Recovery Meditations: May 30th

Home
“A person can run for years but sooner or later
he has to take a stand in the place which, for better or worse,
he calls home, do what he can to change things there.”
Paule Marshall

I’ve been running for most of my life. I was in a hurry to grow up. As a kid, all I wanted was to grow up and move out. I was so sick of everything and everyone in my life. I didn't want to be told what to do. I wanted to be able to call the shots. Then, when I grew up, I wanted to be a kid again. I wanted people to tell me what to do and to take care of me. When I was calling the shots, I found myself in bars and eating out all the time because I didn’t want to go to the grocery store or cook. The only foods I kept in my studio apartment were binge foods. I lived in a very urban area and could very easily walk to fast food or to convenience stores. I didn't know what home meant. When I’m running, I get out of breath, my body hurts, my soul hurts, and I have no space for my Higher Power to guide me. I run laps in the same place, expecting to feel better, but never feeling better.

As a relative newcomer to program, I have made a conscious choice to stop. I turned it over to my Higher Power and asked for guidance in finding home and staying there. Now, as I am standing in place, I find that my home is my Higher Power. Standing in place, I've found that the world isn't as adverse as I'd perceived it to be. I can actually see the beauty in the world around me and feel nurtured by the feeling of home.

One day at a time...
Today I can stand in place and look around. I can be aware of the ever-loving presence of my Higher Power and the comfort of the home that have both been with me all along.

~ AJ

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Refusal to grow up is what compulsive overeating is all about. I want what I want and I want it NOW. Shall I stamp my feet and hold my breath until I turn blue because I want an ice cream cone? A big part of recovery is realizing our immaturity and addressing it, finally, in an attempt to stop the insanity of addiction.

What am I running from? Why am I willing to feel the pain and misery of overeating? My body hurts, my soul hurts, and I never feel better.  This is addiction at its worst.

For today, my Food Plan prevails. For today, I have God in my back pocket, helping me to remain an adult and to stay the course with my recovery.  For today, I can take comfort in my program and in God.