suspicious of everyone and everything.  Nothing is good. Nothing is real. Everyone on earth is bad & out to get me.

It's taken me decades to break this line of thinking!! When I allow myself to live in fear, how can happiness be allowed to seep THROUGH?  It can't. And, I was taught that it SHOULDN'T! 

Although I personally have made great strides to change my negative outlook on life & humanity, my folks still display the same behaviors I've grown up with.  Being an only child & in constant contact with them, I am subjected to this negativity constantly.  I receive phone calls asking me if my doors and windows are locked...............at 55 years old, I am constantly reminded of the negativity of my childhood & subsequent years of training.  I have no way to escape the situation, either, so I have to put up a shield to block OUT all of the negativity without blocking THEM out of my life and my heart.

It's tough. To say otherwise would be a lie. To be subjected to toxicity every day is definitely a challenge, especially from a Recovery standpoint.  My natural instincts tell me to stuff BACK all of the toxic messages with food, drink, or cigarettes.  Those three have been my 'go to' substances to find escape and relaxation.............to unwind from the mind chatter.

To stay in recovery while maintaining some semblance of a good relationship with the folks takes a solid plan of action!  I work the Steps, I stay glued to my Food Plan, and I keep the contact with them to a minimum.  I set the boundaries, to the best of my ability, and I leave the rest to God.

For today, I pray for the composure to stay on track, in spite of the Sunday visitation and the trip to a restaurant, where there will be much food pushing, questions, and judgments about what I choose to eat or not eat.

For today, I pray for the strength to keep a smile on my face & love in my heart.

Food for Thought: January 12th

Gratitude

I am grateful to have found OA. Without it, I would still be floundering in despair. I would still be alone, without understanding friends, without purpose, and without hope.

I am grateful to be abstaining just for today. I do not have to worry about tomorrow, because if I live well today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

I am grateful for a new life, for new strength growing out of old weakness.

When I am full of gratitude, there is no room left for anger, envy, fear, or hatred. Nor is there room for pride, since when I am grateful I am humbly aware of my dependence on my Higher Power. Being filled with gratitude is ever so much better than being filled with food!

May I gratefully abstain today and every day.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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I am extremely grateful for my abstinence today. I was able to wake up and thank God for another day of abstinence, sobriety & no smoking. I will stay on track today with my Life Plan so that I can lay my head down tonight, thanking God for the very same, and again tomorrow morning.

For today, I am grateful to feel an inner peace which managed to elude me for most of my life while I was actively practicing addictive behaviors.  I blotted out the peace from my soul in the process.

For today, I am grateful to be alive, to be strong, to be addiction free and to be going shopping to the mall with my daughter.  I will not spend an excessive amount of money today, either, or I will be disliking myself tonight........................

For today, I'm simply grateful.

Recovery Meditations: January 11th

~ FOCUS ~
It takes a long time to become young.
Pablo Picasso

By the time I came to the Twelve Step program, I had forgotten how to have fun. My whole world revolved around food--eating it, planning to eat it, or not eating it (and being very aware of it). When asked to go anywhere, what first came to mind is what foods I could eat there. I would agree to go only if I were in the mood for the kind of food that would be available, and if the person going with me would be interested in eating it too. Parties were all about the food, not who I'd see and meet. Family reunions were about Aunt Betty's specialty dish and Uncle John's grilled meats.

This focus on food made me forget how to have fun. I even forgot what I liked to do, if I ever knew. The truth is that fun came to mean eating, and it was what I liked to do.

In the recovery program, I've learned that I have choices; I just couldn't see them for the food! The first time I went to a party where I didn't even think about the food, but enjoyed all the new people I met while reconnecting with old friends, I was shocked when I ended up at the refreshment table. The party was almost over, and I hadn't visited this area the second I walked in the door! What a relief! And what fun! I came home full of life and love and laughter. I hadn't felt so young in years.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will pray to keep my focus away from food and instead focus on life.

