IDENTITY
“Resolve to be thyself:
And know that he who finds himself loses his misery.”
Matthew Arnold
Life before recovery was a theatrical production in which I played all parts to all audiences. I gave a performance which aimed to satisfy everyone's requirements but my own. I proffered whatever I felt others wanted, giving no thought to my own needs. Some may say that's a worthy attitude, but it was influenced by a desire to be accepted -- not for who I am -- but for whom I thought everyone wanted me to be. I used my performance to control situations and to avoid any nasty surprises. I furnished more than I could afford, often lavishing what wasn't mine to give. Frequently I didn't feel that I had gained the acceptance I so fervently sought, and this yielded feelings of incompetence.
To be everything to all people took time and sapped considerable quantities of energy physically, spiritually and emotionally. Often I found I couldn't keep up with this self-inflicted regimen of people-pleasing. I began to resent the performance and gained no satisfaction from the results.
Through my recovery I realized that I had never been happy with the results of my role-playing. It had been a compulsion to seek the approval from others because I couldn't grant myself the authorization to be me. The only person I can be is me. The only person I have a right to be is me.
One day at a time ...
I give myself permission to be who I truly am: ME!
~ Sue G.
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Living as a performer in a show is not really living authentically. Attempting to please others, often at my own expense, gets me feeling resentful and sorry for myself. Not everyone is going to like me, and that's ok. I have to learn to like myself, that's the most important thing.
If I stay buried in the fog of excess food & drink, how do I know who I truly am? I bury my self by practicing addictive behavior, preventing my spirit from coming into the light. I busy myself with doing, and forget how to just be.
Today, I am free to be myself. I can speak my mind without worrying about who isn't going to like what I have to say. When I treat myself with respect, allowing my authenticity to shine through, I am at peace. I don't have to put on a show to gain an audience and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am as God intended me to be and for today, that's exactly where I need to be.
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