For Today: August 13th

To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of a total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.
Erich Fromm

Am I still using food to avoid my feelings?  Does the term, "fat serenity," describe where I am today?  If it does, I accept it without judgment.  In time, perhaps I will tire of that bland feeling-no-pain state of escape that robs me of my humanity.  Perhaps I will have the courage to acknowledge pain, to feel the feelings without reaching for an escape, and to have faith that my Higher Power is directing my life, not I.

I accept unconditionally wherever I am today, acknowledging the truth without reservation or recrimination.

For Today:  The OA program, the people and God are all there for me, loving me fat or thin, abstinent or compulsively overeating.  Can I do any less for myself?

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For most of my life, I used food to avoid feeling discomfort….negative feelings that were aroused in me primarily by other people. Excess food was my escape & my comfort….my drug of choice to numb myself from dealing with my own response to life. If I stuffed back my negative emotions, well then, I didn’t have to feel them. Unfortunately, I also prevented myself from feeling positive emotions as well. Numb is numb……nothing good or bad penetrates numb.

Stress, aggravation, frustration, negativity….were all factors leading me to eat compulsively.  My mother, in particular, has a way of pushing my buttons like nobody else on earth, and when she does, it drives me to the refrigerator.  Sugar numbs me out like nothing else, shuts down my negative response to the situation, and calms me down.  It also triggers my addiction & keeps it alive.

My food plan prevents me from overeating.  So, if & when stress & frustration come up, I don’t get thrown for a loop & head for the junk food.  My food plan is what overrides my instincts.  Although I may have the desire to binge, my food plan doesn’t allow me to do it.

If I stay committed to my food plan, I don’t eat for emotional reasons.  I am then able to use food for fuel purposes only…..to nourish my body & not my soul or my mind.

Staying abstinent for 38 months has had a trickle-down effect with other aspects of my life as well.  I function beautifully with a routine…whether it applies to food or to everyday life, the routine is what keeps me on track.  I don’t divert from my daily routines because if I did, I would get lost again in the labyrinth of Too Much Choice. 

I’ve developed a solid routine for everything from when I go to sleep to when I wake up, cleaning the house, running errands, doing wash……..every chore I face is subject to a schedule so I don’t feel overwhelmed by what I have to do. The routine I’ve developed keeps me sane and thin, with a positive outlook on life instead of a negative one.

  Nowadays, my food plan forces me to eat moderately, not my addictive, manipulative mind.

Structure prevents chaos, as Dr. Kessler says in his book, The End of Overeating.  If I don’t stick to a strict routine of eating small, healthy & high protein meals all day long, I will go back to the chaos of thinking I have the power to wing it & stay successful.

For me, the real power lies in accepting the truth rather than fighting against it tooth & nail.  When I gave up is when I stopped giving in.  Only then was I able to structure my entire life in a way where I’m not a slave to addiction.  I never realized I would find freedom by giving up my control-freak tendencies & admitting defeat!

For today, I will recognize the fact that my feelings won't kill me........but obesity & compulsive overeating WILL.  For today, I will interpret my emotions as facts instead of dramatic crises that must be avoided.