~ Rhonda ~
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I can SO identify with this reading from Rhonda! My whole world revolved around food & drink before I found recovery. I didn't even want to go anywhere if food & drink was not available. I'd worry if there would be enough (as if such a thing exists!)  I remember going to a bowling alley once & sneaking off to the bar for a double shot of bourbon because what I was able to consume in public wasn't 'enough.'  Then I'd sneak off to the snack bar & smuggle something for later in my purse. 


This was my idea of 'fun'? Sigh. How very depressing to remember those days and to admit the severity of my addictions.
My whole world was centered around food and booze.  I didn't know how to have 'fun'...........the truth was, fun meant eating & drinking to excess, and that's ALL I enjoyed doing.

By the grace of God, I now see that I have choices. Those choices were available to me always, I just couldn't see them for the food & drink.  That's all there was............my entire life was centered around my addictions and what a narrow, small world that truly IS.

For today, I am not thinking about what foods I can eat, or what cocktails I can drink, or when I can sneak in a smoke.  My world has finally opened up to let in the light of recovery.  For today, I choose to stay OUT of the darkness & to LIVE, free from the burden of addiction.

I may BE an addict, but today, I don't have to ACT like one!   

The Language of Letting Go: January 10th

Fear

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
  —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us: fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.

"But I failed before!" "I can't do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if.. .?" These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.

After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I read them and grimaced. "No good," I thought. "Can't do it." I was ready to pitch the chapters, and my writing career, out the window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problem. She listened and told me: "those chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing."

I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a New York Times best seller.

Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to - and are necessary for - an upcoming success.

Feel the fear, and then let it go. Jump in and do it - whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.

Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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Failure is but a thread in the tapestry of life.  If it weren't for my failures, how could I have appreciated success? How would I recognize it?

We don't experience growth during the easy times of life, when we're coasting along, carefree & without worry.  We experience profound growth through times of turmoil..........when we are faced with a big challenge.  We jump in and DO it, whatever 'it' is..........and we ask God to guide us every step of the way. 

When I allow fear to prevail, I am never good enough. I fear failure and avoid taking the first step towards reaching my goal.  I will second guess myself, and the decision making process becomes torturous.

For today, I will go with my gut..........I will follow my instincts and do what feels right.  For today, I will not allow fear to stop me from living my life. 

For today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner!!!

Recovery Meditations: January 9th

~ SEEING CLEARLY ~

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee,
you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

Norm Crosby


For so many years I had trouble seeing the obvious. I felt blind when dealing with emotions. I didn't know how to express anger properly. I was either furious (and eating) over little things, or emotionally void (and eating) over big things. I was told my feelings were hurt too easily, so I began to stifle my rightfully hurt feelings, using food to stuff the pain. But the worst was happiness. I was hysterically happy over the stupidest little things, and felt immensely unworthy of kindnesses done for me. Neither felt comfortable, so I always ended up eating.

It all began to come clear in the program. For once I could see my actions and my reactions and begin to understand myself and my motives. As I have worked this program, I no longer feel like my emotions swing on a pendulum from one extreme to the other. I can see things as they really are. I no longer make big mountains out of small hills or make small hills out of big mountains. I can now feel happiness, and express it, in complete comfort with myself. The nicest part is that while I may not be well-acquainted with my new behavior yet, it feels very comfortable, and I no longer have to practice my eating disorders to cover up my feelings.

One day at a time...
My eyes are opened by the program to the truth of what is and the feelings that are.

~ Rhonda H. ~

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When I'm all about reaction & drama, that's when I can't cope with life and eat to shut down the pain of it all.

Feeling  uncomfortable in my own skin........that led me to overeat.  In fact, everything in life that happened........good OR bad........led me to overeat.  I didn't know who I really was, on the inside, and so I used food to hide behind.  Food, cigarettes and booze...........

