The Language of Letting Go: March 10th

Living with Families

I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandfather always managed to make me feel guilty, angry, and controlled.
—Anonymous

We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.

It can be difficult to achieve detachment, or an emotional level, with certain family members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.

Difficult, but not impossible.

The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgment, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We can become free of the patterns of the past. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.

Today, Higher Power, help me be patient with myself as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance. 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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I am fifty-five years old and just now admitting that my mother always manages to make me feel guilty, angry, resentful, negative, and manipulated.  Actually, I've known it for the past fifty-five years, I'm just now accepting the fact that it's HER issue and not mine to bear.  I don't have to 'blame' her or myself............I do not have to shame her or myself.............all I have to do is ACCEPT my mother for who she is, and DETACH from all of the nonsense, with love.

My mother has no thoughts of her own.........no original ideas to share........she has no identity..........not a clue as to who she IS or what she stands for in life. My mother goes around REACTING to other people. So her conversations are judgments of others........entirely & completely.  Just a constant litany of who's not good enough, who's making mistakes, who's out to 'get' whom..............all negativity all the time.  I feel like I'm holding up shields when I speak to her, warding off all of the barbs and arrows that come through the phone like poison. 

I'm learning to use a phrase with her these days: That's Unfortunate.  When she is complaining miserably about one of a hundred different things, I can use that phrase and shut the dialogue DOWN, at least on MY end.  Gee Mom, That's Unfortunate.  She has little response to that statement.........because I am not INVITING a response! I am not arguing with her that so-and-so is not really a horrible person..........or that the cooks in her building are doing the best they can to make tasty meals, in spite of the fact that SHE hates them.  When I argue with her, I lose. She still maintains the exact same toxic attitude, and it is ME who's left feeling drained and upset.

What for? The mistake is to engage toxic people in the first place.  Lots of head nodding, tsk-tsk'ing, and statements like "That's Unfortunate" seem to work well for those of US having to deal with the nonsense!

I will never be 'good enough' in my mother's eyes. I will never do enough, achieve enough, have enough, behave properly, say the right thing, give her all SHE is looking for, etc. etc.  And that's ok.............I do not have to internalize HER opinion of me!

In God's eyes, I am perfect.  I know that my mother was put into my life to teach me...........to help me learn compassion, empathy, patience.........and coping techniques to use that will prevent her from ruining the quality of MY life. 

Today I have a terrible 'sore throat' and am unable to make the usual Sunday visit.  For today, I am taking care of ME, without guilt, without shame, without anger, and without regret.