Recovery Meditations: June 14th

PERFECTIONISM

"Shooting stars come out of the darkness."
Unknown Author

Today I am wading through guilt and shame as I try to step into the Light. My ankles are mired in unfulfilled visions and lost dreams. Childhood voices scream at me of my Potential. What are you doing? You're smart, talented, and beautiful. What are you doing with your life? You have the capacity for a great job, why do you loll in mediocrity? You're close to thinness, why can't you eat less? You could be beautiful, why don't you take more time with your hair, makeup, have manicures or plastic surgery? Why do you hover around "good enough"?

I remember when I had all these things, I wanted different things. The voices remind me I am not perfect, only a perfectionist. My goals remind me of what I lack. My tears remind me I am not what I preach. My Higher Power reminds me I am still on the easel, and grateful for my journey. My darkness reminds me I live in the Light.

One day at a time...
I seek the light of recovery that is seeking me.

~ Dodee

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"I remember when I had all these things, I wanted different things." How true is THAT statement? When we live in the past, the present moment is lost on us. We give up the pleasure and joy of TODAY while we bask in the memories of yesterday, or the hope for tomorrow.

Compulsive overeaters are never satisfied. It could have been more; it could have been better; I should be thinner, I used to be prettier. I remember when................

If I refuse to stay in the present moment, I do not allow myself to be happy with who I am right now.  I insist on living in illusion instead, and therefore, I will NEVER be happy! Living in fantasy isn't real...........I'm waiting for a knight in shining armor to whisk me away, so how can I appreciate what I have today?

Life wasn't perfect at 225 lbs and life isn't perfect at 125 lbs.  At 140  lbs, life SEEMED perfect at 125 lbs, so I strive to get back there, dwelling on how it felt.  What I'm doing is living in the past, refusing to experience joy today because I am not at the 'proper' weight.  I am sending myself the old message of "You are not good enough."  But was I 'good enough' at 125 lbs?

When I learn to love myself no matter WHAT the scale says, then I agree to being 'good enough' ALL the time, no matter what.

For today, the voices in my head are liars. I am good enough. For today, I choose to live in the Light of the present moment, and keep my eyes open to all the beauty of life that surrounds me.