Recovery Meditations: October 2nd

COMPULSIONS

“All human actions have one or more of these seven causes:
chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, desire.”
Aristotle

When I was eating compulsively, it was similar to taking nitrous oxide at my dentist. Like a heavy anesthesia, the food comforted me and gave me an extraordinary sense of well-being. Like many short-term cures for what is bothering us, it took its toll. Any resemblance to reality while in the fog of compulsive eating is purely coincidental. While there may be times in my life I needed anesthesia, to use it day in and day out to block emotional pain is a burden only compulsive eaters know about.

Compulsion is self-will gone berserk. I try to think of it as the opposite of effortless abstinence. Between the two are miles and miles of varying experiences. For me there was never moderation ... only the two extremes. It took several years of squeaky clean abstinence to trust myself and begin to try moderation in eating. At that point I had learned to recognize and be aware of the dangers of that first compulsive bite. There have been times when this cunning disease always waiting to pounce has sent me straight back to hell as a result of that one single compulsive bite.

One day at a time...
I will pray that my actions are caused by anything except compulsions.

~ Mari

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So I lived my life under anesthesia, then wondered why, after getting abstinent,  I was unable to identify and process my emotions as they came up??  I was used to instant gratification; instant numbing.  Something hurts? Take a drink & eat a bowl of pasta..........make the pain go away.  Ahhhh.

 

The problem with blocking out pain is that the anesthesia also blocks out joy.  The problem with drinking & overeating to cope with life is that doing so makes me drunk & fat.  So the results of all that 'coping' are worse than the original pain I am trying to avoid.

 

Using painful techniques to block out pain causes MORE pain. And so, the vicious cycle of yo yo dieting begins.  It only ends with abstinence, and making a commitment to a food plan.  Abstinence from drinking is 100%...........simple (not easy); just don't pick up a drink; it is not necessary for survival.  Food, on the other hand, IS necessary for survival.  Junk food isn't, however.  Commitment to a food plan means commitment to healthy, nourishing eating & avoidance of trigger foods that set me on a downward spiral.

When I was in charge of running the world & playing God, I was eating & drinking compulsively; my self-will had gone berserk.  I functioned in the 'all-or-nothing' mentality where I was either starving myself or eating everything that wasn't nailed down.  Sitting on the couch like a slug or exercising like a maniac.  Moderation? What on earth is THAT? 

For today, I choose to live with the reality of my disease.  To keep it in recovery status rather than having IT run MY life. 

For today, I will not take that first compulsive bite, the same way I wouldn't take that first sip of a cocktail, because my Recovery is way more important than the temporary, numbing pleasure that food & drink promise to give me.

For today, I will let go & let God take over.  He knows what's best for me, even when I insist otherwise.