Recovery
Meditations: October 6th
LONGINGS
“The great question -
which I have not been able
to answer - is, 'What
does a woman want?'”
Sigmund Freud
All my life I have been searching for what I “really want”.
I tried sports, different jobs, friends, lovers and traveling. I even tried
therapy. None of these ever worked. Once I had what I thought I wanted, I
didn't want it anymore. The urge to want -- to long for the best things -- was
an inner, unsatisfied hunger. Excessive food became my sedating drug. When
using food, I was numb to my longings. I felt it was impossible to fill this
void. It seemed I would never know or receive what I wanted.
The 12 step program of recovery taught me that I could have
anything I wanted -- if God gave it to me. When I stopped wanting everything so
badly, and I surrendered to be His child and employee, I learned that what I'd
thought of as “wanting” was actually what I was “missing”. I missed everything
important in my life, so I wanted everything. It was never enough ~ never the
right thing or the right person. I felt that even I was "wrong"
because I was without love, patience, tolerance or companionship. In OA I found
all of that. With God's help, I now have those things in my life every day when
I ask for it and accept it as part of me today.
One day at a time...
I no longer want so
much, and I am thankful for what I receive. I am receiving more than I have
ever dreamed of.
~ Trine
**************************************
Each Day A New Beginning
—Virginia Satir
Each of us is blessed with an internal guide, a source able to direct our actions if we but acknowledge it. Never are we in doubt for long about what path to take. The courage to take it might not be immediately forthcoming; however, it, too, is one of the gifts with which we've been blessed. Courage is ours for the asking. Right direction is ours for the taking.
Trusting our inner selves takes practice, followed by attention to the results of our risks. Before recovery, many of us passively waited for others to orchestrate our behavior, our feelings, and our attitudes. Stepping forward as the leading lady, with our own script in hand is quite a change, but one we are being coached, daily, to make.
The Steps help us to know who we are. More importantly, they help us become the women we long to be. But most important, they offer us the spiritual strength to risk listening to the message within and the strength to go forth as directed.
Right results, again and again, are elicited by right action. And my knowledge of the right action is always, and forever, as close as myself.
**************************************
Food For Thought
God never forsakes us; we forsake Him. We become so involved in our concerns and activities that we forget to open our eyes and our hearts to His presence. We may be physically abstinent, but still allow food to have the most important place in our lives. If our Higher Power is not at the center of our lives, we will find it difficult (if not impossible) to be emotionally abstinent.
Emotional binges occur when we wander away from our Higher Power into self-centered preoccupation. Without His control, we lose our serenity. There will always be cause of conflict and frustration in our daily lives. How we handle these situations depends on our spiritual condition.
By ourselves, we cannot manage our own lives. Our behavior can be insane. It is through the Power greater than ourselves that we are led into order, sanity, and recovery. To stay with this Power is our salvation.
May we not forsake You.
From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.
****************************************
The Language of Letting Go
It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior - a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.
Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:
Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.
--Soren Kierkegaard
Maybe our debt is spiraling so out of control we can't face it. We can't tolerate sitting at the table one more time trying to manipulate figures to meet the month's expenses. If we're responsible for creating the debt, we may be in denial or have a lot of shame. If our spouse is responsible, we may be so confused we give up, not knowing whether he or she will come home from the casino with a fistful of cash or another grand or two in the hole. We're tired of creating solutions to get through the debt. We give up. We bury our heads in the sand like an ostrich. If we pull our heads up, we're afraid we'll have a nervous breakdown.
The ostrich stage is a normal human reaction to overwhelming circumstances. We can only take so much. But in the ostrich stage, we make ourselves especially vulnerable. We may return responsibility for paying bills to our gambling spouse. We may agree to sign credit card applications in our name. We accumulate hundreds of dollars worth of overdraft fees.
If we've reached the ostrich stage, we seek outside support from someone we can trust to handle our finances – to shed light on what we cannot seem to see.
Today instead of staying in the ostrich stage, I will seek help.
Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.
--Soren Kierkegaard
Maybe our debt is spiraling so out of control we can't face it. We can't tolerate sitting at the table one more time trying to manipulate figures to meet the month's expenses. If we're responsible for creating the debt, we may be in denial or have a lot of shame. If our spouse is responsible, we may be so confused we give up, not knowing whether he or she will come home from the casino with a fistful of cash or another grand or two in the hole. We're tired of creating solutions to get through the debt. We give up. We bury our heads in the sand like an ostrich. If we pull our heads up, we're afraid we'll have a nervous breakdown.
The ostrich stage is a normal human reaction to overwhelming circumstances. We can only take so much. But in the ostrich stage, we make ourselves especially vulnerable. We may return responsibility for paying bills to our gambling spouse. We may agree to sign credit card applications in our name. We accumulate hundreds of dollars worth of overdraft fees.
If we've reached the ostrich stage, we seek outside support from someone we can trust to handle our finances – to shed light on what we cannot seem to see.
Today instead of staying in the ostrich stage, I will seek help.
You are reading from the book:
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