For Today: May 25th

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,

Every cubic inch of space is a miracle.

Walt Whitman

There are many miracles in Overeaters Anonymous. It is a miracle that I am abstinent today, that I have the courage and faith to turn over the running of my life to God. It is a miracle that others who suffer from my illness have provided a place for me to go where I am accepted just as I am. And it is a miracle to have a path to follow that restores me to sanity.

Perhaps now is the time to express my gratitude by offering what talents I have in service to OA. Organizational skills are needed at all service levels. A gift for speaking can attract many who still suffer to the program. Gentleness and understanding are qualities everyone wants in a fellow member.

For Today: The central miracle of my life is that I have been restored to sanity and usefulness. I may not have been asked, but if I look, I can find some service for which I can volunteer.

Sanity & balance were not words in my vocabulary before I became abstinent. My life & head were filled with chaos for so long, I never thought it would be possible to be restored to sanity! But I have been, by the grace of God.

While I’m not perfect with my Food Plan all the time, I’m pretty darn strict with it.  When I am abstinent, I am feeling useful and focused.  I led the meeting tonight at OA & that gave me a sense of accomplishment as well. Although I feel there are too many ‘rules’ to follow in the formal meetings, I can usually take something of value out of each & every one.

Tonight I mentioned how simplicity is the key to abstinence for me; if the food tastes too good, it drives me to want more more more. If I stick to things like canned tuna, I’m good to go…..because let’s face it, there is only SO much canned tuna I’m gonna-wanna-eat! I was told to never ever mention specific foods in an OA meeting. Considering there were THREE of us present, it didn’t seem like a big deal to me. But then again, what do I know? :)

In OA meetings, it’s important to take what I like & leave the rest. 

The true miracle of OA is in the spirituality development…….I went from being spiritually impoverished to feeling spiritually fulfilled & wanting to get deeper into the whole subject. For that I am extremely grateful. I’m only sorry it’s taken me nearly 54 years to tune into my Higher Power & all He has to offer me.

For today, I am committing myself to learning Meditation so I can gain even more insight & understanding about my God & my own spirituality.  I am realizing a lot of things, but one of the most profound ideas is this:
We aren’t human beings living a spiritual experience;

We are spiritual beings living a human experience.

For today, I am eager to explore these ideas in greater depth.

For Today: May 24th

Angry men are blind and foolish, for reason at such a time takes flight and, in her absence, wrath plunders all the riches of the intellect while the judgment remains the prisoner of its own pride.

Pietro Aretino

God gave me a mind and a spirit, a capacity for love and compassion. Anger destroys those gifts as surely as compulsive overeating destroyed them. Acknowledging my anger is a positive step, but do I see its source as a defect within me? Or do I blame it on something outside myself: what someone said or did, a job, a situation, the weather, anything.  When I am angry I am no good to anyone, least of all myself.

Today I have a way to deal constructively with my anger; I have steps that lead me to freedom and a Higher Power to restore me to sanity. Am I entirely ready to have God remove my anger?

For Today: Taking responsibility for my anger by admitting it is the first step toward a return to sanity and balance.

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Step 6, Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, on the surface, seems like a super-simple step.

 Of course I am ready to have God remove my character defects!!!! 

Well, I am not always  ‘entirely ready’ to have my character defects removed. Take gossip for instance.  For a long time I thought of gossip at the office as an interesting thing. Sure I love to hear some juicy tidbits about another co-worker…because maybe then I can feel superior. Or, maybe I can select who I will repeat that bit of gossip to, and wind up ‘being in the know’ and feeling a thrill because of it….?  If I want to be rid of the character defect of being a gossip, I have to be willing to stop the behavior! It’s not enough to say I’d like God to do something that I myself am unwilling to do!

Anger is another good example. If I want to be entirely rid of my anger, I can’t also wish to hold onto it. Sometimes, it feels good to hold onto anger so I can allow myself the luxury of feeling stepped on or put down; a bunch of negative feelings entitle me to anger, and thus, allows me to practice my compulsive behaviors. If I’m justifiably angry, that permits me to feel self-righteous indignation. Hmmmpffff…..so-and-so insulted me & boy am I mad. He had no right to say what he said & now it’s ok to feel angry.

What do I get out of holding onto anger & pride?  Anger festers inside of me like an infected sore; it can build and grow out of control, and cause me harm! 

“Resentment is like drinking poison yourself & then thinking it will kill your enemies.” Nelson Mandela

When I point my finger away from myself and at someone or something else, I am refusing to look within to find the character defect that leads me to the negative emotion.

Nope, step 6 is one of the most difficult steps of all!

I want to be a better person; more compassionate, more understanding, more forgiving & more empathetic.  I would like God to help me see someone’s innocence rather than to focus on his guilt.