When I found abstinence, I felt vulnerable & raw.........fragile to the point of breaking. With nothing to hide behind anymore, it was (and always is) sink or swim time.  A journey of this caliber is a gigantic learning experience.  I have to be able to identify my emotions, and then deal with them in a rational way, so I can stop trying to BURY them under food, booze & cigarettes.

Nowadays I see my actions & reactions & I understand myself & my motives (at least more than I once did.......)  I am a work in progress, however, and I don't expect everything to be perfect all the time, least of all myself.  My mood swings are less extreme, and I don't see the need to create drama 24/7. In fact, I try to AVOID the drama whenever possible!

For today, I know that I don't have to practice my addictive behaviors to cover up my feelings. For today, I will express them instead.

Food for Thought: January 8th

The Bottom Line

For everything worthwhile in life, there is a price to pay. The price is the bottom line. There is no free lunch. While we have learned that we cannot overcome compulsive eating without the support of our Higher Power and the OA group, we also know that OA is not a free ride to ideal weight maintenance. Each of us must look at the bottom line.

The price of freedom from compulsive overeating is the avoidance of all personal binge foods. It is the discipline of measured meals every day. We cannot have a new life of freedom from compulsion if we continue to cling to our old excesses. We cannot be free and overeat at the same time. We must be willing to pay the price.

As we move along each day in abstinence, we form new habits and we become accustomed to living without extra, unnecessary food. We begin to change in positive, constructive ways. One day at a time, in small installments, we pay the price of our new growth and progress. What we gain is infinitely more than worth the cost!

May I be willing to pay the price today.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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If there was a 'free lunch' in life, I'd have found it years ago, eaten it, and I'd be thin & healthy without having to work for it. Instead, I have to face the bottom line: I can avoid my personal binge food & use discipline with my Food Plan, or, I can stay immersed in the disease of  compulsive overeating.  It's just THAT simple.

It's never easy, though, is it? What price am I willing to pay for freedom from my disease, and maintaining a healthy/trim figure?


It seems to me that this disease is a no-win situation.........it extracts a hefty price from me, one way or another. I can be miserable overeating, or I can be miserable sticking to a structured Food Plan.  Either way, there IS misery involved.  Certainly, there are fewer days of 'misery' while practicing abstinence than there are practicing compulsive overeating............but it doesn't always feel that way.  Some days I'd be willing to cut my arm off for a binge, or a cigarette, or a bottle (or 4) of wine.  When 'those days' pop up, I tend to feel plenty of self-pity and resentment for my 'lot in life.'  And it sometimes FEELS like a sorry lot in life, too.

Misery practicing the disease of excess, and misery practicing the habits of abstinence.  Which one is more costly?  Practicing the habits of excess are certainly more costly..........I've proven that to myself for decades.

What I have gained through abstinence IS infinitely worth the cost.........this is true.  So I plug along, for today, choosing to be free from the habits that bog down my soul & keep me immersed in disease instead of recovery.

For today, I will stay in recovery..........only for the next 24 hours, however.  I will not worry about tomorrow, but just focus on today.  For 24 hours, I can do ANYTHING.

The Language of Letting Go: January 7th

Dealing with Painful Feelings

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.

Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.

These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.

Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.

We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.

We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.

Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation

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I always remind myself, when in doubt, do NOTHING. As a compulsive person, my first inclination is to react.........then make a hasty decision about how to proceed.  That first impulsive reaction is normally wrong.............so I avoid making ANY decision until I've had a chance to process my thoughts/feelings.

It's OK to feel hurt; it's OK to feel vulnerable.........in fact, it's OK to FEEL.  I've spent decades numbing myself out, preventing myself from feeling........that I've managed to block out the JOY as well as the pain!!!

