Recovery Meditations: May 14th

PERFECTIONISM

"Shooting stars come out of the darkness."
Unknown Author

Today I am wading through guilt and shame as I try to step into the Light. My ankles are mired in unfulfilled visions and lost dreams. Childhood voices scream at me of my Potential. What are you doing? You're smart, talented, and beautiful. What are you doing with your life? You have the capacity for a great job, why do you loll in mediocrity? You're close to thinness, why can't you eat less? You could be beautiful, why don't you take more time with your hair, makeup, have manicures or plastic surgery? Why do you hover around "good enough"?

I remember when I had all these things, I wanted different things. The voices remind me I am not perfect, only a perfectionist. My goals remind me of what I lack. My tears remind me I am not what I preach. My Higher Power reminds me I am still on the easel, and grateful for my journey. My darkness reminds me I live in the Light.

One day at a time...
I seek the light of recovery that is seeking me.

~ Dodee

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 What strikes me most about this reading is the phrase, "I remember when I had all these things, I wanted different things."  When I seek perfection, I am NEVER satisfied, period. I hear women utter this statement ALL the time. "When I was thin and beautiful, I thought I was fat & ugly."

WHEN are we going to love ourselves, AS IS, without stipulations about weight or beauty? We are not our bodies; we are our spirits..........our personalities and our capacity for love..............we are so much MORE than our outward appearance, yet we strive to make IT perfect.  We SHOULD BE focusing on our insides..........on our spiritual condition versus the size or shape of our bodies. Yet we devote our entire lives to our bodies.

When I was 12 I weighed 150 lbs and Mom started me in Weight Watchers. 

When I was 18 and graduated High School, I weighed 140 and wore a size12

When I got married the first time, I weighed 190 lbs and wore a size 20

When I gave birth to my first child, I weighed 223 lbs and wore a size WHATEVER.

Do you see the twisted thinking here? On the most important occasions of my life, what I remember is how much I WEIGHED and what SIZE I wore!

What a waste.

I have wasted SO MUCH TIME obsessing over my weight, and judging mySELF based on a number instead of on an internal, inherent goodness!

I will not waste ONE MORE MINUTE of my precious life dwelling on something SO superficial. 

For today, I will focus on who I am on the INSIDE and work on developing my SPIRIT instead of the temporary vessel that houses it!