The Language of Letting Go: July 15th

 I was thirty five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation.

I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to.
  —Anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?

No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.

One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.

Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.

We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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As a compulsive overeater, I am a ball of REACTION. I get caught up in my mother's games, nerve myself up beyond belief, and then seek comfort in food. It's a vicious cycle.  Only when I found the OA program was I able to see things for what they are, and make changes accordingly.

I will never be able to 'change' my mother, or get her to act appropriately...........she is who she is and that's ok. What I CAN do, however, is change MY expectations and stop trying to 'fix' her or get her to understand ME. Not. Gonna. Happen.  So, instead of spinning my wheels uselessly every day, I set down some boundaries which I stick to like GLUE. Toxic people suck the life out of us and lead us down the road to addiction if we don't set boundaries.  I do not 'have to' accept manipulation or control, nor do I have to play the guilt game and accept it. 

I am who I am, as well. I love my family, but I do not have to buy into their issues.  It is my job to take care of ME, and to allow my folks to take care of themselves.  I am always available to help out, especially in an emergency, but my life is NOT devoted to making THEM happy.

Period.

For today, I can take care of myself without feeling guilty or forfeiting self-respect.  For today, I do not 'have to' buy into the manipulative games or believe the messages that I am not good enough.  That message is a lie and I am allowed to love myself.  I am a child of God and perfect exactly AS IS!