Nowadays, I try to express myself honestly..........I try to share my hurt feelings instead of stuffing them back with excess food.  I say 'try' because I am not always successful............my mother, for instance, hurts my feelings all the time but I have trouble letting HER know that.  It feels pointless......because she will argue that she's not TRYING to hurt my feelings.  But somehow she manages to hurt me anyway.  "I know I shouldn't say this but................" is one of her favorite openings. So why say it, then?  Some people feel that all they have to do is acknowledge the fact that what they're saying is hurtful before they go ahead and hurt you! Then it's somehow OK.  Sigh.

For today, I will stand up for myself in an honest fashion.  Instead of acting in haste or anger, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

For today, I think I will be ME!

Recovery Meditations: January 6th

LONELINESS

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted
is the most terrible poverty.

Mother Theresa


I remember being lonely for most of my growing up years. I never had many friends and never felt I fitted in, so I buried myself in studying and became an overachiever. I also buried myself in reading novels and lived in a fantasy world, always trying to escape that terrible empty feeling inside. I could be in a crowd of people or at home with my family, and yet the feeling of loneliness was always there. I didn't realize then that this was a kind of spiritual sickness, and I began to fill the "hole in my soul" with food; I was hoping food would take away the empty feeling. It took me years and a great deal of pain to realize that no amount of food could relieve that empty lonely feeling. Keeping busy couldn't help either. It was only when the pain of the food and the destructive things I was doing to myself became greater than the pain and the loneliness that I was trying to bury under mounds of food that I was brought to my knees and found the doors of my first program meeting.

Even though I wasn't sure that the program was for me at that first meeting, I knew then that I need never be alone. Other people suffered as I did and the feeling of not having to go it alone any more was very powerful. As I grow in the program and have discovered a Higher Power who is with me day and night, I have come to realize that I need never be alone. I can call on that Power at any time when I feel alone and scared. No longer do I have to feel the spiritual emptiness inside that used to drive me to food.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will remember to call on my Higher Power for guidance and help with my life; in that way, I need never be alone. When I follow the path that God intended me to follow in the first place, the loneliness disappears.

~ Sharon ~

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While I did not bury myself in studying as a child, I DID bury myself in books, living in a fantasy world for decades.  And food; after suffering a trauma at 5 years old, I discovered how excess food would numb me to reality..........take me away from the pain of something I couldn't talk about, and comfort me in some strange kind of way.  I used food to soothe me, until I discovered booze at 13 and cigarettes at 16.  So began what I call the 'unholy trinity' of addiction in the form of oral fixations.  I even bit my fingernails compulsively, speaking of oral fixations. 

I'm 55 years old and just now handling all the addictions together.  I stopped biting my nails at 23, when I was planning my wedding, simply because I didn't want to walk down the aisle with nasty fingernails. In those days, acrylic nails weren't yet invented.  For some reason, when I made up my mind to stop biting my nails, I just DID.  It wasn't hard at all.

The other 2 addictions have been brutally hard to manage, especially the food.  Once I stopped drinking, I stopped thinking about booze (for the most part) and held that addiction off for 9 years before falling off the wagon. Believe it or not, I was going to Italy with my teenage son, on a Perillo tour, and consciously decided to drink wine! I told myself I could handle it, in moderation of course, not really believing I was capable of 'moderation' but lying to myself that I could.  Naturally, I couldn't...........and I fell hard.  It took me another SEVEN YEARS to get sober.

Once I decided to stop eating compulsively and to find abstinence, I struggled at first.  4 1/2 years ago, and I STILL struggle with food.  All I have to do is avoid trigger foods and taking that first compulsive bite, yet I am not always successful with maintaining 100% abstinence.

The cigarettes I got rid of (for about the 100th time) on December 4, 2012.  To date, I haven't taken ONE puff from ONE cigarette, because I KNOW what will happen if I do. I will be back to smoking full time, and I will be smoking MORE as a result of the deprivation I felt from quitting. 

Such is the nature of ALL addictions, and why they progress & worsen each time they come out of remission.  The binges get much larger, the volume of drinking increases dramatically, and the desire to smoke goes thru the roof. 

