The Language of Letting Go: October 18th

Throwing Out the Rule Book

Many of us feel like we need a rulebook, a microscope, and a warranty to get through life. We feel uncertain, frightened. We want the security of knowing what's going to happen, and how we shall act.

We don't trust life or ourselves.

We don't trust the Plan.

We want to be in control.

"I've made terrible mistakes about my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me. Life has really shocked me. How can I trust myself? How can I trust life, and my instincts, after where I've been?" asked one woman.

It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency. We don't have to be fearful. We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.

Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again. We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year. We've learned, grown, changed. We did what we needed to do then. If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.

We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences - even our mistakes - to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?

We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not have to punish ourselves with our past. We don't need a rulebook, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you. No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."

Today, I will stop clinging to the painful lessons of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is. 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation

********************************************************

As compulsive overeaters, we relied on food to pick us up, calm us down, console us, excite us, help us, and sustain us. Since food was inadequate to do all of these things, we had to eat more and more until we became physically and emotionally addicted.

Recovery from our disease requires that dependency on food be replaced by dependency on a Higher Power. Only God, as each of us understands Him, is capable of supporting us at all times and in all situations. Food simply will not work. If we are not controlled by our Higher Power, we will be controlled by our addiction to compulsive overeating.

At first, we find it difficult to rely on a Power we cannot see. Our materialistic orientation makes us distrustful of the things that are of the spirit. Gradually, we come to believe as we witness the work of God through OA. We see evidence of His activity in our own lives, and we sense the peace and security that He gives. Reliance on God is our strength.

As a compulsive overeater I was always looking outside of myself for love, yet I was terrified of letting it in. “What if it hurts me once I let it in?” I was just as afraid of giving out love. “What if I lost myself or was taken advantage of?” My life was ruled by fear, and at a very young age I discovered the false security of food. I used food as a source of companionship and as a way to numb out my pain. It became a substitute for love.

As the disease gained control, the more I ate and the more shut down I became. I built huge walls around myself. As the weight came on, I was convinced that this was the reason people didn’t love me the way that I wanted to be loved. I believed that “if only I was thin enough” I would get what I wanted. It never occurred to me that I was already so full of the food that there was no room inside to receive anything else.

When I came into program and began to put down the food, I slowly discovered that this love that I was searching for was within me all along. My Higher Power is love and dwells within and all around me. In recovery I am graced with the freedom to act out of love and therefore be with my Higher Power.

For today, I will not micro-manage my life nor will I examine my 'mistakes' under a microscope. All the events of my past unfolded exactly as they have so I could arrive where I am today: in Recovery and glad to be alive.