In order to become that sort of person, I have to be willing to give up my character defects via Steps 4, 5 & 6.

For today, I pray for the continued willingness to give up bad habits that have served me in the past. I pray for the willingness to stop gossiping, to give up my anger, to stop placing blame, and to stop complaining in general.  

For today, I pray for the willingness to see my glass as being half-full instead of half-empty.

For Today: May 23rd

Speech is a mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so is he.

Publilius Syrus

Does what I say spring from abstinence and sober thinking or does it come out of the self-pity and fault-finding that characterize my illness?  People who are living in the recovery talk program. Though they freely share their misadventures & errors in judgment, they are quick to take responsibility for their actions.

In private conversations, as in group sharing, it is my speech that identifies me either as an OA who is actively working the program and learning to accept the truth, or as a member who is still suffering from compulsive overeater thinking.

For Today: My talk reflects my progress in the program. Listening closely to what I say will show me what I need to do.

Compulsive overeating is a disease of behavior more so than a matter of simply eating too much, which is 

 why a diet isn’t going to be a remedy. Self-pity, fault-finding, finger-pointing, negativity, blaming, judging….these are all symptoms of a disease which cannot be cured by following Nutri-System or Weight Watchers.

Compulsive overeaters may lose weight, but they find it nearly impossible to maintain the loss because they haven’t changed the behaviors that led to the overeating.  Until we deal with ourselves truthfully & honestly, we look for diets to fix a problem that is rooted in the soul rather than the body.

The 12 Steps are a blueprint to a new & honest lifestyle…..a way out of the convoluted thinking patterns that brought us to our knees, over and over again.

In my OA weekly meetings, a newcomer stands out as being a newcomer precisely because he doesn’t talk Program talk.  He is still mired down by his skewed thinking & has yet to learn what OA is all about.
The oldtimers do talk the talk, and we are there to guide the newcomer into the program & to finding the literature, etc.

If I am a true OAer, I will talk the talk as I walk the walk. If I make a mistake, I am going to admit it & own it, not make excuses or come up with reasons why I ‘had to’ eat birthday cake or whatever.  From my actions, the newcomer learns the difference between truth & fiction where food is concerned. He is able to eventually ditch his denial as he witnesses the oldtimers speaking the truth. It’s definitely a process….and the newcomer has to be willing to change, to give up the comfort of his old ways for the promises of a new life without the burden of compulsive overeating weighing him down.

For today, I pray to continue speaking the truth & touting the OA way.

For Today: May 22nd

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.

Leonardo da Vinci

That old cliché, “Everyone has a right to his opinion,” is true enough. However, that does not make everyone’s opinion of equal value. On the subject of abstinence, for instance: how do I see it? OA is based on the same principles as AA. Is braking my abstinence the same for me as taking a drink is for the alcoholic? Yes. Yet, a compulsive overeater does not have the same immediate consequences: it does not alter my mind in the same way alcohol does and with the same rapidity. You can’t smell it on my breath. So, I may think I can get away with it. But compulsive overeating shows in my thinking. I am less aware, more ready to deceive myself.

For Today: I accept myself as I am, but I will not spare myself the hard questions: Do I have a desire to stop eating compulsively? Have I stopped?

Until I accepted Abstinence as a necessity in my life, I was doomed to fiddle around eating off plan.  When I think I can ‘get away’ with indiscretions is when I again delude myself that this disease isn’t all that serious.  If I break Abstinence, my thinking gets skewed & I fall back into the trap of thinking it’s no ‘big deal’ to have occasional indulgences.

The big deal is very big indeed.

While the scent of chocolate may not be detected on my breath, the effects of sugar are detected in my mind & my body.

One bite is too many & a million aren’t enough.

Such is the nature of compulsive overeating.

Until I absorbed that mentality, I stayed tied to my disease which prevented me from living a happy, joyous & free lifestyle.

Until I gave my addiction over to my Higher Power, I was a slave to food & thought I needed to overeat to survive.

What I really need to survive is humility, spirituality & acceptance. Anything less is a half-measure, and in OA circles, we know that half-measures avail us nothing.

Abstinence cannot be bargained. Abstinence means I put the Food Plan in charge & stick to it like glue. Otherwise, history repeats itself & I go back to my compulsive overeating ways where the disease is in charge, not my Higher Power.

For today, I pray to remember that Abstinence is the most important thing in my life.

For Today: May 21st

Defeat is a school in which truth always grows strong.

Henry Ward Beecher

Never in all the years of fighting it did I think I would admit to being defeated by food. When the illusion that I could eat like other people was finally routed, many other truths began to emerge. That was the beginning of recovery. Each day I practice the program of recovery, more truth about myself is revealed to me. I welcome all of it, the worst as well as the best. Only when I know who I am can I make use of the directions that tell me how I can change.