One is too many & a million is not enough..............that saying applies to ALL of the addictions.

For today, I will not 'soothe' myself with booze, excess food or cigarettes. For today, I realize there is not enough food, booze or cigarettes on earth to fill me up.  Only abstinence & reliance on my Higher Power will accomplish THAT. 

For today, I will fill my soul with health instead of addictive destruction.

Food for Thought: January 5th

Less Food, More Energy

When we have used excess food as a crutch for years, we think we need it to "keep up our energy." We have become especially dependent on the refined carbohydrates, sugar and flour, to give us a quick pickup when we are tired.

The truth of the matter is that the pickup, that sharp rise in blood sugar we got when we ate refined sugar and flour, was soon followed by an even sharper letdown. We ended up more tired than when we began! Excess food of any kind makes us groggy and lethargic.

When we eliminate the wrong kind of food and eat only the amount, which our bodies need for optimum functioning, we are amazed at the supply of energy we suddenly have. Jobs, which we have put off doing for years, begin to get done. We feel good. Instead of spending unnecessary time for extra eating and digesting, we have that time to use in productive, enjoyable activity.

Try it and see.

Lord, strengthen my body to serve You.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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Less really is more, especially when it comes to food intake! When I was eating compulsively, I had no time to devote to anything but food & eating.  When I did have some down time, I was too tired & lethargic to actually DO anything but sleep.  I'd sleep very late in the mornings & go to sleep late at night, after eating myself into a carb coma.

When I found abstinence, I couldn't fall asleep. I had too much energy and lie, wide awake, until the wee hours of the morning. I'd gotten SO used to eating carbs to put me to sleep, that eliminating them gave me insomnia for a while!!

The only way OUT of this mess is THROUGH it, one day at a time.  When I put abstinence as my #1 priority in life, everything else falls into place & takes care of itself. Not having to deal with wild blood sugar fluctuations, and the resultant wild mood swings, has calmed my life down dramatically.

Sometimes, I long for the days of drama I had when I was actively pursuing my addictions. Then I remember........just how bad those days really were.  And I thank God for the abstinence and sobriety that's shown me exactly HOW to live in peace & serenity.

For today, I pray to keep abstinence #1 in my life and to never succumb to the lure of 'just this once'.............because then I will SEE just how hard life can really BE.

The Language of Letting Go: January 4th

Separating from Family Issues

We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.

Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.

Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.

We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.

We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.

We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.

Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.

We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.

We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.

Today, I will separate myself from family members, l am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this. 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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Wow! What a powerful reading this is; filled with truth and honesty.

Just because I am a member of a family does not mean that I MUST take on THEIR problems and make them my own! I am a separate individual, entitled to my own thoughts & feelings, and entitled to practice my own program of recovery, REGARDLESS of what they are doing!

Misery loves company. Friends and family often try (or ONCE tried.......) to drag me back into THEIR world of addictive/dysfunctional behaviors.  It is up to ME whether I go back, or whether I stand MY ground & adhere to my OWN belief systems.  Back in the old days, I'd use the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality.............but at some point, it no longer works.  At some point, when I reached rock bottom, I HAD to change MY behaviors in order to live a full life.

Yes, my family is still my family, warts and all.  But I am a different person now, no longer 'going with the flow' of what THEY think MY life should look like!  Nowadays, I set healthy boundaries with the toxic family members, dealing with them on MY terms and on MY schedule.  My phone has voice mail, which means I speak to them when I have the head to do so, not when THEY deem it's time! 

I no longer feel guilty for taking care of MYSELF; that is my God-given right, and a necessary instrument to Recovery.  I am worth it, and I am not afraid to say that out loud!

For today, I am allowed to be Me. 

For today, I don't have to buy into YOUR version of 'normal.'

For today, I will not devote MY life to YOU and call it 'caring.'