For Today: Any person or incident that shows me a truth about myself is of benefit to me.

What a profound reading!

I wound up spending 40 years fighting my disease instead of recognizing & accepting it.  Fighting it kept it alive.  Accepting the disease for what it is freed me to deal with it truthfully & to kick the notions of ‘normalcy’ to the curb.

I am not a normal eater. I will never be a normal eater. What freedom there is in uttering those words!

When I fight & insist I can handle trigger food in moderation is when I keep the Denial alive. When I look at thin women eating & think that I too can eat like they do is when I struggle.  There is no cake on earth that I can eat a few bites of & push away because I’m ‘stuffed’. I can observe the behaviors of thin women & normal eaters for the rest of my life & still not be one!

"A cucumber can choose to become a pickle, but once he becomes a pickle, he can never go back to being a cucumber."

Somewhere along the line, I became a pickle. At some point in my career of   developing compulsive overeating habits, I crossed a line. Maybe it was one night while I was devouring the leftovers in the refrigerator even though I wasn’t hungry. Or perhaps it was after a trip to the grocery store for a stash of candy & cookies. Who knows when the transformation took place…I can’t pinpoint the exact moment or event that led me to pickle-hood. Compulsive overeating is a disease of progression. It doesn’t happen overnight…it develops over time. It may start out with a snack after school which then becomes a snack after dinner which progresses to a slice of cake for desert which turns into a whole cake. With a liter of Coke to wash it all down. Can’t have a dry throat after all…or maybe a Diet Coke….I can pretend I’m ‘watching my weight’ by making that Coke a diet…As one compulsive overeater described it, ‘First there was the Friday night eating-all-you-want plan, which quickly became the weekend plan, which quickly slopped over into Monday & Tuesday, which then swallowed up the entire week.’

For today, I am grateful to admit being defeated by food! Had I not made that admission, I’d still be fighting a deadly war with no ammunition.

For Today: May 20th

The profoundest affinities are those most readily felt.

George Santayana

How well I know that feeling of being “at home” in an OA meeting!  No matter how far I may be from my own home group, the warm welcome, the nods of understanding tell me I am in the company of people with whom I have more in common than many friends and associates.

Being a compulsive overeater who is recovering in OA means that I never need to feel alone with my disease. I have only to pick up a telephone, go to a meeting and reach out to someone who shares the same illness, the same physical, emotional and spiritual symptoms. Only another OA member knows what it took to get us here.

For Today: My joy in recovery is multiplied in direct proportion to the extent to which I share it with other compulsive overeaters.

In OA, it is not our strength  that binds us together, it is our weakness. Through that weakness comes strength! By sharing our experiences, we realize we are not alone, nor do we have to travel this road in isolation & despair. 

Compulsive overeating is, in part, a disease of isolation…..of feeling like I don’t belong or fit in anywhere. I fit in beautifully in an OA meeting because I can relate to everything the members are saying. The nods of understanding are wonderful…..they enable me to know that I am not alone with my struggles and that someone intimately understands me. 

2+2=6  There is amazing strength in OA numbers! While I once felt small & isolated from the world, I now feel empowered to be part of a group of like-minded individuals. Together with our Higher Powers, we can do anything, one day at a time.

For Today: May 19th

How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.

Publilius Syrus

Why didn’t I?......How could I?.....What is it with me?...............

The tendency to hang onto self-condemnation persists with a will of its own. It goes beyond healthy self-criticism, branding judgments deep into the core of my being. Where did I get the notion that I am to be without flaws, make no mistakes? The program tells me that wrongdoings of the past, both real and imagined, need to be recalled, looked at and disposed of through the directions given in steps four through nine. Is it these all-but-forgotten thoughts and actions that keep me wallowing in guilt, which in turn keeps me from facing and resolving my real problems of today?

For Today: Forgiveness of myself is one of the first rewards of working the twelve-step program.

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The quest for perfection leads me to believe I am to be without flaws & to make no mistakes. Working the steps helps me to identify my real flaws & to make amends to those I have hurt in the past. Once I am purged of those mistakes, I am free to live a new, honest lifestyle.

I am not an accumulation of my mistakes; I am not perfect; I am not without character flaws even after working the steps on an ongoing basis. But I am good enough!

If I constantly criticize myself, I cannot grow, spiritually or emotionally. My behavior is directly tied into my feelings of self-esteem. When I work my OA program to the best of my ability, I do not feel the need for self-condemnation.

That, in and of itself, is one of the big miracles of OA: Freedom from self-judgment.

For today, I pray to keep working my program to the best of my ability so I can live in truth & freedom from obsession.