For today, I will not internalize YOUR problems and make them MINE.

For today, I will not practice co-dependent behaviors.

For today, I am Free to Be.

The Language of Letting Go: January 3rd

Nurturing Self Care

...there isn't a guidebook for setting boundaries. Each of us has our own guide inside ourselves. If we continue to work at recovery, our boundaries will develop. They will get healthy and sensitive. Our selves will tell us what we need to know, and we'll love ourselves enough to listen.
  —Beyond Codependency

What do we need to do to take care of ourselves?

Listen to that voice inside. What makes you angry? What have you had enough of? What don't you trust? What doesn't feel right? What can't you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you want? Need? What don't you want and need? What do you like? What would feel good?

In recovery, we learn that self care leads us on the path to God's will and plan for our life. Self-care never leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.

Learn to nurture that voice inside. We can trust ourselves. We can take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think. Our guide is within, ever present. Listen to, trust, and nurture that guide.

Today, I will affirm that l am a gift to the Universe and myself. I will remember that nurturing self care delivers that gift in its highest form.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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Getting to know myself............after decades of hiding behind fat, booze........and even cigarettes. Getting to know the real ME, who is not practicing addictive behaviors of any kind........is a new experience, even after 55 years of being alive.

The voice inside of me must be heard........I CAN rely on my intuitions because they never lead me astray.  The 'voice' that tells me to resume my addictive behaviors is something else entirely. That 'voice' is my addict MIND at work...........my brain trying to trick me into using again.  That 'voice' is just a series of thoughts, over which I have control. I squash those deceitful thoughts as soon as they pop up, and remind myself that I do NOT have to make a THOUGHT into a REALITY. Period.

For today, I will listen to my voice. I will get to know myself, love myself, and accept myself exactly as I AM. 

For today, I may BE an addict but I do NOT have to behave like one.  If need be, I will fake it till I feel it!

Food for Thought: January 2nd

Help!

When we hit bottom and are ready to swallow our pride, help is available. When we admit that by ourselves we are powerless, a Higher Power takes over. Most of us have tried for years to control what we eat by ourselves. Often it seems that the harder we try, the more miserably we fail. We despair. When we are truly desperate and ask for help, OA can help us.

We have proven that we cannot solve our problem alone. A diet is not enough. We need a program that fills our emotional and spiritual needs as well as our physical ones.

Step by step and day by day we can learn to live without overeating. We will gradually become convinced that no amount of physical food will ever satisfy our emotional and spiritual hunger. The Higher Power, which infuses each OA GROUP, becomes our lifesaver and our nourishment.

God, save me from myself.

From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.

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I know for a FACT that there is no amount of food on earth to satisfy my emotional & spiritual hunger. Which is why, when I have a binge, it gets bigger & uglier every time: because food can't fill me up.......it's impossible.

I stick to my food plan of abstinence because the pain of addiction is far greater than the pain of following a structured eating plan!!! I just said those very words to a dear friend who is struggling right now, wanting to give UP and give IN to the desire to keep bingeing.

I asked her, "When will it be 'enough' food? When will the binge satisfy you? When you are 300 lbs, or 400 lbs, or 500 lbs?"

I watched My 600 Pound Life last night on TV.  The 653 lb woman, Melissa, ate breakfast at 8 am, 9 am, 10 am, 11 am, and then started eating lunch at 12.........then 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..........then started dinner at 6..............and so it went.  Was her out of control eating 'enough'? Apparently not.

When we refuse to work on the reasons WHY we want to stuff our bodies so full of food we can't even move............THEN the addiction wins & we continue eating. But we never feel full.

There but for the grace of God go I............walking in Melissa's shoes.............or an 800 lb person's shoes...........convinced I am 'unable' to put my addiction into remission.

For today, I will stick to my Food Plan of abstinence & thank God FOR it! I will consider it 'enough' food for today, and I will not veer off of it.